Dear God,
I never imagined emailing you. I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused in my life. I was raised to be a nurturer. I was taught to take care of others before taking care of myself. I took care of my mom with that wretched brain tumor when I was 21 years old until she finally died. That, God, was the worst thing in my life. I was so young, and I had to fill the void in my mom’s life during her personal agony. I gave up the chance at a magnificent career to follow my husband and raise three beautiful daughters. I stayed at home believing in love, believing in commitment. And we did take care of everyone…his abandoned father, my grandmother, and my father. My husband fell in love with a much younger woman, but, you already know that. And, as you remember he left us nine years ago. Since then so much has happened, and I’ve lost sight of my faith in you. The girls and I had to face my father’s long and horrific battle with Alzheimer’s disease until he died, too. My ex husband has very little to do with our older children now, and when he does it seems so phony and strained to them, and quite honestly I have nothing to say to them about him. When he left us, he abandoned You, too. Remember? And now, God, he does “God talk” according to the girls, and it makes them sick because he will not hear their anger and pain from the past, or much less deal with it so there can be healing. I love my children and have made the best of trying to help them in this life as they face adulthood. I am cynical, however, about love. My oldest child has rejected men all together and believes she is a lesbian. That’s ok, too, but, I would rather believe it’s from her true identity instead of a hatred of men brought on by the pain of the past. The other two are wounded, but, seem to have a clearer purpose in their lives.
I’ve had 3 men try to love me over the last 8 years. Each one has had amazing qualities that I respect, but, I continue to push them all away because of the walls I’ve built around my heart. Some days I believe I will never be in another relationship again. Can, indeed, a person be just too wounded, damaged, to try human love again. I know your love is perfect. And maybe that is all I need.
My fundamental Christian friends fail to understand the life of a single mom. They don’t know how to wrap their minds around failed relationships. I’m no wonderful Christian these days either, God. And I think about the future for my girls and their relationships with men, husbands and I wonder what damage their dad and I have given them.
I know you’re busy trying to cope with bigger crises in the world, and there are people everywhere outside this country who are living in constant poverty and hopelessness… But, could you please send help…for me, for my girls, even for my ex-husband.
Your confused believer….
Confused Mom, USA
