Dear God,
Something isn’t right. I always feel so close to just passing out or just lashing out at people around me. I’m exhausted. This is too much for me. It’s a very unstable balance. My life is held together by tiny threads. Every day is the same. I get up at 5:30am. I drink a diet coke and go to school. I go to class and try to stay awake until 12:30. Then I eat a piece of string cheese, 3 crackers, and another diet coke. I leave school and go to rehearsal for 3 hours. I come home and run a mile or two on my treadmill. Then I do homework as late as it takes. Usually I’m in bed around 1am. If anything is thrown off— if I get 3 hours of sleep instead of 4— if I forget my diet coke, I fall apart. I passed out at school once because I didn’t have enough sleep/caffeine. The weight isn’t entirely gone. I’m 40 pounds thinner than I was, but I’m still not skin and bones. And there is no one that will realize I’m not healthy. The physical stuff isn’t nearly as bad as what’s going on with me emotionally. I will always resent my parents for not noticing how unhealthy I am. They ask me what’s wrong or why I look so anxious. They forget that I’ve struggled with an anxiety disorder my entire life. They forget that I’m obsessive compulsive. There is nothing worse than having those closest to you forget or ignore something like that. They ask me, why do you have to do that in sets of 7? Because I’m fucking obsessive compulsive. I have been my whole life. You took me to the doctor when I was four because I wouldn’t leave the grocery store until I had walked down each isle 7 times. You still ask why I do things 7 times. Are you my mother or a fucking stranger? Jesus fucking christ. I can’t take this much longer. I’m so sick of no one noticing that I don’t eat or that I am having a nervous collapse. They think I’m fine because I’m always with friends and because I’m thin and they think that means everything is not good. I am falling apart. I am begging my mother to notice. She never will. Even if I tell her, I’m not OK, I need help, she says, “i don’t know what to do,” I love her, but I will always resent her for letting me live with these issues and not doing shit to help me. Teressa, Los Angeles/USAShare:
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:18 pm
I don’t think your mother is necessarily ignoring you… maybe she’s just as afraid to reach out to you as you are afraid to ask her for help. It is clear that you recognize the fact that you do need help, and instead of waiting for others to notice you need help, why don’t you be proactive in creating a change in your own life. And if you’re “always with friends” how would you expect your mother to recognize any turmoil in your life? I think if you want a closer relationship with your mother… you should begin by talking face to face about the issues you are currently dealing with. Goodluck, and just know that you aren’t alone.
-M
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:40 pm
stop blaming other people.. your life.. get over yourself…. 7 times
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
Teressa– I feel you. please take care of yourself; lame thing to say, I know, but everything is in your hands. your parents may know exactly why you’re doing things in sets of 7, but they don’t want to face up to it– it’s fear, you see, and sometimes we all indulge far too much in the fantasy that escapism makes it go away. it doesn’t. maybe they’re asking, as well, not why you’re doing it, but why you have to do it. and maybe the simple answer to that is “mom. I need help. Please?”
I cannot help you, but I want you to know that my thoughts are with you. Stay safe, love. be someone you can trust with your delicate soul.
April 23rd, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I’ve had obsessive compulsive disorder for as long as I can remember and I know how frustrating it is when the people close to you (e.g., mum) don’t get it. When I would have to check my closet like 10 times my mum and dad would always say “just stop doing it”. Yeah, like it’s as simple as that. The simple fact is people who don’t suffer from that disorder just don’t get it and really that’s understandable because they don’t suffer from it so why should they get it, the best thing that they can do is listen and I’ve found that is all you really need, no advice or “just stop it” but someone just to hear what your going through. I’ve stopped talking to my mum and dad about my OCD because they don’t get and I just don’t get anything good from telling them anything. Sometimes you just have to accept that they may never get it, all you can really do is ask them to listen and if they can’t do that find someone else who can.
April 23rd, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I’m very sorry for what you are going through. I have suffered from an anxiety disorder my entire life as well, and experienced similar feelings as you, especially with my mother. I was in school when I was experiencing the worst of it, and on the verge of dropping out, I confessed my problems to a teacher, who was kind of enough to listen and advised me to seek counseling. Over the course of two years, what helped the most was a combination of becoming more focused with my work, and also learning about my disorder and finding ways to manage it. I think that it is natural to feel the way you do..I think that our loved ones do not always reach out the way that we feel that they should because they may feel powerless to help, and it is frightening for them. I do think that you will feel better when you find ways to manage your symptoms-love yourself and treat yourself with the respect you deserve! And defintely seek counseling-if you are in school, you should be able to find a counselor to talk to, or to refer you to someone who can help…keep looking until you find what works for you…and don’t wait until you become too sick! I know its scary, but the best thing to do is to be proactive now, and take control of your situation-you can do it!
xxx,
lj.
April 23rd, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Stop drinking Diet Coke and all will be fine.
April 23rd, 2008 at 11:07 pm
I have OCD.
But i’m learning to deal / live with.
If not from your family, reach out for help from someone.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:45 am
Are you doing this just for the attention? If you want others to care about you, go care about yourself first. You’re the only who knows what is going on, help yourself. Well it’s not like you don’t know that you’re living an unhealthy life, is it? Get yourself together, you’ll be alright:)
xoxo
April 24th, 2008 at 12:48 am
Firstly you are not getting nearly enough sleep. You cannot function properly on the amount of sleep you are getting at the moment and it will affect everything else - your emotions, your ability to cope, irritability, school work - everything.
Aim to get AT LEAST 7.5 hours sleep.
Secondly, if you NEED to lose weight do it sensibly. Two pounds (not sure what that is in kilos) a week is sensible. If you want to drink diet coke make sure it is CAFFEINE FREE - caffeine WILL make your anxiety worse. DO NOT SKIP MEALS - it mucks up your metabolism and will make weight loss HARDER not easier. Do not be in a hurry to lose weight. The faster you lose it the easier you will put it back on.
Thirdly, and I do sympathize, your parents are not going to change. You need to find a support group instead of waiting for them to understand. Look on the net. People who are going through or have been through what you are suffering are the best source of support.
Best of luck. Treat yourself as kindly as you would a friend who is in your position ie look after yourself and treat yourself well.
Love B XXXXXX
April 24th, 2008 at 1:46 am
<3<3<3<3<3<3
(That’s Seven)
April 24th, 2008 at 2:21 am
So what if you need to fucking do things seven times! that’s great! you enjoy them more than the rest of us..
Don’t listen to anybody, don’t expect things from anyone, don’t wait for other people to help you, judge you or accept you.
Be yourself! be FREE.
It is just you and the universe. Enjoy it while it lasts… being miserable won’t change anything.
April 24th, 2008 at 2:54 am
Dear, I have only two things to tell you, hoping that they help you a bit.
First, our soul means much more than our body. I spend years of my life taking care of my body, thinking that was the most important thing in life, but now I realize it is not. Do take care of your body in order to be healthy, because this is the only thing that matters. You know what? I make more success now, that I am ok (not a model at all) than before, when I was skinny, sun-tanned and very blond.
Secondly, your parents do love you. Remember, one day you might be a mom too, and trust me, they are only grown children. Most of what the parents do are done for the first time. They might be afraid, trying to find out what they should do. Help them to help you. If they don’t understand, approach them and open your heart.
Take care.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:37 am
Clearly you are saying that you are starving yourself because you want someone to offer help. Your mother is not willing to be helpful. Instead of the massive efforts you put into starving yourself, put your efforts into getting help directly-not through or from someone noticing you. Find a therapist. No one will validate you. You must learn to do that yourself.
April 24th, 2008 at 5:10 am
the fact that you actually realize you’re not healthy is great. but this, you can not fix on your own. so if your mom doesn’t notice, tell her. i can understand that you might fear that she will not have the answers or be able to help you, but really, give her the chance help you get through this. she is only a human too, but you might feel a little less of burden if you just tell about your problems.
April 24th, 2008 at 8:42 am
you know…..i always thought growing up how my mother would never see the good things that i did, and only the bad. she wouldn’t say anything if i did something right or looked nice, but would always say something mean when i messed up, or was wearing something she didn’t like. it was tough to have an unaffectionate mother, but i came to realization that i was really a good person and that although i wished i had that mom that would always support me and cheer me on, it came down to me taking care of me. me rooting myself on. me doing things that made me happy. through life, you might rely on others to help you out, and put other people’s consideration before your own. But the bottom line is, you need to live your life for you and stop caring if others notice or not. Make yourself happy first. Take care of your problems. One thing I think you need to do is sit down with your mom and just tell her everything. It’s hard to do, but if you’re like me, you are holding everything, and trust me……that’s no good. One day, it will all come out, and it probably will come out all wrong because you will just be so angry. Don’t do that. If you aren’t good at communicating, write her a letter, or send her an email. That way, you can get everything off your chest with the other person straying your thoughts, manipulating your words, and interrupting you. You will feel so much better.
Take care of yourself.
April 24th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Dear Teressa,
No matter what you do to yourself, and no matter how poorly you abuse that beautiful, struggling, living, breathing body of yours, you won’t ever change one incontrovertible fact: you’re perfect, just as you are. Your heart, and your courage, and your spirit is so bright, and so brilliant, and you’re meant for so much more. What your mother thinks of you has nothing at all to do with your own inherent value. Nothing ANYONE thinks of you can affect that. You’re amazing and unique and have so much to give the world. It’s not your fault that you’re treading water in an unhealthy environment, but it’s also true that you won’t be in that environment forever. If you could see what I could–that the lessons you’re learning about the world, and about yourself, and about those around you are exactly the lessons you need to be able to make a tremendous difference in the lives of others, you’d understand.
Just trust, sweet Teressa, that this is all part of the plan. You’re a survivor. You’re going to change the world.
April 24th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Dear Teressa,
Just got done reading your little diatribe to God…dunno what to say. First of life sucks most the time…get used to it! Second of all it seems like a silly way to go about getting your moms attention and incredibly destructive. Why add to the negativity that seems to be the environment that your surrounded by? Just say hey mom…life’s fucked up and I need you to sit down and listen to what and who I’m about.
Seems to me that life is hard enough without having to add to the daily toils with chosen drama.
Time to toughen up Teressa, cus trust me, it’s not gonna get any easier. In fact I’ll bet you 1000 bucks that this path your CHOOSING to take is only gonna make life 10 times to the 7th power worse.
Your mom doesn’t seem to be psychic, and from what you wrote she doesn’t seem all that intuitive either…figuratively speaking it seems to me that your going have to smack her up along side the head to get her attention.
You don’t need me, the other people here who have replied here to your plea for help, or your mom to tell you that the choices you are taking are not healthy or productive. From what you wrote it is easy to deduce that you are well aware of it. Since this is the case maybe tomorrow you can wake up and suddenly discover that you have a freakin backbone.
April 24th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Hey there T,
I wish I could think of something to say that would change your view of things, that I could show you the way to make things right and that I could explain why you feel the way you do. I’m not great with words and I don’t know if you’ll find any help from this but you need to look after yourself better.
Why do you want to be skin and bones anyway? If anyone has told you that it will make you healthier or happier they are just straight up lying.
Sleep more. Your body can’t function this way and if you keep it up things could take a sudden and severe turn for the worse.
OCD is something that other people simply won’t understand because they don’t have. And you need to just talk to your mother. She may just be scared to talk to you because she doesn’t want to hear the truth and maybe she is lying to herself and making herself think that things are okay. Whatever the reason, a change HAS GOT TO START WITH YOU. You have to take that step beyond knowing something is wrong and start using the strength we all believe you possess to turn your life around and make it better.
Take care of yourself Teressa, I truly hope you come through this
April 24th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Please tell other people. Tell instructors at school. They will take action for you to get help, then your mother will see something is going on. Perhaps your mother is in denial about the issues.
April 26th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
It must be difficult, Teressa, to be screaming for help on the inside but not having your mother hear you. She has no good excuse, but sometimes those who love us don’t want to believe that there’s anything “wrong” with us, because that’s scary.
If she can’t hear your cries of pain, that is her fault. Get the help and attention you know you need from somewhere else — a school guidance office, a telephone helpline. There are people out there who genuinely want to help you get healthy. You can’t control how your mother reacts, but you can control how much assistance you get.
It sucks that sometimes our own loved ones can’t seem to help us, but such is life — people are imperfect. Do what you can to take care of yourself and your lovely body, and hopefully your mom will find the strength to accept and help you soon.
Best wishes.
April 27th, 2008 at 1:37 am
When I was a teenager I used to “test” my parents, my boyfriends and my friends; “If they loved me they would…”, the thing is they didn’t know the rules to this game and they always failed.
You are testing your parents… it doesn’t mean they don’t love you it means they don’t know the game, they can’t read your mind, and they are probably just as tired and close to breaking as you are. ASK FOR HELP!
She is asking you whats wrong– TELL HER! Tell her you have an eating disorder, tell her can’t stop the OCD behavior. ASK her to get you help. You say she doesn’t notice- but maybe you cover it too well.
You have to ask for what you need.
April 27th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I know what it’s like. I have an eating disorder too.
I urge you to get help. I’ve been seeing a therapist and it’s really helped me. I know what it feels like to not want to get better, but this life is worth living. You are in my prayers.
April 28th, 2008 at 7:42 am
I saw your post on grouphug.
Dang, what are the odds, no??
Anyway, good luck. I have self-mutilation problems, so I’m not issue-free; the only think I can suggest is to take responsibility for your life. Your mum doesn’t know what to do? Then it’s up to you to do the right thing for yourself. Stop expecting other people to solve your problems, because there’s not a person in existence who can do that.
It’s not anyone else’s job to take care of you. If something’s wrong with you, YOU solve it. YOU’VE noticed you have a issues, and if you don’t have the courage to work on them, how can you expect anyone else to approach you?
Do this, so that you can be happy. That’s the most important thing in life, and if you’re not happy, you’re wasting your time. I’m 16 and I can’t wait until I have to courage to stop wasting mine.
April 28th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Go seek out so real help instead of laying the responsibility on your parents or your friends. If you are any older, you’ll realize that you have to take responsibility for all your actions because no one can read your mind.
April 28th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I love you. I really do, and I am not the only one. All of the people here who are reaching their hands back to yours love you too. God or whatever you want to believe in loves you. You are worthy of all things good, as worthy as anyone, and that includes love. Please love yourself, there is joy in your future if you give yourself the gift of love. Get out of your own head, take a journey out to space and look down (in your mind). Our lives are so tiny in the scheme, and in that they are so precious, every moment a gift.
If you only remember you are loved, and keep remembering it, you will value yourself and move on. Love, a mom
April 28th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
Theressa,
The first step to getting help is know that you need help. It seems like you are there. I’m really afraid for you though. Sometimes the people closest to us can’t see waht we are going through, and sometimes unfortunately, adults don’t want to believe that young people like have problems.
You need to find an adult you trust, with whom you can talk. A teacher or school counselor or maybe your dance coach, but please talk to someone.
May 1st, 2008 at 3:17 pm
Teressa,
I cannot relate too well, only to say that I have suffered from depression and have a friend with OCD. It took a long time for me to understand what that meant, and I once thought she was just being weird for the sake of being weird. We can talk about it now and our friendship is much better. I wish you luck and love and I hope you find someone to confide in.
May 2nd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
How are you doing? Please let us know.
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:31 pm
You know what? I don’t know how you feel. I have no idea how it feels to be in your shoes. I really haven’t had much of a weight or image problem. But I’m here for you.
People will never understand the pain you go through, even if they have been through similar events. Pain is a personal thing. I pray that you will over come this, you are not too weak or too frail to beat this. I understand that you are not doing this for attention. You are strong to be able to identify your problems so accurately. I know this problem is not caused by the lack of acknowledgement or lack of caring by your parents even though that aids in the problem. The only way to get through this is to look yourself in the mirror and realize you are beautiful.
It may take more than just yourself to realize this. But you are beautiful, and capable of change. I will not sugar coat this. It will be hard and it will take time, but you are strong enough to get through this, if you want to change. My prayers are with you.
May 17th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
NO! is all i have to say.
No to the way your going about this attention seeking and No to the way you are aware that you are doing this and know how abd it is but your only concerne is “nobodys noticing me”
it may just be the way you have written this but it sounds like to me you havnt tried ALL of your toher options to get attention there sweetheart.
go to your mum sit here down and yell at thetop of tyour voice if you ave to.
“I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER ARE YOU GOING TO HELP ME OR NOT!?” and if you get the same responce then march yourself down the the school counseller bring your friends who are to blind to notice your rib cage showing. and tell them.
but dont contiue this
May 29th, 2008 at 3:15 am
Teressa,
What other things have your parents got on their plates that they are struggling with? When was the last time you noticed what was going on in your mothers life, maybe she is tired of you not noticing her troubles she already has that you seem to feel justified in adding to rather than helping her.
You’ve got to help yourself, other than the fact that it seem’s you are capable of it, if you wait for somone else to help you you could be waiting a long time- especially when your ways are pushing others for attention, its manipulative, and its not going to help people to want to help you like you want it to. You desperately want to feel your mothers love- It is in giving others love that love is most often returned to us. The bible puts it simply too that ‘we love him because he first loved us’.
The definition of insanity is to try the same thing repededly expecting differen’t results. I’ve had issues with my family, I had a tough time getting the ballance that now works for me, there’s still a lot of hurt but Its much easier to live now that I accept they do what they will or won’t and I do what I will or won’t regardless! I used to hang waiting, hoping, wishing they would give me the attention that they so easily gave my other siblings.. this doesn’t sound greatly positive but it happens, and big deal! we all have different preferances in style’s of people etc. Its tough when its our parents who don’t be good examples of mature ‘adult’ behaviour and we sometimes have to be the bigger people. Get up.. move on you don’t need this attention in this way. It can be hard I know, but there are others that have experianced it! One of the worst things I’ve seen like this is a friend whos mum was not very pleasant to her and shel now grown with her own children is still battling with her mother for attention and it interferes with her relation ship with her own daughters, who I fear I see struggling now for their mothers attention too… and on. I’m not saying that this is your case but its better to snap out of this and get on with your life and dedicate it to the people who give you their full attention- your friends, than to those who aren’t for whatever reason keep’s on their mind as important… Comunicate! Do the best you can and move on! You WONT regret it!!
I dont know if that all came out the way it is in my mind, i hope you understand me.
YOU must start working on getting YOURSELF better for.. YOU
take care
May 29th, 2008 at 3:31 am
oh.. and that friend of mine doesn’t notice the number of people who keep catching her tears and picking things up for her that she doesn’t know fell.. walking with her all the way. While she ‘worships’ her mother through her behaviour that is quite distructive to her.. look around you and see the good and the great that you may do/be/have. I’m sorry I sound terribly lecturey. I know its tough
take care
xxxxx