Dear God,
I had an affair with my married boss. I knew it was wrong, I really did. So many factors went into my reason to commit such a sin. None of them good reasons, I see that now. My problem is the way he treats me now, now that’s it over. Like it never happened and that he hates me. I have always looked up to him in so many ways, I know God that that sounds weird, he did have an affair on his wife (whom I know and have grown to love and respect ), but i am just as wrong as he is. Even though it was a sinful relationship, we loved each other. It ended because he, we, did not want to live the lies anymore. But I still love and respect him and miss him and his company. I would never do this again, Lord, I promise you. Please help me understand why he is being so mean and hurtful to me. Help him understand that I am hurting, he is and always has been a little on the rough side. But i saw another side of him.How can he treat me this way? Is it because i remind him of all the wrong things he has done? Why do i feel like i am the only one hurting here? Like I am the only sinful person? I have let go of the relationship part, but he always said he would love me and would always be there for me,a friend. Now he cant even look at me, honestly,he cant and doesn’t. I feel so ashamed,alone and icky. Please let him know and realize that we once really cared for each other and i am still me. Let him miss me a little and give him a dose of hurt to while your at it. Please forgive me, and him. And please let that old man know that he lost a good friend and lots of respect. Feeling Crappy, Orange County, California/USAShare:
June 19th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
God, that is a steamy picture you put up with this confession. What are you trying to say hmmmmmmm?
June 24th, 2008 at 3:04 am
Your pain is real. So is the change in him.
And it REALLY sucks, but it’s ancient.
I don’t know what to call it, but we see it all over history,literature, and The Bible.
We want what we shouldn’t have, we love it, we rationalize why we SHOULD have it, then we GET it, and then we despise it/ourselves!
You say that you would never do it again…is it because you feel like it was a mistake, or is just because he’s treating you this way?
If you really think it was a mistake, then you’re essentially doing the SAME thing your boss is doing, only you process the same emotion differently.
It’s the forbidden fruit phenomenon. It never makes us happy. It’s all over Shakespeare, Greek Philosophy, and in the Bible, a good example is the story of when one of David’s sons fell in love with his own sister. It was a forbidden love that ended very badly. (2 Samuel 13:1-22). Check it out..
So I don’t have an answer. I’ll pray for you as well…but if you want examples of people grabbing at what they think they should have and being burnt for it, the Old Testament is full of it!
June 24th, 2008 at 4:58 am
hurt is not always apparent or equally divided - you need to take some time to withdraw from this situation, as it is only causing anguish for you. you knew going into this that there was little to no chance for this to end in your favor. he is married and you stepped into a position to break his family up and now want to feel good about it - it won’t come easily. you crossed a line, and now you have to deal with what that caused - namely, losing him as a friend and someone you can be close with. you have to deal with that - away from him.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
To Scrolldigger, thank you for pointing out all the differnt sripture that relates to my situation. Those are intersting facts and I will totally look into them. I just wanted to clear a couple things up. I DONT WANT him!! And I wouldnt do it again because I know it was a mistake, im not dumb and I know right from wrong. And because of the way he is treating me. I would have rather have had him as a friend then a ‘part time lover”.(ISNT THAT A SONG?) And I never thought I should have him. I simply gave into lust and made a huge mistake. But I really do thank you for your comments…..as for mr.zach…..well,well,well. You have me all fired up buddy!!!You are right, I knew going into this that I was not going to end up with him. And as screwd up and backwards as it sounds, I didnt want to. And NO, again,sounds nuts,never did I ever want to break up his family. I know, you are thinking then why would you do it/ Read my above comment, I gave into lust and did not make a good decsion. I never said I wanted to feel good about it. I just want to feel like I am not alone in this. I guess I want to feel like I didnt do it with someone who didnt even really love me at all. I guess,Zach,i want to know that in some way he still cares and that he did .Is that really so wrong,Zach? But as much as I disagree with your comments<thank you for sharing them.
June 28th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Unfortunately, the likelihood that he loved you is very slim. The cold hard fact is that a man is only as faithful as his options. Before the affair he probably thought about you a lot. He may have cared about you on some level. For a time he felt like a bachelor again. The flirting etc. was all exciting and refreshing. Right about now, what he is feeling is a deep guilt. He is thinking about his family, and how they would be devastated if they knew and how his entire life/ job etc is in jeopardy because of what he did with you. He doesn’t want to be reminded of what he did and this is why he treats you the way he does. For all intents an purposes he wants you and the memory of you to go away. Regardless of whether or not you wanted to break up his family, the potential is still there. I know it probably hurts, and Im sure you feel like a used tissue, but this is the situation that you set yourself up for. Becoming emotionally invested in a man who would be willing to stray from his wife is asking for heart-ache. Try to use this as a learning experience and move on with your life as quickly as possible. Wasting any more time worrying about whether or not he hurts of he does care or if he wants to be friends etc is a lost cause and is not going to change the situation. How he is feeling should be of little consequence and I assure you the more you pursue it the worse it will get. It was a mistake, one that hopefully neither of you make again. Now go live the rest of your life!
July 12th, 2008 at 1:00 am
Very well put Travis. Hits the nail on the head.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:24 am
Hi,
Hope you are feeling better. My only suggestion would be to look for a new job. Right now the memory of the affair is staring you in the face daily.
July 19th, 2008 at 9:27 am
I did the same exact thing and am feeling the same exact way . If I could go back in time I would have never done it . I knew then that I would be hurt so much , if I knew what the real rules were of the game I would have never done it. The problem is , is that we were really good friends and now its so awkward and weird and I am hurting so much and he isn’t . Its a hug mess here at work . I can’t leave and don’t want to leave the job I love .
My heart is broken , my pride is shattered and I feel like a whore .
I’m going to pull myself up and come out of this situation better than I was before .
July 27th, 2008 at 1:29 am
wow, it’s amazing how many people this happens too. I am in the same exact position except his wife now knows, which I contributed to as he starting distancing himself from me I wanted him to hurt as bad as I did, some sick love I guess. many crazy things have happened, but just two days ago I called and apologized to his wife, funny I gained respect from her and she told him I am no longer the BITCH, and she sees why he fell in love with me. Mine went on for almost a year, half beautiful relationship, the other half one hell of a long break up or tears, fighting, questions, etc etc. He says I’m the best lover when I’m loving and the best fighter when I’m fighting, I’m an extremist. I’m now at the position that he has given me the wheel, the wife said he can stay at work, it’s his choice, he told me it’s mine, so now this weekend I decide…does he stay or go???? big decision, I want to hold on and a sick part of me wants him to stay so it’s more stressful on their relationship in hopes that he will get a divorce and be with me. Funny thing is the love we had in the beginning is not the same, and probably gone from his part so I know he wouldn’t be with me now anyway, so he says. But part of me still has that hope. I’m in love and scared to say go, yet he is my boss, best friend, ex-lover, married, and I can’t stop thinking every second what he is doing with her. So, do I say go?!?!?! can i be his best friend while he is with her like he wants? my choice, which is a big one. please help :…(
July 28th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
~Listen to Travis up there
The only thing I would like to add is - At the moment, it may seem hard and as a fellow woman I know very well the emotional rollercoaster we sometimes endure. But even if your heart doesnt feel right with logical clean cut advice from stangers… its truth, and you my friend are standing alone in your emotionally clouded reality.
Bottle up ALL your hurt ALL your pain and put it towards NEVER making the same mistake again. Be encouraged to be a stronger person through it ! Walk away a loser of someone you never really had…but a winner of growth & possible character development.
Pray for God to give you the strength to move on my friend
July 30th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
The God that I believe in knows your true essence and soul. You have asked God for forgiveness, and now it is up to you to accept God’s forgiveness. We are all imperfect humans who make mistakes and sometimes, hopefully, learn from them. God loves you and has already forgiven you. Please forgive yourself so that you can move on confident in God’s love and confident that you are a good person. Let go of your shame and negative feelings. You were meant to live in the light and shine brightly. Remember, you are never alone - God wants you to be loved and happy in the bright light of day (and not hiding to escape discovery). Good luck and know you are a beautiful soul.
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Being on the wife’s side of this kind of incident. I can only agree with Travis. That describes his feelings precisely. And I can only advise “feeling crappy“ and “me too“ to get out of there while you can. “Feeling crappy“, how can you two be friends? Have you not hurt his wife and family enough? Is it not time you took the consequences and stopped all contact with him? You knew what you were getting into from the start. “Me too” trust me you do not want him, most man who do this do it over and over again, be happy that you are not married to him and walk away while you can. If he left her and married you, you would be a fool not to worry about him cheating on you, and chances are he will.
Even though it seams that the wives situation is preferable because he came back to her, she now has to live with him without ever trusting him again. And divorce is a totally different matter than a break up of a relationship. In front of god you will always be married to that person. In joint venture with the cheating husbands you have left the wives in impossible situations.
September 28th, 2008 at 7:54 am
I was in a very similar situation…..I had never been in a serious relationship ever.A year and a half ago I fell in love with my married superior at work (well in my case at college - he was a young prof) who becomes my best friend, told me he is sad and lonely, bored in his marriage, and months after he tells me he needs you/loves you/wants to be with you, promises never to break your heart, etc. This emotional affair lasted almost a year, with the second half of the year being a prolonged break-up of tears, questions, just like ‘me too’. A few months ago I ended up leaving work and moving home with my parents (I am 23, he is 31) because I just couldn’t take living and working there anymore. It took me a while to realize that if he truly did love me, none of this would have ever happened. The guy is a coward, afraid of change, had a lack of emotional connection in his marriage, and took the easy way out by becoming ‘friends’ with a single vulnerable girl, and promised me the world. I know what I did was horribly wrong (and always knew it was wrong), and have been struggling with being able to forgive myself. I left my work, the people there, and the life I had set up for myself. It was the hardest yet smartest thing I have ever done. I do not talk to this guy at all anymore, which caused me a huge heart break but also a feeling of renewed self-esteem and independence. All people make mistakes. We have to come to terms with that. If everyone beat themselves up for every mistake that we have made, no one in the world would be thriving as human beings. We all would just be sitting and feeling like ‘crap’ and ‘useless and used’. I still feel used and stupid and naive and like a whore quite often, but I am learning to push those feelings aside and do something proactive. We all deserve to live and be happy, regardless of the mistakes we have made. Learn from the mistakes, and move on. We all deserve it.
I am though confused about one thing. I want to tell his wife about the affair. I know her quite well and think she deserves to know. I wish he would tell her, but he told me that he would not. I think it may help alleviate some of my feelings of guilt. I just don’t want to do the wrong thing. Is it best to just keep it quiet, even though the guilt is haunting me every day??
September 28th, 2008 at 11:34 am
JENNIE…..I HOPE YOU GET THIS. ITS ME,THE ORIGINAL GIRL WHO WROTE THIS. I WOULD NOT TELL HER! PLEASE DONT TELL HER. I AM ALSO FRIENDS WITH “HIS WIFE” AND I LOVE HER! I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY BUT WE ARE FRIENDS AND I KNOW IN THE END ON HER OWN HOPEFULLY SOMEDAY DOWN THE LINE SHE WILL FIND OUT,NOT ABOUT ME,HOPEFULLY BUT THE OTHERS HE CONTINUES TO CHEAT ON HER WITH. I AM SURE YOU KNOW AND HAVE HEARD THIS BUT ONCE A CHEATED ALWAYS A CHEATER. I KNOW MY EX MARRIED GUY IS OVER ME AND THAT HURTS BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT AS MUCH AS I AM HURTING HE IS STILL A CRAPPY PERSON WHO CONTINUES TO CHEAT ON HIS WIFE WITH OTHER WOMAN. SO JENNIE,DONT TELL HER. HE WILL SOMEDAY SCREW UP AND SHE WILL FIND OUT ON HER OWN. AS I AM SURE SHE PROBABLY SUSPECTS SOMETHING ANYWAYS. I HAVE A TON OF GUILT BUT I AM DEEP DOWN INSIDE TRYING TO GET OVER IT AND PROMISE TO NEVER NEVER TO THAT AGAIN. I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESAGE JENNIE . TAKE CARE GIRL!!!!
September 29th, 2008 at 5:59 am
Thanks for the response! That is just what I needed… someone else’s opinion who has gone through something similar. I won’t tell her unless she ever does ask me. Thanks again - hang in there too, the pain of losing such a close friend will eventually go away, it just takes a lot of time and courage :).
October 7th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I totally understand what you all are going through. I hope you don’t mind me sharing my own story and thoughts about affairs. This is the first time I’ve really talked about my own situation, maybe because this site seems a little kinder to those who have fallen into this trap. I don’t know why emotion makes it so easy to believe what someone says, when clearly their intentions are not what you’d want to believe.
I got the typical story from my boss…his wife isn’t there for him emotionally, he needs “more,” he loves his kids, but yet somehow has found it possible to work away from home 50% of the time for over 7 years. Who’s not there? They met when they were only 16, and were young and foolish and now he’s met me and it’s fate, and we belong together, oh, and do I want kids someday? And oh, how hard his childhood was, and of course he told me all the details and got the sympathy vote. But see, he really loves me, and he’s just so torn over what to do…all he does is think about me and the life we could have together. You know, you look at it on paper and it’s like some book a guy once published called “How to guarantee you’ll get in your employee’s pants in just two months!” I bet that book would sell a trillion copies…
The truth is, it’s a sad situation…women tend to be vulnerable. Biologically we are more in competition with each other than men are, and seriously, modern society hasn’t diminished that. Men still are programmed to try to “acquire” as many women as possible. And affairs – so I believe now that I have had an unfortunate experience with this – are never about sex, certainly not about love. You can believe it’s about a lack of emotional stability in the marriage, but it’s really about ego. “Can I get what I can’t have?” If it works, you can claim to be Master of the Universe, and then all those insecurities might at last go away. And that’s on both sides of the fence, male or female.
To alleviate some of the guilt people reading this might feel, and to clear up some misconceptions for anyone who might be chomping at the bit to judge…it’s not at all about whether you actually slept with someone who was married. The guilt comes from deluding yourself into thinking you could have something that doesn’t belong to you…trying to take it away from someone else - stealing, in essence. I only had a few attempts at a sexual encounter with my boss, but we stopped each time out of guilt. And it doesn’t matter really…the guilt is still there. My intentions were the same, whether it happened or not. And I always thought I was smarter than that. My own father cheated on my mother numerous times, leading to divorce and my not having a strong relationship with him. But you never understand a situation until you are in it, and it’s very easy for those with no experience like that to say that they would never do it. I was one of those people, and I quite easily found myself in the very same situation I swore I would always avoid. Emotion makes all you thought you knew disappear…all it takes is one charming person who says the “right” things. At the worst of his “guilt,” I held him in my arms as he sobbed and told him I forgave him for the situation he put me in. Held him in my arms and comforted him while my own heart was breaking. Do you think he ever did that for me? Ever once stepped outside of what he wanted to be there for me? I don’t think I have to even answer that one for you…
I think about his children…how they came dangerously close to having the same distanced relationship with their father that I grew up with. I think about his wife, coping to raise her children without any help whatsoever the way my mother did. And that is something I will live with forever. But still I work with him everyday, and although the affair is long over…yes, the hold he once had on me surfaces from time to time. But I realize that’s just old emotions taking over, and I get out of there…go for a walk, work from home…whatever I have to do to until I can realize I’m being stupid again. Because for him, it is still the same game of ego stroking. What can he do to exert power over me again, to piss me off, get a reaction out of me, to possess something he cannot have? As my superior, he can do as he damn well pleases, which makes life none too pleasant right now. And of course, it is only me looking for a new job, even after he promised me he would look as well. See…that’s the ego of it. The pursuer feels “entitled” to something, and they will continue to pursue until a point when the risk outweighs the benefit. But be prepared – the pursuit of the ego stroke does not end. That’s why you have to get out of an environment like that. Don’t delude yourself in thinking you can stay at your job, or continue to know someone you’ve had an affair with, even if it is outside of work. It is not fair – it is usually the pursued that pays more of the price than the pursuant. Or worse – it is the pursuer’s family, the innocent victims in all of this, who find themselves suddenly without a husband or father when the wife finds out.
I take responsibility for what I did. I have never been one to be easy on myself in general, and I beat myself up constantly. I do not like the person I have become through all this, but I am working to change. That is why I am trying to get out of that environment – it is the right thing to do for his family, because even though the affair has ended, he will never stop pursuing me because of the ego thing. Is he taking responsibility? No…he expects that life will carry on without his having to address the consequences of his actions, since no one knows anything at this point. No harm, no foul I guess. I am not the kind of person to tell his wife, his boss, or anyone else…because I wronged his children once, and I am not going to do it again. I hate him for lying to me…because the story in the beginning was all about how unhappy he was at home, yet by the end, he magically loved his wife again and would never do anything to hurt his children. He played a game, and he played it well. Me? I was just stupid to believe him.
But if you’ve been in a similar situation, don’t dwell too much on what you’ve done. Realize you made a mistake, and promise to learn from that mistake. Realize you have rights here – the right to be happy, respected, and able to work in an environment that is not uncomfortable on a daily basis. Find another job, cut all communication with you ex-lover and move on. To take any other course is just continuing to play a game you will never win. And don’t be deceived when the situation suddenly changes. If he was aloof and unkind right after the affair, I guarantee, the “sensitive,” “loving” side of him will resurface as soon as his ego is ready for another meal.
Good luck to anyone who has to go through this. It’s very easy to say affairs are wrong and you should not get into that situation, but the majority of married people in this world are affected by affairs. It is not uncommon, and it is stupid, and no one involved in an affair is every thinking clearly. If I could go back and not do this, would I? Yes. But the lesson I would not have learned is that people will say a lot of things to get what they want, and you need a pretty thick screen to weed through all the B.S. Not only do I not want to ever fall victim to that kind of B.S. again – I certainly don’t want to be someone that ever puts it upon someone else. You think more clearly after a mistake this big, at least you will if you take the time to learn from it.
October 27th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Get a backbone and some class!!!!
October 28th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Kristen…dont know who your comment was directed to but if its to me the original person who wrote this then thank you for your kind and heartfelt thoughts. I have a ton of class and a pretty tough backbone but what I dont have is any respect for someone who comes on this site and takes the time to read my story and then leaves a rude comment like yours. Look at yourself and see that it is YOU that has no class and please go away. Thank you and have a wonderful day!!!!
November 8th, 2008 at 10:48 am
First off, I thank all of you for your postings. I too have made the decision to have an affair and the pain it caused and is still causing is beyond words. I am married with 2 kids and my husband had emotionally disconnected with me. No sex, no love, no communication. I kept hoping things would change. I prayed, I sought counseling and finally I gave up. About that time an ex boyfriend contacted me and we began talking by phone. He is married and lives in another state. Within the first 3 months of us talking, I knew I was in trouble. I couldn’t wait for him to call and I was staying up late at night so we could talk. Thus began our emotional affair. This lasted for almost a year and then my family moved to the state where he lived. Within a month after arriving our affair become sexual and has continued. I finally confessed to my husband and he forgave me but I have not ceased contact with this man. It’s like an addiction. I go through a cycle and then one of us breaks down and emails or calls. I am weak. I know this. And I’m selfish. I know that we can never be together. We love our children too much to put them through a divorce. I’ve never told anyone else about the affair…….I think I just needed to vent. I know that I’ve made morally wrong decisions and I’ve hurt my husband and his wife. For that I’m truly sorry. I’ve always thought I was a person of character and integrity but after this situation, I know that is not the case. I realize that integrity means doing the right thing even when you don’t want to…….when every fiber of yourself screams to be satisfied…….you muster all your courage and say no. How I wish I had said no. Well, thank you for allowing me to utilize this forum to express my heart. I wish all of you the best and I appreciate you sharing your journeys.
November 8th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Yannie…so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am curious though…did you feel you were in love with this man you had the affair with? Having been in that situation myself, I think sometimes affairs are not quite as torrid as they’re made out to be. I loved mine…and he the same. But we could not leave our respective families, and thus ended it. He was not actually my boss, but rather my boss’ boss, which is even scarier situation in some ways. We both still work together, but the thing is…who says we can’t love each other? We just can’t you know…”act” on it. But sometimes your emotional connection to someone is so strong it never goes away, and I don’t necessarily think making the right decision (even if you make it later on in the saga) means it has to be all or nothing. The thing that starts affairs is an emotional connection, not a sexual one. It’s just that the latter goes along so darn well with the former! LOL. But maybe if you compromise and say, “do I love this guy? YES” and stay friends on a platonic level, it’s better than adopting a policy of hatred or giving up someone who does fulfil an emotional need in you? Don’t know, I’ve thought quite a lot of this lately, and wondered…if a spouse had a choice to grant you EMOTIONAL freedom with another man, provided you forsake SEXUAL freedom…is that then acceptable.
Guess there are no hard answers here, but I feel for what you’re going through, and I hope things get better soon.
November 11th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Leah, Thank you for sharing your situation. Yes, we both love each other. We loved each other 17 years ago when we first dated. That love has only grown and deepened especially after a year of only being able to connect by phone or computer. You are so right, the connection is emotional and our connection emotionally is beyond any I’ve ever had……male or female. I think that is what I long for and miss the most…….and you’re right the latter does go SOOOO very well with the former. We have tried the platonic thing and it hasn’t worked but truth is…..maybe we didn’t try hard enough. We so easily found ourselves brushing hands and reaching out for that familiar and then we’d find our selves back in the same situation. I can only hope my heart heals and I’m able to find peace with what is before me. What is your situation now with this man and your life? I know you mentioned that you still work together……how do you do that? I don’t have any answers!! I guess this is just the way things are for now. Thanks again for responding. Yannie
November 25th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Yannie, yes I agree…it’s the emotional piece that makes it hard. But platonic actually can be hard too…especially if you still work together. There are good days and there are bad days. On the good days, you feel like there is something between the two of you that no one else in the world understands. On the bad days, you curse him for being the most selfish bastard you’ve ever met. It’s impossible some days not to fight, and impossible on other days not to love. I guess that’s true of any relationship, but there are hurt feelings underlying every move in an affair, and no escaping it…makes it that much harder.
I think there’s nothing here that’s any different than anything else that hurts…on the good days, you try to remember all the things in your life to be grateful for, and on the bad days, you try to breathe and remember that it’s just one day…one day to get through until tomorrow, and maybe that’s one of the good ones again.
I hope you are having more good days than bad and starting to heal old wounds. Stay strong…this is tough stuff, but you’ll come through it just fine!