Dear God,
I had an affair with my married boss. I knew it was wrong, I really did. So many factors went into my reason to commit such a sin. None of them good reasons, I see that now. My problem is the way he treats me now, now that’s it over. Like it never happened and that he hates me. I have always looked up to him in so many ways, I know God that that sounds weird, he did have an affair on his wife (whom I know and have grown to love and respect ), but i am just as wrong as he is. Even though it was a sinful relationship, we loved each other. It ended because he, we, did not want to live the lies anymore. But I still love and respect him and miss him and his company. I would never do this again, Lord, I promise you. Please help me understand why he is being so mean and hurtful to me. Help him understand that I am hurting, he is and always has been a little on the rough side. But i saw another side of him.How can he treat me this way? Is it because i remind him of all the wrong things he has done? Why do i feel like i am the only one hurting here? Like I am the only sinful person? I have let go of the relationship part, but he always said he would love me and would always be there for me,a friend. Now he cant even look at me, honestly,he cant and doesn’t. I feel so ashamed,alone and icky. Please let him know and realize that we once really cared for each other and i am still me. Let him miss me a little and give him a dose of hurt to while your at it. Please forgive me, and him. And please let that old man know that he lost a good friend and lots of respect. Feeling Crappy, Orange County, California/USAShare:
June 19th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
God, that is a steamy picture you put up with this confession. What are you trying to say hmmmmmmm?
June 24th, 2008 at 3:04 am
Your pain is real. So is the change in him.
And it REALLY sucks, but it’s ancient.
I don’t know what to call it, but we see it all over history,literature, and The Bible.
We want what we shouldn’t have, we love it, we rationalize why we SHOULD have it, then we GET it, and then we despise it/ourselves!
You say that you would never do it again…is it because you feel like it was a mistake, or is just because he’s treating you this way?
If you really think it was a mistake, then you’re essentially doing the SAME thing your boss is doing, only you process the same emotion differently.
It’s the forbidden fruit phenomenon. It never makes us happy. It’s all over Shakespeare, Greek Philosophy, and in the Bible, a good example is the story of when one of David’s sons fell in love with his own sister. It was a forbidden love that ended very badly. (2 Samuel 13:1-22). Check it out..
So I don’t have an answer. I’ll pray for you as well…but if you want examples of people grabbing at what they think they should have and being burnt for it, the Old Testament is full of it!
June 24th, 2008 at 4:58 am
hurt is not always apparent or equally divided - you need to take some time to withdraw from this situation, as it is only causing anguish for you. you knew going into this that there was little to no chance for this to end in your favor. he is married and you stepped into a position to break his family up and now want to feel good about it - it won’t come easily. you crossed a line, and now you have to deal with what that caused - namely, losing him as a friend and someone you can be close with. you have to deal with that - away from him.
June 24th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
To Scrolldigger, thank you for pointing out all the differnt sripture that relates to my situation. Those are intersting facts and I will totally look into them. I just wanted to clear a couple things up. I DONT WANT him!! And I wouldnt do it again because I know it was a mistake, im not dumb and I know right from wrong. And because of the way he is treating me. I would have rather have had him as a friend then a ‘part time lover”.(ISNT THAT A SONG?) And I never thought I should have him. I simply gave into lust and made a huge mistake. But I really do thank you for your comments…..as for mr.zach…..well,well,well. You have me all fired up buddy!!!You are right, I knew going into this that I was not going to end up with him. And as screwd up and backwards as it sounds, I didnt want to. And NO, again,sounds nuts,never did I ever want to break up his family. I know, you are thinking then why would you do it/ Read my above comment, I gave into lust and did not make a good decsion. I never said I wanted to feel good about it. I just want to feel like I am not alone in this. I guess I want to feel like I didnt do it with someone who didnt even really love me at all. I guess,Zach,i want to know that in some way he still cares and that he did .Is that really so wrong,Zach? But as much as I disagree with your comments<thank you for sharing them.
June 28th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Unfortunately, the likelihood that he loved you is very slim. The cold hard fact is that a man is only as faithful as his options. Before the affair he probably thought about you a lot. He may have cared about you on some level. For a time he felt like a bachelor again. The flirting etc. was all exciting and refreshing. Right about now, what he is feeling is a deep guilt. He is thinking about his family, and how they would be devastated if they knew and how his entire life/ job etc is in jeopardy because of what he did with you. He doesn’t want to be reminded of what he did and this is why he treats you the way he does. For all intents an purposes he wants you and the memory of you to go away. Regardless of whether or not you wanted to break up his family, the potential is still there. I know it probably hurts, and Im sure you feel like a used tissue, but this is the situation that you set yourself up for. Becoming emotionally invested in a man who would be willing to stray from his wife is asking for heart-ache. Try to use this as a learning experience and move on with your life as quickly as possible. Wasting any more time worrying about whether or not he hurts of he does care or if he wants to be friends etc is a lost cause and is not going to change the situation. How he is feeling should be of little consequence and I assure you the more you pursue it the worse it will get. It was a mistake, one that hopefully neither of you make again. Now go live the rest of your life!
July 12th, 2008 at 1:00 am
Very well put Travis. Hits the nail on the head.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:24 am
Hi,
Hope you are feeling better. My only suggestion would be to look for a new job. Right now the memory of the affair is staring you in the face daily.
July 19th, 2008 at 9:27 am
I did the same exact thing and am feeling the same exact way . If I could go back in time I would have never done it . I knew then that I would be hurt so much , if I knew what the real rules were of the game I would have never done it. The problem is , is that we were really good friends and now its so awkward and weird and I am hurting so much and he isn’t . Its a hug mess here at work . I can’t leave and don’t want to leave the job I love .
My heart is broken , my pride is shattered and I feel like a whore .
I’m going to pull myself up and come out of this situation better than I was before .
July 27th, 2008 at 1:29 am
wow, it’s amazing how many people this happens too. I am in the same exact position except his wife now knows, which I contributed to as he starting distancing himself from me I wanted him to hurt as bad as I did, some sick love I guess. many crazy things have happened, but just two days ago I called and apologized to his wife, funny I gained respect from her and she told him I am no longer the BITCH, and she sees why he fell in love with me. Mine went on for almost a year, half beautiful relationship, the other half one hell of a long break up or tears, fighting, questions, etc etc. He says I’m the best lover when I’m loving and the best fighter when I’m fighting, I’m an extremist. I’m now at the position that he has given me the wheel, the wife said he can stay at work, it’s his choice, he told me it’s mine, so now this weekend I decide…does he stay or go???? big decision, I want to hold on and a sick part of me wants him to stay so it’s more stressful on their relationship in hopes that he will get a divorce and be with me. Funny thing is the love we had in the beginning is not the same, and probably gone from his part so I know he wouldn’t be with me now anyway, so he says. But part of me still has that hope. I’m in love and scared to say go, yet he is my boss, best friend, ex-lover, married, and I can’t stop thinking every second what he is doing with her. So, do I say go?!?!?! can i be his best friend while he is with her like he wants? my choice, which is a big one. please help :…(
July 28th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
~Listen to Travis up there
The only thing I would like to add is - At the moment, it may seem hard and as a fellow woman I know very well the emotional rollercoaster we sometimes endure. But even if your heart doesnt feel right with logical clean cut advice from stangers… its truth, and you my friend are standing alone in your emotionally clouded reality.
Bottle up ALL your hurt ALL your pain and put it towards NEVER making the same mistake again. Be encouraged to be a stronger person through it ! Walk away a loser of someone you never really had…but a winner of growth & possible character development.
Pray for God to give you the strength to move on my friend
July 30th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
The God that I believe in knows your true essence and soul. You have asked God for forgiveness, and now it is up to you to accept God’s forgiveness. We are all imperfect humans who make mistakes and sometimes, hopefully, learn from them. God loves you and has already forgiven you. Please forgive yourself so that you can move on confident in God’s love and confident that you are a good person. Let go of your shame and negative feelings. You were meant to live in the light and shine brightly. Remember, you are never alone - God wants you to be loved and happy in the bright light of day (and not hiding to escape discovery). Good luck and know you are a beautiful soul.
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Being on the wife’s side of this kind of incident. I can only agree with Travis. That describes his feelings precisely. And I can only advise “feeling crappy“ and “me too“ to get out of there while you can. “Feeling crappy“, how can you two be friends? Have you not hurt his wife and family enough? Is it not time you took the consequences and stopped all contact with him? You knew what you were getting into from the start. “Me too” trust me you do not want him, most man who do this do it over and over again, be happy that you are not married to him and walk away while you can. If he left her and married you, you would be a fool not to worry about him cheating on you, and chances are he will.
Even though it seams that the wives situation is preferable because he came back to her, she now has to live with him without ever trusting him again. And divorce is a totally different matter than a break up of a relationship. In front of god you will always be married to that person. In joint venture with the cheating husbands you have left the wives in impossible situations.
September 28th, 2008 at 7:54 am
I was in a very similar situation…..I had never been in a serious relationship ever.A year and a half ago I fell in love with my married superior at work (well in my case at college - he was a young prof) who becomes my best friend, told me he is sad and lonely, bored in his marriage, and months after he tells me he needs you/loves you/wants to be with you, promises never to break your heart, etc. This emotional affair lasted almost a year, with the second half of the year being a prolonged break-up of tears, questions, just like ‘me too’. A few months ago I ended up leaving work and moving home with my parents (I am 23, he is 31) because I just couldn’t take living and working there anymore. It took me a while to realize that if he truly did love me, none of this would have ever happened. The guy is a coward, afraid of change, had a lack of emotional connection in his marriage, and took the easy way out by becoming ‘friends’ with a single vulnerable girl, and promised me the world. I know what I did was horribly wrong (and always knew it was wrong), and have been struggling with being able to forgive myself. I left my work, the people there, and the life I had set up for myself. It was the hardest yet smartest thing I have ever done. I do not talk to this guy at all anymore, which caused me a huge heart break but also a feeling of renewed self-esteem and independence. All people make mistakes. We have to come to terms with that. If everyone beat themselves up for every mistake that we have made, no one in the world would be thriving as human beings. We all would just be sitting and feeling like ‘crap’ and ‘useless and used’. I still feel used and stupid and naive and like a whore quite often, but I am learning to push those feelings aside and do something proactive. We all deserve to live and be happy, regardless of the mistakes we have made. Learn from the mistakes, and move on. We all deserve it.
I am though confused about one thing. I want to tell his wife about the affair. I know her quite well and think she deserves to know. I wish he would tell her, but he told me that he would not. I think it may help alleviate some of my feelings of guilt. I just don’t want to do the wrong thing. Is it best to just keep it quiet, even though the guilt is haunting me every day??
September 28th, 2008 at 11:34 am
JENNIE…..I HOPE YOU GET THIS. ITS ME,THE ORIGINAL GIRL WHO WROTE THIS. I WOULD NOT TELL HER! PLEASE DONT TELL HER. I AM ALSO FRIENDS WITH “HIS WIFE” AND I LOVE HER! I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY BUT WE ARE FRIENDS AND I KNOW IN THE END ON HER OWN HOPEFULLY SOMEDAY DOWN THE LINE SHE WILL FIND OUT,NOT ABOUT ME,HOPEFULLY BUT THE OTHERS HE CONTINUES TO CHEAT ON HER WITH. I AM SURE YOU KNOW AND HAVE HEARD THIS BUT ONCE A CHEATED ALWAYS A CHEATER. I KNOW MY EX MARRIED GUY IS OVER ME AND THAT HURTS BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT AS MUCH AS I AM HURTING HE IS STILL A CRAPPY PERSON WHO CONTINUES TO CHEAT ON HIS WIFE WITH OTHER WOMAN. SO JENNIE,DONT TELL HER. HE WILL SOMEDAY SCREW UP AND SHE WILL FIND OUT ON HER OWN. AS I AM SURE SHE PROBABLY SUSPECTS SOMETHING ANYWAYS. I HAVE A TON OF GUILT BUT I AM DEEP DOWN INSIDE TRYING TO GET OVER IT AND PROMISE TO NEVER NEVER TO THAT AGAIN. I HOPE YOU GET THIS MESAGE JENNIE . TAKE CARE GIRL!!!!
September 29th, 2008 at 5:59 am
Thanks for the response! That is just what I needed… someone else’s opinion who has gone through something similar. I won’t tell her unless she ever does ask me. Thanks again - hang in there too, the pain of losing such a close friend will eventually go away, it just takes a lot of time and courage :).
October 7th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I totally understand what you all are going through. I hope you don’t mind me sharing my own story and thoughts about affairs. This is the first time I’ve really talked about my own situation, maybe because this site seems a little kinder to those who have fallen into this trap. I don’t know why emotion makes it so easy to believe what someone says, when clearly their intentions are not what you’d want to believe.
I got the typical story from my boss…his wife isn’t there for him emotionally, he needs “more,” he loves his kids, but yet somehow has found it possible to work away from home 50% of the time for over 7 years. Who’s not there? They met when they were only 16, and were young and foolish and now he’s met me and it’s fate, and we belong together, oh, and do I want kids someday? And oh, how hard his childhood was, and of course he told me all the details and got the sympathy vote. But see, he really loves me, and he’s just so torn over what to do…all he does is think about me and the life we could have together. You know, you look at it on paper and it’s like some book a guy once published called “How to guarantee you’ll get in your employee’s pants in just two months!” I bet that book would sell a trillion copies…
The truth is, it’s a sad situation…women tend to be vulnerable. Biologically we are more in competition with each other than men are, and seriously, modern society hasn’t diminished that. Men still are programmed to try to “acquire” as many women as possible. And affairs – so I believe now that I have had an unfortunate experience with this – are never about sex, certainly not about love. You can believe it’s about a lack of emotional stability in the marriage, but it’s really about ego. “Can I get what I can’t have?” If it works, you can claim to be Master of the Universe, and then all those insecurities might at last go away. And that’s on both sides of the fence, male or female.
To alleviate some of the guilt people reading this might feel, and to clear up some misconceptions for anyone who might be chomping at the bit to judge…it’s not at all about whether you actually slept with someone who was married. The guilt comes from deluding yourself into thinking you could have something that doesn’t belong to you…trying to take it away from someone else - stealing, in essence. I only had a few attempts at a sexual encounter with my boss, but we stopped each time out of guilt. And it doesn’t matter really…the guilt is still there. My intentions were the same, whether it happened or not. And I always thought I was smarter than that. My own father cheated on my mother numerous times, leading to divorce and my not having a strong relationship with him. But you never understand a situation until you are in it, and it’s very easy for those with no experience like that to say that they would never do it. I was one of those people, and I quite easily found myself in the very same situation I swore I would always avoid. Emotion makes all you thought you knew disappear…all it takes is one charming person who says the “right” things. At the worst of his “guilt,” I held him in my arms as he sobbed and told him I forgave him for the situation he put me in. Held him in my arms and comforted him while my own heart was breaking. Do you think he ever did that for me? Ever once stepped outside of what he wanted to be there for me? I don’t think I have to even answer that one for you…
I think about his children…how they came dangerously close to having the same distanced relationship with their father that I grew up with. I think about his wife, coping to raise her children without any help whatsoever the way my mother did. And that is something I will live with forever. But still I work with him everyday, and although the affair is long over…yes, the hold he once had on me surfaces from time to time. But I realize that’s just old emotions taking over, and I get out of there…go for a walk, work from home…whatever I have to do to until I can realize I’m being stupid again. Because for him, it is still the same game of ego stroking. What can he do to exert power over me again, to piss me off, get a reaction out of me, to possess something he cannot have? As my superior, he can do as he damn well pleases, which makes life none too pleasant right now. And of course, it is only me looking for a new job, even after he promised me he would look as well. See…that’s the ego of it. The pursuer feels “entitled” to something, and they will continue to pursue until a point when the risk outweighs the benefit. But be prepared – the pursuit of the ego stroke does not end. That’s why you have to get out of an environment like that. Don’t delude yourself in thinking you can stay at your job, or continue to know someone you’ve had an affair with, even if it is outside of work. It is not fair – it is usually the pursued that pays more of the price than the pursuant. Or worse – it is the pursuer’s family, the innocent victims in all of this, who find themselves suddenly without a husband or father when the wife finds out.
I take responsibility for what I did. I have never been one to be easy on myself in general, and I beat myself up constantly. I do not like the person I have become through all this, but I am working to change. That is why I am trying to get out of that environment – it is the right thing to do for his family, because even though the affair has ended, he will never stop pursuing me because of the ego thing. Is he taking responsibility? No…he expects that life will carry on without his having to address the consequences of his actions, since no one knows anything at this point. No harm, no foul I guess. I am not the kind of person to tell his wife, his boss, or anyone else…because I wronged his children once, and I am not going to do it again. I hate him for lying to me…because the story in the beginning was all about how unhappy he was at home, yet by the end, he magically loved his wife again and would never do anything to hurt his children. He played a game, and he played it well. Me? I was just stupid to believe him.
But if you’ve been in a similar situation, don’t dwell too much on what you’ve done. Realize you made a mistake, and promise to learn from that mistake. Realize you have rights here – the right to be happy, respected, and able to work in an environment that is not uncomfortable on a daily basis. Find another job, cut all communication with you ex-lover and move on. To take any other course is just continuing to play a game you will never win. And don’t be deceived when the situation suddenly changes. If he was aloof and unkind right after the affair, I guarantee, the “sensitive,” “loving” side of him will resurface as soon as his ego is ready for another meal.
Good luck to anyone who has to go through this. It’s very easy to say affairs are wrong and you should not get into that situation, but the majority of married people in this world are affected by affairs. It is not uncommon, and it is stupid, and no one involved in an affair is every thinking clearly. If I could go back and not do this, would I? Yes. But the lesson I would not have learned is that people will say a lot of things to get what they want, and you need a pretty thick screen to weed through all the B.S. Not only do I not want to ever fall victim to that kind of B.S. again – I certainly don’t want to be someone that ever puts it upon someone else. You think more clearly after a mistake this big, at least you will if you take the time to learn from it.
October 27th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
Get a backbone and some class!!!!
October 28th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Kristen…dont know who your comment was directed to but if its to me the original person who wrote this then thank you for your kind and heartfelt thoughts. I have a ton of class and a pretty tough backbone but what I dont have is any respect for someone who comes on this site and takes the time to read my story and then leaves a rude comment like yours. Look at yourself and see that it is YOU that has no class and please go away. Thank you and have a wonderful day!!!!
November 8th, 2008 at 10:48 am
First off, I thank all of you for your postings. I too have made the decision to have an affair and the pain it caused and is still causing is beyond words. I am married with 2 kids and my husband had emotionally disconnected with me. No sex, no love, no communication. I kept hoping things would change. I prayed, I sought counseling and finally I gave up. About that time an ex boyfriend contacted me and we began talking by phone. He is married and lives in another state. Within the first 3 months of us talking, I knew I was in trouble. I couldn’t wait for him to call and I was staying up late at night so we could talk. Thus began our emotional affair. This lasted for almost a year and then my family moved to the state where he lived. Within a month after arriving our affair become sexual and has continued. I finally confessed to my husband and he forgave me but I have not ceased contact with this man. It’s like an addiction. I go through a cycle and then one of us breaks down and emails or calls. I am weak. I know this. And I’m selfish. I know that we can never be together. We love our children too much to put them through a divorce. I’ve never told anyone else about the affair…….I think I just needed to vent. I know that I’ve made morally wrong decisions and I’ve hurt my husband and his wife. For that I’m truly sorry. I’ve always thought I was a person of character and integrity but after this situation, I know that is not the case. I realize that integrity means doing the right thing even when you don’t want to…….when every fiber of yourself screams to be satisfied…….you muster all your courage and say no. How I wish I had said no. Well, thank you for allowing me to utilize this forum to express my heart. I wish all of you the best and I appreciate you sharing your journeys.
November 8th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Yannie…so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am curious though…did you feel you were in love with this man you had the affair with? Having been in that situation myself, I think sometimes affairs are not quite as torrid as they’re made out to be. I loved mine…and he the same. But we could not leave our respective families, and thus ended it. He was not actually my boss, but rather my boss’ boss, which is even scarier situation in some ways. We both still work together, but the thing is…who says we can’t love each other? We just can’t you know…”act” on it. But sometimes your emotional connection to someone is so strong it never goes away, and I don’t necessarily think making the right decision (even if you make it later on in the saga) means it has to be all or nothing. The thing that starts affairs is an emotional connection, not a sexual one. It’s just that the latter goes along so darn well with the former! LOL. But maybe if you compromise and say, “do I love this guy? YES” and stay friends on a platonic level, it’s better than adopting a policy of hatred or giving up someone who does fulfil an emotional need in you? Don’t know, I’ve thought quite a lot of this lately, and wondered…if a spouse had a choice to grant you EMOTIONAL freedom with another man, provided you forsake SEXUAL freedom…is that then acceptable.
Guess there are no hard answers here, but I feel for what you’re going through, and I hope things get better soon.
November 11th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Leah, Thank you for sharing your situation. Yes, we both love each other. We loved each other 17 years ago when we first dated. That love has only grown and deepened especially after a year of only being able to connect by phone or computer. You are so right, the connection is emotional and our connection emotionally is beyond any I’ve ever had……male or female. I think that is what I long for and miss the most…….and you’re right the latter does go SOOOO very well with the former. We have tried the platonic thing and it hasn’t worked but truth is…..maybe we didn’t try hard enough. We so easily found ourselves brushing hands and reaching out for that familiar and then we’d find our selves back in the same situation. I can only hope my heart heals and I’m able to find peace with what is before me. What is your situation now with this man and your life? I know you mentioned that you still work together……how do you do that? I don’t have any answers!! I guess this is just the way things are for now. Thanks again for responding. Yannie
November 25th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
Yannie, yes I agree…it’s the emotional piece that makes it hard. But platonic actually can be hard too…especially if you still work together. There are good days and there are bad days. On the good days, you feel like there is something between the two of you that no one else in the world understands. On the bad days, you curse him for being the most selfish bastard you’ve ever met. It’s impossible some days not to fight, and impossible on other days not to love. I guess that’s true of any relationship, but there are hurt feelings underlying every move in an affair, and no escaping it…makes it that much harder.
I think there’s nothing here that’s any different than anything else that hurts…on the good days, you try to remember all the things in your life to be grateful for, and on the bad days, you try to breathe and remember that it’s just one day…one day to get through until tomorrow, and maybe that’s one of the good ones again.
I hope you are having more good days than bad and starting to heal old wounds. Stay strong…this is tough stuff, but you’ll come through it just fine!
January 7th, 2009 at 1:33 am
I ended up telling her via email yesterday. I couldn’t help it - it was dwelling on my mind for months and months. I outlined everything in as nice and honest a way as possible (hard to do) and I apologized. I let her know that so many other people she knows knew, and she should probably too.
She responded saying:
Thank You for telling me.
Don’t talk to me again.
It’s over.
I don’t know what she meant by the last line….
But I did it. I don’t know if it was right or wrong, but I did it.
I’m thinking of writing a book…
January 8th, 2009 at 11:51 am
Jennie, I can’t believe you told her. While a load is off your back, you have just turned the wife’s life upside down, leaving her to question everything she knows, from her husband to her friends. I truly do hope that you did the right thing, for her sake.
To Emma, I am so there with you. Your words echo my reflections of my own story.
To “Feeling Crappy”, Yannie and Leah, I would like to say my story is unique and that relationships like this can be good. It is unique from other stories I have read, but the ending is the same.
I met my boss 7 years ago when I came in to interview for my job. Literally the moment I saw him, something happened inside of me. I have never felt anything like it and to this day can’t describe it. It wasn’t love or lust, not anything emotional. It was an odd déjà vu. If I believed in past lives, we had had one.
For two years we were only friends. But it was our clients, his friends and our co-workers who validated my admiration of him and my later romantic attraction to him. He was a man of extraordinary kindnesses. We had all witnessed it. It was genuine. And it all stemmed from his own poor self-image resulting from facial injuries, the result of an auto accident in his teens. Yes, the damage was visible. But his self-deprecating humor made it all encompassing. The self-loathing endeared him to everyone.
At work, I and the staff were all too aware of how strange his marriage was. After 14 years of marriage, he had two children. But he and his wife vacationed separately. They had holidays separately. He held down the office 50 hours a week and still often played Mr. Mom as his wife was taking care of her own life. It was too easy to see the frailty of their relationship.
Over drinks one night, we crossed the line. It propelled at lightning speed after that. We talked life stories. We cried, we laughed. We quickly became inseparable. We phrased ourselves as soul mates. Then we began to talk of marriage.
But we had one very unique factor. He wanted to be a part of my social circle. And he quickly was adopted in. My friends knew he was married. Still, they all fell in love with him. He met my brother, who also knew of his marriage. Collectively we all thought it very strange, but it also somehow validated that for once this might be an affair that actually turns to marriage. Together we found our dream home. I purchased it and he quickly became my part time live-in. My neighbors knew him. He truly was living a dual existence.
We set a 5 year mark for marriage. In 5 years his children would go off to private school and the divorce could begin. It sickens me that I even was a part of this scheme. It sounded cruel then, that a wife would hang on for 5 useless years while her husband waits to start his future. The weight of the guilt and shame I carried ate away at me and I broke it off countless times. We tried so hard to end it. But each time in a matter of weeks, he would break down and we would rekindle.
In year 4, I began to realize that nothing was changing and I wanted out. I asked him where we stood. Excuses and delays began to add up. It is now year 5 and I sit ashamed and embarrassed. It was not his wife, but I that hung on for 5 years waiting to start my life.
What did we really have? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I am now the stereotypical victim of an affair with a married man. I have the strength to rebuild my life. But when your boss is your ex, what do you do? I know the answer to that. And with that I have lost my life, my love and my career.
My resentment toward him builds every day. It has towered over any love I had and permanently destroyed any memory of the better times that we had together. Day after tomorrow I will break up with him for the final time. I have to accept that his misery cannot be the chain around my neck that holds us together. And if I’m strong enough to do this for us, I should expect the same of him. Had we broken up some time before this, we might could have salvaged a more respectable love somewhere down the road after his divorce had actually materialized. I’m too bitter now.
See, the truth is, his life continued to move on. No matter how unreal his façade of a family, he still has a wife, children and a legacy to build on. I have only myself…oh yes, and every single person close to me who became a spectator to it and who will never, I pray, say to my face just how stupid I have been.
January 17th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Hey, Souldier. I am so sorry to hear about your experience with this. I check this site often waiting to see if there is a story that so closely resembles my own - but it’s no comfort to me that yours did, because I hate that someone else might be struggling with this the way I am.
Please feel free to email me if you want to chat or share advice. My biggest issue is it’s not exactly the best time to go looking for jobs, so leaving isn’t a good option. Yet every day, you have to work with this person…it’s like living together after a divorce or something. I know how difficult it can be to cope with a situation like this, and how hard it can be to find someone who understands. You’re not alone, and you’re not stupid…you just let yourself fall in love, and if you are anything like me, you could not help it.
Emmy
emmy12345@ymail.com
January 31st, 2009 at 8:22 am
For Feeling Crappy–are you sure you are in Orange County and not someplace in Upstate NY? I would tell the wife. Send her a letter or a card if you can’t face her, but tell her. This stuff always comes out sooner or later, and women do not fall apart permanently when they hear this type of news. If it were me, I would be sad, of course, but I would rather know the truth so that I could make a decision to stay or go based on the truth of the situation, not a lie that a man (and not a very nice one) made me believe.
I would always want to know, and I would always see this as an issue I needed to take up with my husband, not some young girl who doesn’t really owe me anything. And if she yells at you, so what, you can take it. It’s the right thing to do.
You did a bad thing, sure, but you could give this woman a wonderful gift–the truth. Of course there are kids involved, but there are larger issues here. How will she feel if she spends 10 more years with him and then finds out that her life has been a lie? What if this man gives her an incurable STD? True, you are not responsible for his actions, but I think you will feel better if you make some sort of move toward making amends with your own conscience.
Also, you are young, and some day you will be a wife as well. Ask yourself this: Would I want to know the truth, even if it made me sad? I’m guessing the answer is yes, and that you know you should tell her. I’ll bet she even thanks you for it somewhere down the line. I know I would.
February 5th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
MARIE,
Thank you for your kind words and your honesty. I am positive I am in Orange County California but I would love to go to New York. Been there once and it was fantastic! Anyways I would love to tell her and I am sure I will someday to be honest I am sure she already knows. I thought about what you said and your right. One day I hope and pray to be someones wife and I would want to know. Thank you again and have a blessed day!!
February 16th, 2009 at 4:34 am
I have read all of the above letters. I need so much help.
I do not believe in my heart that what I had was an affarir.
My partner did decide to leave his wife, after 34 years of marriage. His children are grown and married. He told me he was very unhappy in his marriage for many years, and would have found the strength to get out eventually.
but in the meantime, he met me. we connected emotionally at first, which then grew into love and a physcial relationhip. Out of guilt and confusion (while still knowing he loved me), he went back to his wife and even considered marraiage counselling. Each time he felt so unhappy, almost to the point of a breakdown, and returned to me. Finally after realizing that he wanted to be with me, he got his own apartment. we were very happy together. We had one more episode of his confusion while together and he decided to again consider marriage counselling, as well as his own counselling. But both him and his wife decided not to pursue this. again he got himself together again, or so he though. again we continued to have a happy and loving relatioship. Of course through it all, there were always issues of his daugther accepting me and the situation, as well as other issues. I still have teenagers at home. We decided that we loved eachother enough to work through them together. Now a year and a half later, he feels he cannot see me, for reglious reasons. That he has sinned, and is now afraid to stand before God. I wonder why he did not have this issue while making love to me, while he was still living with his wife? Why now when we have been together and his wife has moved on. This relatioship was not hidden. All of our faimly and friends know we are together and we were making a life together. He says he still loves me very much, and I still love him also, but I feel that I have been lied to, and that our relationship has now been made to feel dirty. He is very fearful of the future, with certain issues that in the past we said we would work through. Why is giving up now? There can be no future if one of us continues to hold back, and destroys what we both know we have. I never wanted to be in this situation. I have my morals and beliefs too. Not all affairs turn ot to be just affairs. We both know of people who have gone through the same thing, and are very happy together, some married for years. I am not a whore, not a bad person. I really do feel that I found my soul mate, and stood by his side while he went through all of his emotions. Why does society judge so much? Is there not the possibility that 2 people deserve to find eachother and make a life for themselves. Must we always put everyone else’s happiness before our own? I am at the point where I should let go, not because I want to, but because I can no longer hurt like this anymore. There was a time when I thought this relationship was worth fighting for. By the way, he says he does not love his wife the way he should. He questions whether or not he is just missig the comfort zone he once had. The non-existant life he had with her before, with no complications. Is he just being a coward, to afraid to let go of the past and move forward? Is he so confused that he will let go of our relationship in order to get piece of mind. Does he think by not seeing me, the damage will be undone. That will never happen. Or does he not love me enough to work this out? He is presently seeking help with his feelings. Do we have a chance, and can I ever forgive the hurt he has caused me so far?
February 16th, 2009 at 4:40 am
there was a very important typo.
i do not feel this was just an affair.
March 6th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I feel so awful. I’ve been totally replaced by another woman in the office. One I have to see everyday, one who has always talked about me and been mean to me. He knows how much this hurts me and is doing it anyway. Someone who has been after him for years. He told me I am nothing to him anymore, she feels like family to him, they are connected, he really likes her and he won’t do anything to upset her. It is, of course, okay to hurt me because I am nothing to him. It’s always acceptable to hurt me. He told me he spoke to his wife about it and it’s okay with her and that’s all he cares about. Of course, he did not tell her the truth about this woman and there previous encounter. She is now a part of his personal life and it is taring me to pieces.
March 13th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Nicole - so you were the other woman to this man? PLEASE know he is not worth the heart-ache and that you are WAY better than this situation. Is it possible to get another job? Your work environment sounds so poisonous, these aren’t the kind of people you need in your life right now. I don’t know you, but am positive you have a lot to offer the world, and being emotionally tied up in this isn’t healthy. You aren’t able to grow as a person, it’s gonna hold you back. I was the other woman, and when my guy couldn’t live up to the promises he made me, I just left. I told the people who were close to me why, and I moved away and got a job with cool people where I was free to be my self. I understand feeling torn to pieces over a situation like this, and I’m so sorry. It really sucks. But know you CAN get better, but only you can change the path your life takes. My suggestion is moving on to somewhere else, it might be super super scary, but it also could be the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. Love yourself. That’s a lesson I’m still trying to learn. And know that God loves you, and wants to see you be a whole person who is alive and truly happy.
March 14th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Girls, here what I learned this week…it’s blunt, but you’ll be better off hearing it.
1. He didn’t love you - he was a waste of time, no matter what you believed.
2. His ego is not worth any more of your attention - his issues aren’t your problem…not anymore.
3. You are not stupid, you were lied to - better to be stupid with a big heart than smart with a small one.
4. You’re amazing - start believing it for yourself and get on with your life…someone out there is ready to worship you, not try to extract every last drop of life out of you.
And for a certain person out there who loves REO Speedwagon, meditation and most of all, himself - thanks for finally showing me who you really are. It took me a long time to believe the worst in you, but that’s by far the best thing you ever did for me. The fact that your ego is making you come back to this site to check for updates and that you probably will read this? Well, that just proves it all the more…
March 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I do not believe what I am reading…. Thank you to ladies!!!
My story is so simillar, now I know I am not crazy and there are others out there experiencing the same pain I am.
I am a married women of 5 years. Two years ago I developed anxiety and my focus then developed into a “me” focus instead of an “us” focus. When this happened to me (anxiety) my husband DID NOT understand and managed to say and do ALL the wrong things. No one ever told me when I got married, that 1 person can NOT give another person everything one needs. Had I know this, I wouldn’t have placed such high expectations on my marriage. My husband did the best he could understand, unfortunately that wasn’t enough for me and my expectations. We grew apart that year, which leads me up to the last year of my life where I have been left feeling torn and unveiled.
Last January I walked into a co-workers office whom I had never met. We needed brief work related business. Instantly I was smittened but throughout our conversation discovered we had a lot in common like BOTH were married, no children, dogs, etc… He suggested the 4 of us be friends… I called him a few times to meet up at the park, with his wife, but he ALWAYS seemed too busy. I left it alone but if I was ever over near his office, would pop in to say “hi”. Months went by and all of a sudden got an email from him. He said something about a photo he saw and asked if it was me? I said no, but she better be “hot”… One thing lead to another and our emails became incredibily hot, steamy and sexual. I loved it and longed for a simple email. We were going to meet, he got “busy”… Weeks went by, he broke it off. I was hurt and pissed at the same time. I loved how the situation made me feel…. I forgot about it and moved on. Only a few months later, it started again… We emailed, were gonna meet, he got “busy”. Fine, got over it, but now my husband saw an email… I went thru hell… convinced my hubby NOT to call his wife etc….. I told the guy at work, somehow it started again and then he broke it off…. I felt torn and left dealing with my husband.
You would think i would have learned. And for all of you out there saying this could not happen to me, i’m strong and avoid these situations…. I SAID THE SAME THING!!!!!!!! same thing. You can never know what someone is going through unless you walk in their shoes. TRUST me: I was that girl, who said “how could someone cheat”…. Hindsights a bitch.
We continued one more time before this last time. Simple email nothing more. I just had a sexual, forbidden connection- that’s all…. he broke this off and I was soooo hurt. Why? I have no idea. The new year start. 2009 was suppose to be “my year” = 30th birthday, etc…
I saw him repeatedly. This NEVER happens. We work in seperate blgds…. OUr eyes connect. We cont to see each other in passing only. Our eyes continue to connect.. I see him in the halls. Finally, I can’t take it anymore and have to speak: I say he better be careful b/c I may attack him- jokingly of course. But then it’s back to “I’ve Got Mail”…. He says, I can’t deny this any longer… I need you!!!! My heart drops and I’m instantly weak.
We create special email accounts, talk, chat and kiss in the hallways like teenagers… it is finally going to happen. But then, like a child that has been given a bike and not aloud to ride it, he breaks it off… Says, he wasn’t going to do that this time. We were suppose to meet, and everytime it got close… he backed away. I became volatile and unstable. Threatened him until he realized he was blaming me for misunderstanding an email and then had him in my hands. The next day, I applogized, told him my intentions (that I was never going to tell his wife) I was simply acting on emotional distraught and that was it… It was over. However, I am a mess. In therapy and can even look at my husband. I’m a heart broken married women??? this doesn’t make sense. I’ve tried to contact my guy so he would talk to me, but he WON’T… So now i know he is stronger… I’m hurt by his strength. Am I that weak? Appartently. I am torn, unveiled and simply hurting more deeply than ever. I know some of you out there can relate. Ladies, I need strength. I need God. I need my marriage to work. I need to get to the root of these awful feelings. But why in my heart of hearts do I feel like I need the very guy who I allowed to step all over me, put his arms around me and tell me I will be okay… That we dodged a bullet and that this end was necessary? Why do I want him to pull me back up???? Yes, I want him to take some type of responsibility for how I am feeling? It’s not logical. I know this: I CAN NOT HELP THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW BUT I CAN CONTROL THE WAY I THINK AND ACT.
March 29th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
It’s wonderful to have such validation and confirmation that our stories are not uncommon. And they’re not! It seems everyone has a story like this to share with me, of late. Thanks for having the courage to start this blog.
I have just been fired because my boss, once best friend, and once seemingly devoted lover couldn’t be professional enough to say that maybe we were better as friends, because he really never intended to leave his marriage. I was working in a good job, and he offered me a huge pay rise and convinced me to quit and transfer to his office so that we could have more time together, behind closed doors. The dream job turned into my worst nightmare after just 6 months, and Im’ kicking myself for all of it, even though it’s at least equally his fault.
For 3 months I hung on at work, transferred to a different department. I’m fortunate that I didn’t see him, but word travelled fast, and I felt as though I were walking about with a scarlet letter on my blouse. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it, and that made the questions all the more unbearable. I know that I couldn’t have endured that work environment any longer, but I’ll never accept that he’s done me a favour by pushing me out: I lost my job and a career that I worked hard to build. In my line of work, I’ll have to start at the bottom somewhere else, and in the midst of a recession. But do I regret it? The affair? The pleasure, the pain, and the loss?
I don’t know. Life is a learning process. The wounds make us wiser and better. In my present pain, I know that I can’t see how this situation is of benefit to me. I miss my friend. I miss my lover — the long, deep kisses that lingered for days. I don’t miss the insecurity and the lies. But what I need to realise is that the man I thought existed was a figment of my imagination….the persona he wanted to present, in order to get laid. He was everything, and nothing. Sure, he told me the things that I’m sure all of you have heard: his wife neglected him; didn’t fulfil him; was a boring lover; wasn’t his soul mate: I believe none of it. I agree the ego is stroked by seducing us, and the sad thing is that none of us are whores: we’re women who listened with a compassionate heart, developed a deep caring for the alleged plight of the seemingly broken man who confided in us and pleaded for our “help”, and eventually we allowed him the gift of our bodies and souls in an effort to comfort and heal him. That we were duped makes it natural for us to feel it’s a trust we should never again extend, but not every man is pond scum; nonetheless, married men — for me — are absolutely out of the question, in future. If such a man wants a relationship with me, then I want to see the writ of divorce, first! No more enabling, no matter the puppy-dog pleading. Most of them don’t want new wives or different wives, let alone divorces: they want the excitement of a fling, and they prey upon women who they know will want to “go away quietly” when it all ends. How sad is that for the woman at home, to whom they lie 24/7? The woman who may be afraid to leave him? The woman who may feel guilty about taking his children from him? How low is her self esteem?
My wonderful Granny lived just 2 months shy of her 103rd birthday. When my family was tragically killed in an accident, she was my strength, at nearly 99 years of age. She’d lost her own son in an accident when he was 30, and her husband just 2 years later: she’d endure plenty of pain. In the aftermath of the accident, Granny said to me, “My dear, you’ve been through more than your share of pain and loss. But when life gives us such pain, we have only two choices: embrace it, grieve it, and become better … or allow it to make us bitter.”
I’m going to strive to be better, as always I have (thank you, Granny). I’m looking to the future — not to the past. It’s over, I’m away from him, and I don’t every want to see him or hear from him again. I shall heal the wound, but the scar shall remain forever. I hope each of you arrives at that same peace of mind and heart … and that in time, the message within these sagas shall make you more compassionate, wonderful listeners for those who suffer the same plight, and who really need to forgive themselves and believe in themselves again.
Be strong. Believe in yourself. Know that you are not evil, and that you are wonderful women with big hearts and kind souls. And yes: the right man shall appear eventually, and all of this shall fade or vanish, just as seemingly as did that mythical man you thought you knew, yet who was not at all who he seemed to be.
April 4th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Be Strong and make sure not to do the same mistake again , Be a woman of intergrity and be respectfull to yourself GOD WILL SURE FORGIVE YOU : IM NOT JUDGING YOU I UNDERSTAND FULLY
April 5th, 2009 at 4:59 am
Kate, you are amazing. I think your description was very eloquent. And I know what you are dealing with on the work front…I’m still dealing with that piece, and I’m sure he’s told all his little power-lunch friends. But at least if they know they aren’t letting on. But I am not going away quietly, I worked too hard to get where I am.
I feel sorry for the wives…sad that the mistress can see who these men truly are after only a few months, yet the wives spend years being duped…believing they are married to men made of honor and sincerity. So I feel pretty greatful to have gotten “out”…at least I can move on and find a good one, but she’s stuck with him for life (or until she finds hotel charges on the old Mastercard statement anyway). Hang in there girls, it gets easier…when you first realize what an asshole you fell for, it’s a rough go for a while. But eventually you understand that you are a better person that said asshole…at least you let yourself feel something for someone else and believe the best in people. That’s why you’ll end up happy someday, and these jerks will just continue on making others miserable. They’ll never know what it means to love another person….only themselves.
April 28th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Emmy…you are awesome. I am going through a similar yet unique situation at work. I am 24 years old. One year ago, one of my superiors (55 years old) invited me to a Yankee game. No big deal, he invites everyone at work to Yankees games. We became friends, he started taking me out in NYC on the weekends, very innocent. This was very exciting for me because I have never “dated” or have been taken out (only one 15 month relationship back in college). Anyway, eventually he confided in me that after 32 years of marriage, his wife is leaving him. He is torn and doesn’t want this at all. Tells me he wants them to go to counseling, and is willing to try anything to save his marriage with his manic-depressive wife. (Even though he’s hanging out with me every weekend instead of staying home with her).
I truly felt bad for him, and tried giving him advice on how to win his wife’s heart over again. She wants no part of him whatsoever. Eventually our relationship turns physical. I am a conservative Christian girl who has only had sex with 1 person in my life (college boyfriend) and repeatedly told him that we can’t have a physical relationship. Nonetheless, that’s what it ended up being. Anyway, part of the separation agreement was that his wife gets the house, so he got his own apartment in February. I’ve been sleeping over almost every weekend. His wife and grown kids don’t know about me.
Yet he still puts her before me. Whenever she calls, (mostly to bitch about something he did wrong) he picks up his phone and talks to her so nicely as if I’m not sitting right next to him. I explained to him how I hate how he does this, but he doesn’t get it. He even called her “dear” while I was sitting right next to him, and when I called him out on it all he had to say was “sorry, it’s a hard habit to break.” He knows that I try to be religious, but our sexual attraction to each other is mutual and we continue to be intimate. I will give him credit though–when I first told him we can “only be friends” he did make an honest attempt and it was ME who wanted sex.
Anyway, we have been together for a year, he is separated and moved out, yet still treats me like his secret mystery mistress. I have met his landlord about 50 times and my “boyfriend” still has not introduced me to him or even told him my name. The other day he asked if I wanted to take a car ride with him to his cleaner’s in his old town, and then told me I couldn’t come because his wife might just happen to see him driving in the car with me. He had to pick up his Yankee stuff at his wife’s house last week on our way to a game and dropped me off at Starbuck’s for 15 mins because he didn’t want her to see me. I am sick of being treated as a second class citizen and feel like he doesn’t take our relationship seriously. I know he is 31 years older than me, but when he is not trying to hide our relationship, he tells me how much he loves me, how he wants to take me away, how we should buy a house together, bla bla bla. I told him for the final time yesterday that I feel like I’m going to Hell for lying to my parents and technically commiting adultery and that we can’t see each other anymore. He understands and is being supportive of my decision. I am fresh out of college and have my dream job. I can’t imagine his understanding and compassion towards me and my convictions will last forever, and am scared that he is going to turn mean and bitter (based on all these blogs I’m reading!) I really do want to get on with my life, I keep telling myself that I’m an idiot because I really am a beautiful girl with so much potential and that I should just forget about this old guy.
I would like to be friends with him but I know that if we remain “friends” that we will slip into our old habits and I will continue sleeping with him. But the other half of me thinks of all the times he disrespects me by answering his wife’s calls with “Hey! I was just gonna call you!” RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. I don’t deserve this. Can someone please offer some advice. I feel terrible for violating my promises to God and really want to be a good Christian. I know I should never talk to him again but we will be working together for the next 10 years. A part of me also feels bad for him that his wife of 32 years is dumping him (seemingly out of nowhere–she started having mental/emotional problems about 2 years ago and blames him apparently for no reason). I believe everything he says because his daughters (who don’t know about me) are on his side and want nothing to do with their mother. ANYWAY I know it’s only been a day but I’M GOING CRAZY!!!! He’s been a huge part of my life for the past year and despite him putting his wife before me sometimes he treats me pretty good and we have many good memories together…is it possible for us tol be “just friends”??
May 17th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Hey, Jo. I guess whether you can be friends depends on how much you love him. And that’s probably not something you can really answer right now because I’m sure this is very emotionally overwhelming. But it does get better…and you get clearer, and the answers don’t seem so hard to find.
My blogs on this site probably well represent the emotional peaks and valleys I’ve gone through with my deal…I mean, man…when I read what I wrote in October…ouch. That was a mad cycle! I tried hating him for a very long time, but it doesn’t work. I really didn’t get any kind of clarity on all this until about 3 weeks ago…why then, I’m not sure…maybe it’s just that time really does heal all wounds.
The truth is, I love him very much, and I know he never really tried to hurt me. It doesn’t mean he always had my best interests at heart, or thought things through sufficiently, but it’s hard to be selfless when you’re unhappy, and that’s probably what your guy is going through too. I’ve forgiven mine…there really wasn’t anything to forgive, because I have had my fair share of moments where I was cruel too…and it was always out of hurt, but that doesn’t make it right. Still, it’s a little more understandable, I think…
I’d say separate yourself a bit, and just find other things to occupy your time with. That worked for me…I stopped drinking and smoking, got my fat ass (LOL) back to the gym, spent more time reading, writing, being with the people who truly matter to me. And when I needed space at work, I asked for it. But the thing that really did it for me after making all those changes was completely letting it all cave in. I stopped filtering out the hard emotions and just fell apart, quite frankly. I died, I really did…I mean, I won’t ever be the same person I was a month ago. I cried every day for two weeks, I let myself truly grieve for what I with 100% certainty believe is the loss of the love of my life, I let myself feel completely pathetic and weak and under nurtured and hopeless. And then when I couldn’t cry anymore, I found I wasn’t angry anymore either.
I understand what he is giving up to stay in his situation, and it’s not just me…it’s his own happiness. And he’s doing it so that when his girls grow up and find the loves of their lives, they will be able to be with them forever because they had a stable home life growing up and will not have settled because they were trying to fill some kind of void. That’s getting way too psych there, but it’s true. And honestly…I wouldn’t feel very good about myself it I wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifice, because I’ve spent 30 years trying to fill a void myself, one that probably opened up about the time my own family was torn apart by affairs. Funny the way things work out, huh? Anyway, it’s not always easy to admit you’re weak, that you’re not living the life you’re supposed to, and then even harder to go about fixing it…so better not to have the void created at all, right?
In your situation, the worst part is that the family structure is already broken. I just think it would be tough for your guy to commit himself to your relationship without having time on his own once this all passes. I always swore if mine were to get divorced, I wouldn’t see him for at least a year after. I would want him to be with other women, figure out who he really is, and be comfortable with that at last because I think that’s the only way any relationship ever really works. It’s easier to not have to face it when you have someone else to lean on. So this guy is dealing with a very long relationship ending, and he’s more than likely going to change dramatically as a result. I mean, I don’t see how you could go through that and not undergo some pretty fundamental changes. I’ve got to imagine that would be quite scary…think about your 15-month relationship when it ended…didn’t it seem so strange to be without that person after all that time? Imagine how much harder after 32 years…I’m sure this isn’t easy for him, and although he cares about you, he has a lot of work he needs to do for himself right now. He’d be doing you a disservice to start a relationship now, really, because again, you can’t be really good for someone else until you’re good for yourself.
So I hate to say it, but I think you have the right attitude. You are young, obviously very intelligent, and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders from what you’ve said here. I don’t think you have to make any decisions right now…just take some space, give yourself time, and after he’s had time to adjust and you see how he changes from all this, then you’ll have your answer. It’ll come to you, you don’t need to go looking for it. Believe me…it’s taken me 10 months to deal with the fallout, but in strange and mysterious ways, this pain has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I know there is so much ahead, and the nice thing is…nothing seems scary anymore. Hit bottom, it makes you so much more optimistic.
Good luck, Jo. I really see good things ahead for a smart girl like you. Just remember not to give up too much of yourself for him…if you need space take it, and ask him to respect it. If he cares about you, he will do that.
Em
May 25th, 2009 at 12:41 am
Dear Jo,
What Emmy shares here is “the real deal”: you cannot return to the platonic with him — not until you’ve been away from him for a long time, which may possibly translate into years; by then, you may not want to share even a friendship with him.
We talk about feeling and filling voids: is it not plausible that we reach sometimes a point where we manufacture our own “fill” for those voids, perhaps out of desperation or impatience? That line spoken by Hugh Jackman’s character in the film “Kate and Leopold” resonates in my head: “Some feel that to court a woman in one’s employ is nothing more than a serpentine effort to transform a lady into a whore.” My boss took advantage of my heartfelt hopes by playing to the role of “the man I needed in my life” for nearly 2 years: he lied about his feelings for his wife in order to start a relationship with me, and then he built upon that foundation to lure me away from a better job in order to work with him and spend more time with him; afterwards, he claimed that yet he loved his wife and threw me upon a sword of his own making in order to save his own skin. Such conduct would be impossible for the sort of man I needed in my life, but therein lies the answer: he was incapable of being the sort of man I needed in my life. It’s important to be open to the possibility of this latter phrase when your intuition is speaking to you.
I truly believe those of us who fall for such men have low self-esteem issues. A mutual friend of my boss’s wife and mine told me, “no matter what he does to her — or how many times he cheats — she’ll never leave him, because she loves him”. Isn’t that sad on many levels? He’s married to a woman whose self esteem is so low that he’ll be able to go on abusing her emotionally for the rest of her life, because he knows she’ll never leave him. All the more sad is the fact that she believes that allowing herself to be abused in this way is “love”. How sad is that? And reflecting upon this statement, imagine how closely I may have come to inheriting her pain? What was all of this telling me about my own self esteem???
“Hey! I was just gonna call you!” You shared that snippet for a reason; of course, you shared also that he treats you like a mistress, despite his marital separation. By your own words, I think your intuition has given you the answer you seek already, but it’s an answer you’re resisting: you love the man you need him to be in your life, not the man he is capable truly of being. Find a counsellor (some companies have Employee Assistance Programs that provide this sort of thing free of charge), and really talk it through: don’t try to go it alone. If I had not gone to a counsellor to help me navigate through all of it, I know I would have continued to embrace men who would emotionally abuse me, and eventually I would have ended up dead inside, just like my boss’s wife.
As you heal and grow stronger and clearer, focus on becoming better, wiser, and stronger. Each time life’s wounds cut us down, green shoots begin to spring from the stump shortly thereafter. And remember always, not all men are broken, especially those who are not bogged down in marriages that — despite all they tell you to the contrary — they don’t want truly to end.
All good wishes.
August 28th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Hello. I’m glad I found this site. It’s given me a little comfort, although I probably don’t deserve it. I had an affair with my married boss, I initiated the affair. It only lasted about 3 months. It ended badly. It’s a long story, one which I’m not ready to go into here at this point. What amazes me in these stories is how it seems the boss/man is never hurting at the end. Are men just built differently? Or is it that THESE men in particular (men that have affairs) are different. My friends don’t understand why I blame myself for how things ended (i became needy, he pulled away, I became more needy, he pulled away even more. which is funny because in the beginning he was the needy one and I was the wary one). What hurt the most was in the end I discovered he was having an affair with someone else (someone from his past). He denied it. I’m not sure if it was happening during our time together although I suspect it was. It makes me so angry and yet I want to believe he is a good person. My friends are so disgusted by him and don’t understand how I can still care for this person. I know hard to believe, but if you knew the whole story you might understand. He is a good father and a hard worker. Before the affair I had worked for him for about 3 years and always admired and respected him for these things. I want to be his friend now because I’m holding onto to this thought of him being a good person. I forgive him because I tell myself if I were in his shoes I’d probably be a selfish bastard too. But the continued contact with him, although now brief and intermittent, is killing me. He doesn’t seem to be hurting at all.
August 28th, 2009 at 11:17 am
My husband was abusive for years..i didnt leave thinking it was wrong..he spit on me..told my kids they were going to hell,drank,gambled..i thought he would change andhe did somewhat..he quit drinking for awhile and the physical abuse stopped as a judge told him a year and a day next time he went to court…well i grew close to God ,studied taught the kids..i tried but bitterness and resentment coupled up with lonliness and desire crept up over time and an ex found his way back into my life…he met me at church non the less and asked me for forgivness for the first round with him when we were kids…i resisted the best i could but gave into the longing of him..he was the deepest love connection i ever have known and still is…i left my husband for a year and a half..we both were with someone…i left my ex boyfriend after discovering his addiction to pain managment meds and i did try to get him to stop but he wouldnt and i couldnt live with it..i went home and me and my husband tried to make it work..him more then me..i am no longer attracted to my husband and i long for my lover…i dont know if he feels the same buthe does approach me for intimacy..je is still harsh tongued..no job…sleeping in and showing all the same attributes i couldnt live with the firsdt time..i feel guilty and ashamed i dont want to have sex with him ..we have 4 kids..we are living together hoping to make it for the kids..i dont know if he calls her behind my back but i do contact mine ….i feel guilty yet relieved..i can be without the sex of the ex though i desire him …i miss the gentleness and the connection we had..he wanted to be with me..we were 2 peas in a pod..but he was also a broken man stuggling with addiction and i did the same thing as some of the other posters…leave him for guilt…make love to him and then cry i felt guilty…now i feel God has quit me..i feel i am doomed..i feel life is over for me…i am in such deep despair..if i leave my kids will be heart broken..if i stay i am living a lie..if i leave nad try to have a life with him the guilt will eat me alive..no matter how you turn this there is damage..everyone tells me i had the right to leae and incredibly absive marriage…but i feel God was going to use me and i failed because the decay of emotions and bitterness got me off course…my love died for my husband over 5 years prior but i hung on because i knew it was right…how do we get selfish and want to be happy..then i get mad because why is it called selfish ..my husbnad spit in my face..he slashed my furniture,he broke a few of my vehicle,computers,he stayed out nghts,he gambled our money away etc etc..then why do i feel so disgusting..so dark and forsaken…i know what i did was wrong..i even had a chance to e divorced and didnt go because i felt maybe i was all screwed up in the head..which now i am sure of…but i miss my lover…i talk to him but i know he is still bpound to the thing that made me have to leave…and besides that i fell that i need to live for the kids..but is it really in their best interest the way things are going…would i give my marriage a real chance if i wasnt in love with my lover? I dont know..i dont have a shred of desire for my husband it is as if we are family…not passion desire..he has wounded me in ways i cant describe..even now if i leave he tells me he will pawn my computer,,he wants 500 a month from me as he has no job and i am full time student..i feel God is always right and for some reason i am rejected by him because i am a whore….but to my defense i want love..i just want to love and be loved..and i resent that it is selfish to seek it when someone else quits you then your stuck woth noone?THen you quit them back and you still get to feel like a whore..i feel likei am going to hell..Jesus and i talked ,he answered my prayers..he has always watched over me..yet in this i truly know he has left me here in this confusion and hurt…i didnt want to hurt my family i wanted away from my prison of a marriage..he treated my daughters his step kids(3) like garbage..he let divisionin the house..i resent hiim so much et i see his brokeness and often want to help but i am such a mess icant sleep..i cry all the time.. reach out to my lover but i have broken up with him so often out of fear and guilt his heart is getting cold..i am miserable and alone…sin is a trap and it comes with a high price…
September 4th, 2009 at 8:50 am
WOW reading your story was rather painful “Hurting and Alone!” I can tell by what you’ve wrote you know what is best for you and you also know what you want. You need to take a completely new path…..and make a fresh start. You are not one bit happy where you are…so what have you got to lose. Nothing!! Take your kids and move on, if not for you….for them!
Kate: I love reading your blogs! I can tell by what you write you are a very intelligent person. I too have a story. I will make it short and sweet. I am married, have been for 11 years…..on top of that have been with my husband since high school. About 3 yrs ago things got a little rocky. (no need for details) So we drifted a little…..in that time I began a new friendship, which lead to emotional support for me, which lead to us eventually becomming physical. I have never in my life done such acts as I did with this man. I honestly thought he was amazing. A woman waits all her life to meet the person who makes their heart skip beats, stomach flip flop, hands shake. He did that to me! I honestly thought…”OMG this is fate!”
However shortly….like the next day practically after our 1st physical encounter….he ditches me like dirt! So of course I feel crummy. I felt terribly guilty. Same as all of the above. BUT periodically the gent pops back into my life…..but only for the “friends with benifits” deal. I was gullable, naieve (? spelling) and would go back each time. Time and time again feeling horrible after. Finally it took it’s tole on me. I suffered severe depression, lost an incredible amount of weight, drifted far away from my family, my kids, and contemplated taking my life. Finally he moved away and it broke our contact. THANK GOD!
In short….I am not sure why all of that happened to me and my family. I am still with my husband….who is aware of the affair but not the gents identity. It’s hard for us to move past it….some days I question if I really love him if I did that. Also I still miss the gent that popped into my life, even though I’d never repeat history with him. I miss the flutters, and conversations I suppose. Even though he was just simply using me.
It’s been the toughest few years for me. I have to say I certainly learned a HUGE lesson out of all of this, and I am hoping that maybe that is the reason for it all transpiring. My husband is truly amazing and he shows his love for me, and he is a great Dad. I am lucky to still have him.
As for the gent…..I know in my heart what it was…nothing but pure sex for him and pleasure. It’s just so very hard to move on and let go of things.
September 5th, 2009 at 7:01 am
It’s me again….the last time I posted was April 28th. So to give y’all an update…I continued to date/sleep with my boss up until last week. We were actually doing pretty good…got along nicely, he stopped talking to his wife in front of me, etc. Still treated me like a secret mistress but I somehow convinced myself that I was OK with that. ANYWAY GUESS WHAT I FOUND IN HIS APARTMENT LAST WEEKEND?!?!? A VICTORIA’S SECRET TAG!!!!!!!!!! NOT MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So after being with him for 1 year and 4 months he freaking cheated on me!!!!!!! I am still in shock…I had absolutely no idea it was going on and did not suspect a thing. He denies it (OBVIOUSLY)….His mail still gets delivered to his wife’s house, so he has to go pick it up every weekend. He told me the tag was his wife’s and must have somehow ended up in the bag of mail he picked up from her house. So a Victoria’s Secret tag goes from his wife’s underwear (who is a neat FREAK and vacuums every day) to a mail bag, to one his his dresser drawers. BULL-SH*T. I told him I don’t believe his story and don’t want to talk to him anymore. He acted like a total a$$h0le telling me “how can i not believe him….no one has ever been in his apt besides me….i am so inconsiderate for not trusting him”, etc. etc.
ARGH so upset right now. I feel used, naiive, and stupid. How could I expect him to be a faithful boyfriend after cheating on his wife? I’m guessing it was a one-night-stand because we are together all the time and NOT ONCE did he ever get a phonecall from a woman, and I’ve never found anything in his apt. from someone else (and I have looked through his stuff A LOT and have a key to his apt.), and have never suspected anything. I am not stupid and have trust issues to begin with so it’s not like he could be having another girlfriend without me knowing it. But who has a one-night-stand with someone and brings them to victoria’s secret?? Did she just bring new underwear over and left a tag in his drawer?? I don’t know and I never will. I am NOT giving him the satisfaction of trying to find out. I think the silent treatment is the best revenge.
We’ll see what happens in the coming weeks at work. I am expecting him to be mean. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I want his family to find out about us SO BAD. It is NOT FAIR that he (56 years old) gets to sleep with me (a 24 year old) during his separation, cheat on me, and have his family still think he is a good guy. NOT FAIR AT ALL. I want to make his life miserable. Will it make me feel better? Probably not. But at least he won’t be happy. I need to find inner peace and move on with my life. But bottom line it is not fair that he gets to do whatever he wants with no consequences. Thoughts??
September 7th, 2009 at 11:39 am
My story seems absolutely insane and nothing I ever dreamed would happen in my life. I am 32 years old and a lawyer. I have been working at my firm for 7 years. I began having an affair with one of the partners almost 3 years ago. I always had been attracted to him but never ever thought that I would actually ever have an affair with him.
I have been married for almost 5 years and have known my husband for 10 years. He’s a big drinker and love to go out to the bars all night with his buddies and brothers. Quite honestly, we never really had a romantic moment between us. We basically made out one night when we were drunk in college and although we dated for a long time and eventually got married our relationship never really matured. He couldn’t wait to go out with his friends any time he could Any trips we took always had to be with his family or with his friends and turned into a drinking fest for him and his friends/brothers. He went out of town on fishing trips/bachelor parties/golf trips probably 5-10 times per year. Our wedding night, I couldn’t find him for half the night because he in the bar doing shots while I was dealing with 300 people at our wedding because he has this enormous family and all of these friends that we had to invite. Then a bunch f his drunk friends got into a fight and the police and paramedics came. It was so embarrassing. At the end of our wedding night, we got back up to the hotel room and tried to have sex, but he was too drunk (this was not the first nor the last time that happened). Then, I was starving because I had not eaten all day so we ordered a pizza. So, he left to go “get a bottle of water” from the hotel vending machine. The pizza came an hour later and he still wasn’t back. I had no money so I had to search the hotel with the pizza man to find my new husband who was partying with friends. No call, nothing. So we got into a huge fight and I ended up throwing the pizza in his face once we got back to our room. So, that’s how the marriage started. My therapist thinks it is so symbolic because it basically how the whole marriage worked.
Now, he’s not quite as bad as I paint him to be. He is incredibly loyal and cares a ton about his friends and family. He is super Catholic and has a strong faith in God. He was a great father. But I always felt like I was last on his priority list, even on the day of our own wedding.
I think that I basically came to the conclusion that I just had to deal with his immature behavior because his other qualities were so good, and that was what marriage was about. But I had a void growing inside of me. At first, I made a big effort to spend lots and lots of time with girlfriends, but as all of my girlfiends started getting married, their time was limited. They actually had husbands who spent the majority of their time with them.
So, that’s not to say I started looking for an affair. Like everyone else says, it just happened. The partner is 16 years older than me. I had worked fairly closely with him for 4 years. We always enjoyed each other’s company for drinks after work, with groups of people, but also sometimes just on our own.
So, then my husband was out of town, and we went out for a couple of drinks after work, which ended up being several hours. At the end of the night, he kissed me. Ever since that moment, I told myself it was going to stop. Then two weeks later, I was out on a business trip in California and he flew out to see me. Would my husband have ever done that? No way. That’s when I think I fell in love with him.
So, two and half years later, right after the birth of my second child, I was still involved with him. He was with me through both of my pregnancies. Not only was the attraction so strong, but he spent so much time being there for me emotionally. My husband never cared to listen to me, to really talk to me. We had essentially become business partners. I had tried so many times to break off the relationship with my boss, but every time I ended up going back because he was such a good friend to me. We are so much alike in a lot of ways. We have way more in common and get along a ton better than my husband and me do. The only way I was able to get along with my husband generally was to just keep my mouth shut.
It all came to a head one night when my husband was out with his friends. My boss was over and my husband came home at the most dramatic moment he could. He beat the crap out of my boss. The police came. We immediately separated. Then the paternity of the two children came into question. I honestly did not thjnk that my boss was the father. The timing just did not make sense. But, we had a test taken and both of my children are my boss’s. Obviously, this devastated my husband and also me. He had raised these two kids as his own and they knew him as their father.
I have been separated now for 4 months. The kids have not seen my husband more than a couple of times. My husband called my boss’s wife. My boss told his wife about the kids. They are now going through a divorce. THey have four teenage kids of their own. I am still working with my boss. The job market is terrible and I am now a single mother so I don’t have too much of a choice.
My husband, bless him, has actually made overtures towards possibly working to a reconciliation. Right after this all happened, I was convinced this is what I wanted, but I am not so sure now. How do I turn him down, though, after what I have done to him? How do I tell him he can’t be part of mine and these boys’ lives (who are now 21 months and 6 months)? He has made it fairly clear that he does not want to be part of the boys’ lives without me also in his life. At the same time, I just don’t know if I can be happy with my husband. Things may change a little but not that much. All of his friends know. His family knows. Everyone will look at me and the boys like we are less than what we deserve to be. I am just not sure I can take it. And the hard thing is, I know he won’t support me through it because he thinks (as he should) that I deserve people to think that because I have done a terrible thing. The only way to really get through it is to remove ourselves from his friends and family a bit, but I don’t think HE would be happy doing it. On top of all that, I just don’t have the same feeling of love and happiness and comfort when I am in his arms. But I guess the question is, in spite of all that, should I go through the suffering, the longing for something more because it is the right thing to do? Because it is the right thing to do to try and heal him?
Then there is my boss. He is sweet and kind. He is professionally very successful. But he has had his share of fun while he was married. I am so worried about that. He says he wants to be with me and devoted to me. But I wonder, when we hit a rough spot, will he wander? Of course, he says the same about me. But, there is no way I would ever do this again. The pain is simply not worth it.
I’ll be honest, if we had never gotten caught, I would have never left my husband for him. He says he would have for me but that’s because he’s been in an unhappy marriage for 20 or so years, in which they have sex like 2 times a year. My marriage was not like that, but I guess who knows if it would have become that, given time. But now, everything is out in the open. My therapist says it is an opportunity to figure out what will make me happy.
Almost everyone seems to think there is no way for my husband and me to work. I wonder too. I am just so lost, and I don’t know how to figure out what will be the best thing for me and for my kids. If I go back to my husband, there is really no way they could have a relationship with their real father. Is that right? If I go back to my husband, I will have to quit my job and who knows if I will find another where I love my work, get paid well and also have flexibility to spend time with my kids. Until this affair, on the outside at least, I had this perfect life. I put myself through law school, got a good job at a good law firm. And married into what was a huge, sometimes overwhelming, but also wonderful family. We had a large group of mutual friends from college. We were going to buy a house. I’m up for partner at my law firm next year. Now it is all up in question. No matter what I do, I think I will always wonder.
In so many ways, I do want to be with my boss, get married to him legitimize our relationship and our family. I know there will be fallout, but I think I can handle that part. The part I am scared of is that would be stupid. Everyone always says, once a cheater, always a cheater and the last thing I can handle is doing all that I have done and dedicating my life to him, only to be cheated on myself. How in the world am I going to figure out what to do?
September 8th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Jo, please think carefully before you even consider telling his wife. I know it would bring some satisfaction to you, but you shouldn’t do it…and the best reason is - it’s not fair to his kids. You’ll get through this, we all do. It sucks, it brings out the worst in people…but his kids are innocent here, and if you give into anger and tell his wife, you are risking their happiness. They don’t deserve that. I never told my boss’ wife…I never even considered it, and it’s because my parents divorced over my Dad’s cheating. I grew up without a close relationship with him. Even if this man is an asshole, he’s still their father. And it might bring you short-term resolution, but the only thing that will make this all go away for you long-term is time.
Hang in there…the reason I check back on this board is because I remember how alone I felt, and I don’t want other women to feel that way. You’re not alone, and you will find the strength to deal with fallout. It just takes time.
October 27th, 2009 at 8:52 am
What theme do you use on this blog? Just curious.
Thanks in advance
October 30th, 2009 at 2:39 am
Wow. Didn’t realize so many women were in similar positions. I’m a professional in a very small firm - three partners, 4 office staff. In end of June at baseball game that my boss, myself, one coworker and her husband were attending, my boss tells me he’s been in love with me for the past two and a half years. He actually said he was smitten over me and head over heels in love with me. Now he’s divorced, two kids and living with a girlfriend for five years now, who he’s unhappy with. I’ve been married for 12 years and with my husband for 20, and we have two kids together. My boss is 7 years older than me. I had a felt a strong attraction between us for quite some time, but I didn’t realize how strongly I felt for him until he told me this. After his emotions were out in the open, I realized that for quite some time I had been thinking about him and wanting to do things with him and his kids. I first told him that I was sorry but I was married with kids and couldn’t do that. Then we decided to have lunch together one day and he kissed me. That’s where it all began. I tried breaking it off multiple times. He would cry and say that I was his happiness. He wouldn’t ask me to leave my husband, but he would talk about things we could have together. I asked him how we could work together and have a relationship. He said plenty of married couples work together and own practices together. I was blown away that he had thought so much about it considering he was a partner in the firm and unsure of how the other partners would take it, but he didn’t care. We talked all the time. We fooled around and came close to having sex, but we didn’t. We talked about where we would live and the things we could have together. I thought about leaving my husband, but was so scared because we had been together so long. My husband was a good husband and a great father, but I started dating him when I was 14 and married him when I was 21. I felt I had changed so much, and we weren’t as compatible as we once were. My boss and I are so much alike and share so many common interests. Then I started feeling my boss pulling away. He said he couldn’t do this anymore, because he couldn’t be the guy who broke up a family. I was devastated and ready to leave my husband for this man who I felt was my soulmate. My boss has since completely pulled away. He doesn’t want me to leave the office, because he wants me in his life and I am so good at my job. I have been absolutely heartbroken. It has taken me weeks to stop crying. As I was upset at work, he would constantly be in my office to see if I was okay. Now I’m doing better. Still thinking of him constantly but not crying. Ready to be his friend. Now, he is avoiding me. Stopped texting me. Acting cold. Not telling me things - just small talk. I’m hurting all over again. When will this end? How did I end up here? I had a good marriage before this. Now I’m trying to pick up the pieces of my life and get things back on track with my husband for my kids. I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing by husband. So confused!
November 13th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I’m sorry to hear this. Yup. Men suck. I’m convinced that once they get what they want, and the initial thrill of the “forbidden” passes…they lose interest. They will say ANYTHING to get what they want–tell you they want to marry you, live with you, have kids together, take you to exotic places…it’s all very exciting to talk about. My boss has stopped calling me as well. Still acts nice when we see each other at the office…but I know that it will stop one day. I am desperately trying to get over him before that day comes. It is one of the hardest things you will have to do, but you have to do it. For yourself, and your family. Men don’t want to remain friends with someone they’ve already conquered. What’s in it for them? Phonecalls with someone they have no future with? Dates with someone who is already taken by another man? “Pointless” conversation with a woman who won’t have sex with them? It hurts like HELL to hear these things, but it’s the truth. Thank goodness for my girlfriends. I’ve spent many nights crying/arguing with them after hearing their warnings that all of this would happen. I never thought it would happen to me. Most women never think it will happen to them…otherwise there wouldn’t be websites like this!! That is AWESOME you didn’t have sex with him. It makes it sooo much worse. It’s OK to feel confused. Hard to imagine there are men out there with such little respect for women.
The ONLY thing that will cure your ill feelings are PRAYER and TIME. God will help you if you ASK Him to and truly believe He will help you. And I believe time can cure (or atleast really help) any kind of feelings. Think about it…when you first got married, did you ever think you would fall out of love with your husband? You say he’s a good husband and father…so what made you fall out of love? TIME. When loved ones pass away, you think you will never go a day without thinking about them…but guess what? After TIME (unfortunately in this case) feelings fade. I never thought I would be happy again when my grandmother died. Now, a few years later, I hardly think of her (sad but true). So the same will be true for you with this jerk. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Please be good to yourself and don’t think of him…think of the husband you fell in love with and your kids. Good luck.
November 28th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Not all men suck. People make mistakes…ALL people. I got past my experience with loving a married man. And now, I honestly think back fondly on him. I was angry and hurt at first, but I still respect him. We did things we shouldn’t have, but in the end, he made the right decision. I am proud of him for that. I’m just saying, yes…some men are serial cheaters. They will never stop. But the man I loved is back at home where he should be, trying to make it work. And like all things in life, you do get past the pain. You find other men to love. It was actually after my first relationship after my boss that I began to see how even single men make mistakes…this guy was so emotionally unavailable, I didn’t know which end was up. And he lied to me…I feel nothing he ever said was true. Nothing like what my former boss - the supposed “bad guy” had done. It’s a perspective thing…if any of these men had left their wives, wouldn’t you have lost respect for them, at least theoretically? Maybe not in all cases, but there are always exceptions. And what we get out of the worst relationships is two things: 1) a better understanding of ourselves, and as a result, 2) a better understanding of the kind of man we need. I am now seeing a wonderful man, whom I completely trust. I believe in him, because his actions support the words he says to me. We know when it’s not right…we get that feeling in the pits of our stomachs, which for some reason we ignore. We think we can change them, make us love them enough to change their ways. But why bother? Why not find someone you can spend your time with who treats you like a queen, where you never have that pit in your stomach. You can’t change people - they have to change themselves. Find a good man who wants to be an even better man. You’ll see it in the way he treats you. There is something better ahead for all of us…you have to take responsibility for your actions, and your actions only - then change your behavior accordingly. That’s all it takes…once you do it, happiness practically falls out of the sky and hits you on the head.
There are other days ladies…and plenty of amazing men out there to spend them with.
November 30th, 2009 at 12:16 am
Hi all, I appreciate reading your posts, this is all too familiar. I am so glad I found this site. My story sounds similar, except I am the one that is married, I cheated with my single boss. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years-he is a good man but a ADD. He doesn’t run around, drink or do stupid things, just too busy “getting things done” to pay attention to me.
Anyway, I’ve been working with my boss for the past 3 1/2 years - curiousity building the entire time. We recently went to a conference together - and we became physical. I know that he is single and has been a womanizer in the past, but I really didn’t care. Since our time together, we have met up several times at work - in public and chatted a litte. He seems very sensitive to my emotions around being unfaithful to my husband and has not pushed the issue around being together again - but has talked about our physical time together fondly. I think he would be open to being together again, but is waiting for me to make the move.
The point of my post is, I feel very weak about the possibility of being with my boss again - physically. I have not initiated or talked about being intimate again, but I really want to be. Reading your posts have made me think about the entire situation and how it may turn out in the end. I think if I don’t pursue being with my boss again, things will go back to the way they were - call it a one night stand and move on and call this a learning experience to put my marriage first and work on it. My boss is such that he wouldn’t have an issue with this either. I have to be strong and realize this is only lust and will not turn out well if I continue this. I wouldn’t be able to stand the “do I end it now” syndrome - I know that I would be thinking this constantly- I am now! This sexual attraction is very hard to manage, I havn’t felt this way in years.
Thanks for letting me vent, any words of wisdom would be appreciated.