Dear God,
I have so many dark secrets that I am too ashamed/scared to confess. But, I know that if I don’t get them out, they will eat me from the inside out. I have been living a lie for the past 14 years. To the world, I am this straight-as-an-arrow, put together woman with the perfect suburban life, the perfect marriage, the perfect parent. Not the case…not the case at all.
The first time I had sex, at the age of 14, was supposed to be with my boyfriend…only my boyfriend. Minutes after he took my virginity, he had his cousin come into the room and have sex with me as well. He had about 6 guys in the house waiting in line to have sex with me. I ran away after the third guy walked in the room. How could I be so stupid? I became spiteful towards men. I felt that they all just wanted to get in my pants. So, I decided to be just like them. I used men for sex. Some actually wanted a relationship with me, but I would tell them that the relationship was purely sexual…nothing serious. I estimate that the number of men I’ve slept with is probably around 35-40. I got lucky by not catching any serious STDs. I had one regretful abortion. I still think about him.
I married my husband 7 years ago. I told him I was a virgin. He still thinks that he is my “one and only”. I remained faithful to him until I caught him masturbating to porn. In my heart, he became just like all of the other men. Then, he started neglecting me to be with his friends…to go drinking with his buddies 3-4 times a week. I’ve cheated on my husband with four different men and one woman. Recently, I’ve been corresponding with a past fling. He claims that he loves me. They all say that. I don’t believe them. I’m not sure if I believe in love at all. I’ve contemplated leaving my husband for this man. Not because I love him, but because he’s a rich doctor. I know it’s not right. It’s selfish. I tell myself that I can learn to love him. But, can I?
The worst part is that I don’t really feel bad for any of this. I know that I should feel more guilt and shame. I do feel something, but not enough to make me stop. Lord, I need the strength to be a better person…to be a better wife and mother. I’m so weak minded and weak hearted. I know the devil is in me, but I can’t seem to do your will..
Not Worthy - Japan
September 30th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
You say you want to be a better wife. So be a better wife. It’s your call. Your husband has his flaws, of course he does. But he is your husband. Be his wife. His alone. Be devoted to him. Submit to him, if you can. Find your place at his feet. Love him.
September 30th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I think the act of writing this prayer showed a level of bravery that I could never hope to acheive.
Some terrible things have happened to you, yet you have persevered. That you can see the reasons behind your actions, that you can take the first steps to finding some way of letting it go, shows something amazing.
I’m not religious myself, but I admire your strength.
Thankyou for writing this.
September 30th, 2008 at 10:35 pm
Like most women in modernity, you haven’t been instilled with the true value of your sexuality. Men haven’t either, and this causes untold problems and heartbreaks.. like what you’re experiencing now.
That doesn’t relieve you from blame - you should be responsible over yourself. The very fact you weren’t appreciated should have incited the quest for knowledge to find your value. It’s not too late by any means to change this, and now is the time to start.
I’m going to be starting a podcast soon that really covers these issues.. if you’re ever interested in listening, you can visit. I’ve studied womanhood, sexuality and the dynamic between men and women for the last 6 years… since I was 16 and found my sex was being exploited. I’ve dived into feminism, conservative views of womanhood, philosophy of all kinds, views of women in Christianity and Islam, cross cultural studies of femininity, etc… None academically, but as a true quest for knowledge about my budding womanhood.
You have a lot to admit and accept about yourself. In the end, the only person’s forgiveness that will truly matter is yours. Can you forgive yourself?
Explore your soul. Get convictions and confidence. Good luck, and please be kind and patient with yourself and your family. It’s worth saving, don’t you think?
October 1st, 2008 at 3:19 am
The strange thing is, I love such womans- who think about sex as much as man do. I feel a little bit horny, from this prayer..
October 1st, 2008 at 11:58 pm
Huh, thats some mean and strong honesty. But is it me, or I see it as if you hate everything and anything around you?! I cant tel you that I understand what happened to you, i just cant understand it… Fortunately Ive never been through what you have been…
But you dont sound like you want to change or even that you need a change. You just wish that everything that happened didnt happen to you, but it did…
I do not believe in God, not the one everyone knows at least. I believe in the bigger force which could be the pure essence of nature, but not In Allah, Jesus, Budha and all the others (i am a muslim btw..)
But what i do believe is good and bad in people. I dont steal, try not to lie, offend people, look down on people and would never do things like those that were done to you, nor the things you did to other people. I just wouldnt want other people to doit to me, I dont need god to tell me that…Your husband drinks with his buddies and masturbates and you cheat on him with dozen of other different people?! Your husband is not the reason you are what you are!
And I couldnt help but notice that you actually LOVE sex! Its not like you do it with no apparent reason, you do it because you like it and I totally understand it, everybody should. After all its your life and you are entitled to do with it whatever you want…
And I doubt youll find happiness with the new guy, he masturbates as well 97 % of the men do, it has nothing to do with love or cheating, its just a relief of pressure.
Good Luck, i do hope you find what you are looking for, it is up to you…
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:59 am
I am the same. It started when I was 14. I haven’t taken it far because social morality has kept me in check.
But if i were to let go. I wouldn’t feel anything. I would tell the same lies to others and myself.
I would not feel guilt. Maybe I’m just repressing it. I’m not ashamed, but I know i should be.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:37 am
Dear Not Worthy,
You are too hard on yourself. While it isn’t the best choice to sleep with a lot of men, don’t beat yourself up about it. You deserve to be happy and you will never find happiness if you live in your past. Instead, embrace it as part of who you are and learn from it. Nobody becomes a great person without suffering adversity and you have definitely had your fair share.
As for your husband watching porn, let him be who he is. If he enjoys porn, so long as it isn’t child porn, accept that that is part of who he is. Nobody is perfect so don’t go looking for someone who is. Our sexual nature cannot be fought, we like what we like and we either do it in private because we are ashamed or we accept it and move on with our lives.
No one believes you are the perfect wife, mother, person, etc. We all know (yes, your neighbors and family too) that it’s a front so stop pretending. It takes an incredible amount of courage and strength to truly accept yourself and your faults. Whatever you do, DO NOT make apologies for past mistakes. They’re done and over with and you have agonized enough. Instead, I would encourage you to set a few goals that will make you a better person and work toward them. Examples would be like taking a class and working toward a good grade, save money until you reach a certain goal, spend more quality time with your kids AND enjoy it. Avoid situations which cause you grief. If, for example, you regret having the affairs, make it a point NOT to go to bars or out with friends without the company of your husband.
Lastly, if you want to make it work with your husband, attend couples therapy. I don’t really believe that therapy works unless both people really want to stay together but if that is your goal; then you should attend. It would give you an opportunity to at least tell your husband the truth about your past in a controlled environment but you will have to deal with the possibility he won’t appreciate being lied to. If you are truly unhappy with your husband, you need to find a place of your own and working on being his friend instead of being his wife. I’m sure you can do this because God would not want you to be enemies with the person who is the father of your children.
The worst thing you can do would be to move in with another man. This would be damaging to your children and you would be as unhappy as you are now.
I wish you luck. Remember, you are who you chose to be. Be free.
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:31 am
Hey, my heart goes out to you. Guess what, God is waiting with outstretched arms to embrace you and love you. Just go to Him. There’s not one person on this planet that hasn’t made mistakes. Only difference with you is that you have the courage to stand up and say so instead of making excuses for yourself like most of us. God doesn’t have conditions on His love. Or His mercy. Or His forgiveness. Go to Him. You won’t be rejected. He’ll guide you through the rest of this life, and the bliss of the next one is beyond your and my wildest dreams. See you there! Peace to you. Lisa
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
first i commend you for being open and honest; most people do not have the courage to voice their pain, frustration, humiliation and sins; confession is always, always good and by releasing the truth you have actually set a lot of people free… what you need to understand is that as bad as your situation has been, many, and perhaps millions of young women around the world, have experienced similar situations; maybe it was with as an uncle, brother, a father or step father who repeatedly abused them sexually; or as in your situation a boyfriend and in some cases a spouse who humiliated them sexually…
second, i believe the best thing you can do is face the situation head on and take charge of your life… you’re not a victim… you have ALL the power to make changes in your life IF YOU WANT TO; the devil’s job IS to get people to feel worthless… the truth is we’re all dirty, sinners and saints… BUT WE’RE STILL VERY USEFUL TO GOD IN SPITE OF OUR SINS… put first things first and leave the doctor alone… you need clarity and you will not get that as long as you hang on to him; if you love God, let him go and then you need to work through your issues… sex and men have been your pain killers and destroyers at the same time…
third; i encourage you to try and work things out with your husband that is — if you & he believe your marriage can be saved; i don’t know why he’s hanging out and using porn material? is it b/c he senses you don’t love him? or is his behavior totally unrelated? what gives with him? either way, he needs to know the truth about you and your past.. the only thing i would say is if he’s the violent type who would lose control and attempt to hurt you, then you may need to tell him under different circumstances… like in counseling… i don’t know… but you got to take charge and look at your situation for what it is… you haven’t done anything so awful that you can’t move on and DO GREAT THINGS…
DON’T PITY YOURSELF… MAKE UP YOUR MIND TO GET HELP… it may be someone at a church, on your job or a family member - but get to talking this thing through and deal with it… AND PRAY… and anyone who tries to condemn for your behavior when you’re trying to seek help may not be someone you need to talk to… you need someone who is objective and can help you see the situation through for what it REALLY is… if you can, take a few days off to GET YOUR HOUSE IN ORDER… WHEN THE DEVIL INTERVENES IN YOUR LIFE… AND FOR SO LONG… YOU’VE GOT TO COME OUT FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE…. FOR YOUR SOUL… AND IF YOU DO IT FOR ANYONE… AT LEAST DO IT FOR YOUR CHILD….
TAKE CARE & GOD BLESS.
October 4th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Greetings Not Worthy,
First of all I would like to congratulate you for your bold move to confess your sins, but from your statement it is clear that you are not regretful to what you did. If ther is no real regret to what you did then there is no evidence that indicates your desire to change and be a good wife, mother and so forth. You got to be sure that you want to live a stright life.
I advice you not to go out with the doctor. He is not different to any other men and also you are not in love with him. Your relationship with him won’t last long and it will be a tremendous and very challenging task to get back to your husband your children later. Ask God to give you a real repentence and stop all the misery. The bible has said ask and you shall be given, seek and you shall find. Good luck and I pray that the LORD will help you in your journey in life. God bless you.
Mo
October 7th, 2008 at 7:53 am
I have had a life like yours in some ways…..I´ve had a crazy life…and believe me….I´ve tried almost everything in theis life…I am 36 years old…….
Nobody is perfect in this world….NOBODY….We are going to make mistakes ALL LIFE…….First of all…….after looking everywhere the only thing that brought me peace was GOD………
He is really nice and kind with you when you really open your heart to him. Ask him to come to your life, with all your strenghts, all your heart, all your mind…..and you will see His response in ways you will never expected.
Second, WE CAN NOT CHANGE OUR PAST………first be honest with you. What do you want, what do you care…..waht do you love…..what do you expect…..and MOST IMPORTANT: What are willling to give or you in order to reach all that you want……..”There is no free lunch”…….
Do you want a better life?….What are you going to give?….do you want a better housband??….what are you going to give to your relationship???…and so on……..
I can see you are stronger than you think…..I can jugde you, and nobody can do it, we can not judge your husband, neither you…….I think, based on my own experience that any way you choose, you must be honest and based on love.
Give God a chance in your life with all your heart….and I can assure you, He will never give up on you.
God bless you…….if you need further info or help, you can write me to: empatronix@hotmail.com
JORGE
October 7th, 2008 at 7:54 am
Sorry the orthography…..and is “I CAN NOT JUDGE YOU”…..sorry again…..
October 13th, 2008 at 11:46 am
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son. That whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting LIFE!” - John 3:16. The Father loves you love. And all you have to do is turn your life over to Jesus Christ! He has already taken your hurt, your abuse, your bitterness and your pain and has replaced it with his everlasting LOVE and HIS FREEDOM!! You are in bondage, living in a caged world. That is not the WILL of God. But the beautiful part is that He loves you. He sees you and knows even your most inner thoughts and desires. And ONLY HE has the ability to free you from what you are going through. I encourage you. His love is sooooo sweet. Trust me love, I know. There is no condemnation for His children who loves Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). I was molested as a child. And my Father is THE deliverer. His arms are open to you love, just fall into them and let Him love and heal your heart. And He will also love and heal your family and marriage!
I Love You and God Be With You ALWAYS!!
KT
October 16th, 2008 at 3:38 am
I think all you need is a hug, and some therapy!
You are okay sweetie!
October 24th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Honestly i don’t think that you are a slut or anything like that, i just that you have had some bad luck
November 6th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Dear,
Two months ago I read your conffesion, and I cried. I know you can and will be forgiven by God, cause He’s the love, the unilateral love, it doesn’t mattaer how or what u’ve done.
And I can say I feel kind of like you do, I’ve been married for 3 months only, and we´ve come from a 6 years of relationship and I had always benn faithfull to him, I lost my virginity with him…. but tha last few weeks something happend to me…
I got envolved with a guy that works with me and the worst thing is I don’t fell guilty at all. And I don’t want to stop, I don’t even like him, it’s just about sex…
I don’t know how to act it’s so weird, and excitting, but I know I being unfair to him, and that I don’t deserve him, but I can’t find a way to stop it…
Take care, and let us know how u are.
Luv,
Even worthless - Brasil
November 7th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I’m going to be very simple, just because The Lord is that simple,
Just surrender your heart to Jesus, he’ll forgive you everything, and will re-make you from the inside out,
you’ll be a “re born” person, simply surrender your heart to jesus.
November 11th, 2008 at 3:55 am
Go and speak to a priest to get some help, to see your value with God’s eyes and have your heart, your soul and your life rebuilt. Rely on someone who can help you in the name of God, who really loves you, like no other.
A big hug and blessing
November 11th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
be honest with your husband. Tell him of your past, and how you feel now. If he loves you, he will want to help you. If he does not love you, then you never had him anyway.
Why is him looking at porn so bad, when you don’t mind cheating on him? How can you say that your actions are justified because of what he is doing?
You sound deeply unhappy, and only honesty and truth will bring you together, and set your heart free.
November 20th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I really don’t like what Dutchman said at all. If she should let him have his flaws, shouldn’t he let her have hers? NO. See? It’s not that simple. They need to talk about this, sit down and just let it all out. Their frustrations, concerns and new truths to old lies.
Masturbating to porn is not a “flaw”. To most woman, thats a form of cheating, and like this woman said, it tainted her husband. It made him like every other man she’d met. Its not as simple as just accepting their “flaws”. Some problems need to be worked on. Not everything goes away or gets better on its own.
As husband and wife, if their relationship is worth saving, (and that needs to be figured out too) then they need to respect each other enough to tell each other who they really are and how they really feel. Then, if staying together and still loving each other is in the cards, then there you go. The relationship is even stronger. If not, then at least you can say you tried and thats all that matters.
Jessika, OC, Cali
November 21st, 2008 at 8:08 am
put yourself in your husbands shoes, he knows very well that he was not the first person you slept with, so tell him the truth. a relationship started with lies will only go down hill. a relationship started on truths can only go one way. stay with your husband, tell him the truth about everything, see how he reacts and if he is un excepting,…. fuck him. hes not your true love.
November 21st, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I have one simple thing i have to say.
You can always trust in Gods Grace
but mankind will have no mercy
November 28th, 2008 at 8:28 pm
Dear Father,
Powerful and all mighty.Before you stands an unworthy daughter who now calls upon You for protection and acceptance.
God, You are love. Embrace your daughter and heal her. Heal the shame and confusion, Father in Heaven; only you
understand the depth of her pain, the inability to cope and control her flesh. Please as an advocate for my her I stand
up and ask on her behalf to heal her, put around her shoulders a shield from the fierce attacks of Satan and take her to
a place where she will find Peace, quiet, rest. The place where she will release her demons and embrace Your holiness.
Make her strong to walk each day a little farther with You. Dear God help her to forgive herself…. Help her to recognize
You and accept Your call…..