Dear God,
I feel like I am in a permanent state of sadness and despair. Living is a daily painful ordeal, every night I go to bed wishing that I wont wake up the next morning.
Ayesha, South Africa
Share:
Comments
15 Responses to “Living Is A Daily Painful Ordeal”
Leave a Reply
Dear God is a global project for people around the world to share their innermost hopes - and fears - through prayer.
It doesn’t matter what your version of God is…Jesus, Allah, Buddha or simply a spiritual universal energy… praying to a higher power soothes and heals. It is believed that people who pray are healthier, happier and more resilient.
Share your prayers here and help us create hope one prayer at a time. Simply send us your personal letter to your God and/or a picture that sums up your message visually. (Dear God will source a picture if you don’t have one).
Disclaimer: This website is totally independent and non-denominational. We are not a religious or spiritual/new-age organization. We have no affiliation or relationship to any church or religious or spiritual group or organization.
May 7th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Ayesha,
You are LOVED. You my not feel like it, but our feeling can decieve us at times. Feelings are like seasons they are always changing. I remember going through a dark time of depression and hating the way i felt, but God is faithful. One thing that is for sure is that Gods love for you does not change. No matter how you feel, what you have done, or what the world looks like around you. He Loves you. I am praying for you today. Heb 12:12
By Grace, V
Jon
May 7th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I can’t say that I know exactly how you feel, but I can say that I know life can suck so hard that sometimes you just want to crawl up into a ball and just go to sleep forever. But the truth is, your life, my life, all of our lives are a gift and we need to make the best of it. One thing that made me realize that I should not give up or be pissed off all the time is when my mother got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died a slow death 3 years later.
Her story is what shaped mine. Well… My mother was a gorgeous child and an even more gorgeous pre-teen and adult. With her looks and personality she could have very easily been a movie star because she looked a lot like Elizabeth Taylor but even more beautiful and people were always always attracted to her personality. She lit up a room even until the end of her life. She was part Cherokee and part black Irish with stunninly silky, shiny black hair, georgeous sky blue bedroom eyes and in a swim suit she looked like a dream.
At the same time unfortunately, her mother (my grandmother) was a jealous, bitter, alcoholic, backwoods, predjudice, hateful, hillbilly who physically and mentally abused my my mother for years and years consistently all her life.
Still, my mother was the only one in the whole family that was the sole care taker for over 5 years of my grandma when grandma had gotten very sick (COPD/Emphysema/High Blood Pressure/Osteoarthritis/Blindness/Diabetic) and until grandma died. That same week grandma died…. my mother was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer.
My mom’s whole life was total drama ….as a child her mother was a nightmarish hateful alcoholic selfish bitch and threw my mother out of the house when she was only 13 years old. Only to be given away by an her own mother to her incestuous uncle (whom my grandmother had a child with…which resulted in one of my aunts/my mothers sister). * Welcome to my family!
My mom fought off the incestuous uncle and his incestuous wife so much that they threw her out and back home to her mother/my grandmother. The quickest way my mom could find to get away from Her mom/my grandmother was to marry a much older man (my father) who turned out to be a raging alcoholic and violent wife beater and she finally left him only to have 3 more failed brutally sad marriages.
I grew up in a hurricane of fear, dispair, violence, uncertainty and I was also molested by my stepfather and many others plus abandoned by my real father.
When my mom died it was weird because I felt as if maybe that she might have finally found peace, yet I felt guilty because I had resented and hated the life ’she had given me’. It took about 4 years after she died when I started to realize that we all make our own reality. No matter what life dishes out at you, it is up to you to make it good or drown in your own self pity. It is hard to do but you have to keep trying. That is why we are here.
Man! That was hard to face for me because I had blamed the entire world for all of my mothers problems and my own miserable life. I did not find “God”, but I found myself somehow I knew I was a survivor. I am not a religious person but I am extremely spiritual and loving.
When I realized that… I kept telling myself, ” Life is what you make it.” Things started to turn around. Not overnight of course, but it did happen fairly fast when I made myself think of myself as my own best friend. I thought to myself, “Now, if I had an identical twin that talked all these negative thoughts to my face, what would I say to them to make my identical twin feel better?”
First thing I would say is, “Hey hey hey, wait a minute….. you are a great person. You are not so bad. You are strong, very strong. Every one has hard times and there are always others that have MUCH MUCH harder times than you do right now at this very second.
There are always people that have had it a hell of a lot harder than you. Please don’t let this get you down. You have so much potential and you are smart, talented and have a lot to offer. Look deep and inside and see your true self. If you would just give yourself a chance. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I love you, so you should love you too. You are here for a reason and you are worth being here and you are stronger than you think you are. Plus…you can help others. That is what life is about. Help others every chance you get, even if all you have to offer is a smile!”
Sounds corny, but it works. I was the queen of ‘Negativity’. I still have my moments, but it gets better with practice.
So please, don’t give up on yourself. There is only one you in the entire universe and you are special and you are truly loved. Peace and Kindness and Love to you. xoxoxo Ric
May 7th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Dear Ayesha, Please let me know what is troubling you? I may not have the answers but talking about it might help.
May 9th, 2008 at 5:53 am
Not that it helps, but I always feel this way too. One day I won’t wake up….but it wasn’t today.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:43 am
we´ve got a war to fight, every day, every hour, every minute, every second, all of us sonner or later have a war to fight, you are fighting your’s, carry the cross, and hold on, tomorow you’ve got another one to fight.
May 13th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
I feel the same way everyday, and my life has been going downhill. But I talked to my friend and she told me to keep faith. Even if you feel as if all hope is lost. Slowly I’m trying to survive I only hope you can do the same.
May 14th, 2008 at 7:46 am
hey ayesha
i know what ur goin thru.
just wanted to let you know that god does what u to feel like this always
the same thing happened to me, but his grace came into my life, and its as if every day is a struggle
he wants u. he wants you badly
just let him in, and he shall hear u
May 16th, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Hi Ayesha,
I don’t really know what your’re going through in your life right now but I do know that I have felt that way sometimes…wishing that I was never even born at all to go through life living miserably.
But then I think, God put me here for a reason, He let m be born for a purpose, and I am still wandering what that is, still searching, but I have to be greatful for the gift of life because so many people die that did’t want to die and when you don’t you wander why-that’s cos God’s still holding onto you.
Don’t live for yourself, live for God and live for others. Grab onto Him and just hang in there because one day you’ll see a better day.
May 23rd, 2008 at 6:10 am
ayesha,
i can really relate to the feelings of not wanting to move one more step, not wanting to live one more fucking day. that was my life not so long ago. i had to reach the bottom (the lowest point until i could not go down any further, and i could sustain myself) i can tell you its is always darkness before the dawn. that, the pain i experienced is a gold mine of experience i can draw from to help people who have been there. it seems so lonely and dark like nothing is growing. it took time and i had do do different if i wanted different, and that meant i had to drag my ass out of the bed when i didnt want to ( i would kick and scream) and do something with my body and hope the mind would follow. pain is such a motivator, even when you dont believe in your self, i do. your friend
May 23rd, 2008 at 7:25 pm
If you were a hunter in the woods, and acting this way, you’d be dead by now. Before, Life had a way of taking care of the weak minded or the badly trained. But since there are welfare systems in place in modern society, people with no real intentions in life get to drift around aimlessly. You’re smart enough to realize there is a problem, fantastic - now you need to manifest a clear reality of what’s important: an urgency to exist.
To do this you may need to erase personal history. Don’t be what the others expect you to. Alienate yourself from bad energy. Manifest forward thought. Stop time. Use stimulants of unbiased nature (such as instrumental music not based on any one religion, emotion, problem, so as to let your own emotion interact with the sound, unbiased) to transcend into yourself. You will start dreaming again. The slight sensation of “true being” hidden somewhere inside of you will finally be noticed by your own self and you’ll start to bring it out slowly one good chill at a time. Reward yourself for every chill you can get up and down your spine. Some years from now you may find yourself being who you actually are. and you’ll never have to “drag your ass out of bed” because manifested individuals do not have any excuse for not existing. they know they owe it to themselves to exist - otherwise they let the wolves eat them for dinner. no room for a slip up in the foodchain of existance.
May 29th, 2008 at 2:17 am
Others have had tough experiances not unlike yours and they have survived! with happy ending tales! Hang in there. Look at how much goodness is here! People who care and have real tools that have helped them and can help others who see them and try them to find what works for them. Talk to people about what you are going through. You can even find a relief from your trials by focusing on someone else for a while who could do with a hand, there is always someone close by who could use a bit of help with something.
keeping you in my prayers. Have faith, hope.. little words with great meaning x
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:30 am
Ayesha,
You are not alone. No one can say they know exactly what you are feeling but I once had those feelings too. One of the best things that could have happened to me was a friend’s sister telling me she was Bi-polar. Her stories were similar to what i felt. She got help, found a counselor, started taking medications and ultimately decided that she was better off the medication. Her message to me was know that you are not alone and find what works for you. I hope you feel better
July 30th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
when you think you are alone, you are not. You and i both look upon the same moon in the night sky. Your posting here has touched my heart and i pray remembering you and the love you need. Keep reaching out and know you are loved always no matter what. I and God guarantee it.
September 19th, 2008 at 4:05 am
oh my gosh this is heartbreaking.
October 9th, 2008 at 1:00 am
Hi Ayesha
I don’t know exactly why you feel the way you feel but from one South African to another - Hang in there!!! I also feel like I dont want to live anymore. Things are just getting worse. But the one thing thats keeping me going is my faith. I believe that God performs miracles and that He loves us and our country. The only thing that you can do is to keep on believing. By Believing, one sees. (Not the other way around)!