Dear God,
My girlfriend had an abortion last month. We talked about it, cried over it and came to a conclusion that its best we lose it. She was devastated after the ordeal as she felt she had lost a little part of herself during this incident. We are both young, desperately searching for better things in life. I am not financially stable or mentally ready to have a kid yet. I was told no one is ever ready. She knows i don’t want a kid yet, and she aborted it cos’ she loves me. She very much wanted the child but realized realistically we can never have one right now. Repercussions are severe. Everything reminded us about the abortion. Contrary to popular belief, men suffer from this as well. The guilt and frustration stemmed from this incident bores no limit. I couldn’t find strength to go to work everyday. I am mentally strained knowing that it happened because i am selfish.I am not able to make love to her nowadays due to this. Its just not the same anymore. Maybe its the stress, maybe work is wearing me down. I don’t know. She told me she couldn’t continue with me because seeing me reminds her of all the pain and hurt she had to go through.I sometimes feel its best if I can just vanish from this country, away from everyone I know and start afresh. I know fleeing seems tempting but i still stand here with my responsibility towards her.So dear God, can you give me the courage to forgive myself, be a better man and move on?Ritcher, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
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April 12th, 2008 at 1:34 am
You’re a great man. I don’t know if my boyfriend would ever think that way, but I wish he would.
Your posting really touches me.
Wish you all the best of luck:)
April 12th, 2008 at 3:22 am
Those who are not mentally ready for a child should reconsider having sex.
April 12th, 2008 at 7:41 am
What you have written is amazing, touching and it made me very sad.
What came to my mind instantly as I was reading this was - have a child now if you want to fix things. This will bring you close together again, probably even closer than you have ever been.
Good luck!
April 12th, 2008 at 8:13 am
I just want you to know that I completely understand where you are at. And…so does God. And all He wants to do is hold you in His arms and take your pain away. I had an abortion, and broke up with my boyfriend…very similar circumstances. I have tried and tried to contact him - this was over 10 yrs ago. I wanted so badly to apologize to him because he was the one who wanted to keep it. I was terrifed that my parents would disown me for having pre-marital sex…and so I had an abortion so that they would not find out. Yes…very selfish, I know. But there is grace and compassion extended freely to you by the One who knows that we are ALL imperfect. He longs for us anyway. I hope you find peace…
April 12th, 2008 at 10:01 am
So sorry you have to experience this
My prayers will always be with you
April 12th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
You are always forgiven. It is time to forgive yourself and heal, and sway your thoughts from the your own torture, to the love of life, your girlfriend and yourself.
April 13th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
ask god for forgiveness john 3:16. learn from this. the devil is who delivers the guilt. children are blessings not mistakes. look for your inner strength.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
i felt really when i read your post. still am. i am sorry for what you had to go through. i hope things will be better for you. i cant say i know what you feel. be strong.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:32 pm
I hope your feelings expressed somehow diminishes the pain a little… it will subside and you’ve already learned a great deal about yourself from the experience. Move forward and use this to gain strength and share knowledge to prevent others from getting into the situation you did. Healing will take time, and true love will help you heal. [virtual hug]
April 15th, 2008 at 12:00 am
It’s a good thing to abort if you are not ready. Don’t think about god beacause it doesn’t exist. Religious morality are fascist doctrines outdates, against woman emancipation and human emancipation among other things If you are sad look towards logic and you will understand than you make the best choice. It’s better to have a baby when all the best condition are collect. So many children born and becomes sad adults unhappy or delinquent because their parents didn’t wants them, didn”t loved them and didn’t abort them. Don’t be sad and don’t judge you baddly, you make the good choice, you are brave both of you. Take care. Marc
April 15th, 2008 at 2:47 am
Marc,
A past abortion often inflicts huge emotional wounds. I strongly suggest you don’t try to walk this path alone. First, find out why you feel so devastated after the abortion. Read more about this at http://www.lifeissues.org/men/index.html There are people who can help you on the road to hope and healing. Reach out and ask for help.
April 15th, 2008 at 3:50 am
I understand exactly how you are feeling, and I believe that God has already forgiven youi - you need to forgive yourself, too. I was in a similar situation awhile ago - in the position of your girlfriend - pregnant and faced with the abortion decision. My boyfriend didn’t want to have the baby because he felt exactly as you’re saying you did. And I felt just like your girlfriend, I wanted to have it because, truly, we are never totally ready for the change of a child, no matter how much we prepare. So my thinking was “let’s stick together and have the baby.”
My boyfriend didn’t share the same idea, and was standing firm by his desire to not have it. I went through with it and felt absolutely empty and ashamed of myself. Sometimes i still do. And the pain that was left in our relationship - instead of a little bundle of joy - was much worse than any hardships that having a child could have brought us. We are still dealing with those issues today, as it has changed the ways that we look at, and appreciate each other.
However, sticking through that initial rough patch has brought us closer, and I believe that if you two guys support each other, explore the hurt, and move forward step by step, you will be rewarded with a more mature, loving, and naturally giving relationship. Take heart and keep your love alive!
April 15th, 2008 at 4:25 am
You’ll be in my prayers. Although I am against abortion for a million reasons, no one is perfect and we need to be here for each other. I know how you’re suffering and that’s exactly why jesus’ doctorine are NOT outdated. We serve a God who knows something about suffering. Who can meet us in that place because he put himself there knowing that his lovers would be there too. I’m thankful that we’re not blinded to pain and hurt, that we can choose to Love a creator and choose for what is good, even though it can really suck sometimes. Hang in there. Forgiveness and compassion is near. There is nothing you can Ever do, to not be loved by God even though we don’t have the perfect life here. Even if we don’t choose to do life with him and spend the rest of eternity without him (hell). Don’t ever think that people will be pleading on their knees in front of God for help and forgiveness and he’ll say no, “you’re going to hell.” and don’t ever think that you are too far gone or too unholy. We’re all too far unholy, that’s why Jesus makes sense. I forgive you.
I wish we we’re friends.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:03 am
embrace your sadness. then move on. you did the right thing. you werent selfish. you were RESPONSIBLE.
look at the alternative: you have a child. you are unable to care for it properly. your child suffers. your relationship suffers.
and on and on.
how is that a better option? to raise a child a stressed, deprived, financially unstable environment. how is that better? unfortunately, *love is not enough*. the world already has too many children who do not have good stable homes. who do not have opportunities available to them for growth, education, health and wellness. you did right to wait until you could provide these things before bringing another life to this already crowded and dying because of it planet.
god gave us the power to choose. free will. dont feel badly about exercising that right.
think of it this way: if god really wanted for you to have this baby, you wouldnt have had the option to abort. your car would have broken down on the way to the doctor’s, or you would have received some other un-ignorable sign telling you not to do it.
as it is, god stepped back, and let you make a decision. now make it worthwhile!
be thankful that you were given this opportunity to choose your life path. what you do now is make sure that everything you do after this moment is an affirmation of the decision you made. sort yourself out. get on the path that you want to be on. forward!
your girlfriend also needs to work on some self-forgiveness. wallowing in guilt is not going to do you, her, or god any favors.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:14 am
There is an afterlife, another dimension that is the divine dimension and there is also a before life, which is this same dimension. We are only here temporarily and know that the soul does not enter the fetus for several months. And essentially, there is no right or wrong, you acted also to prevent this child to experience future suffering and at the same time self care isn’t necessarily selfish when done with consciousness of the greater good of everyone involved. Love is the essentiall element and when the time is ready you will be able to give lot’s of love to a future child in this world. You spared the soul of the child a difficult disconnected life.
As for your girlfriend, remember that love again is the purpose. Release all the self judgment and dedicate yourself to under stand how this situation can deepen compassion for everyone you interact with, how pain is a pushing off point to do greater acts of goodness and how this teaches the deepest value of human life. Focus your girlfriend on how this soul which was to enter into the body can come at a later date in the future. The soul was not aborted, and the material body is only a that, the soul will come again tell her.
all the best, with love
April 15th, 2008 at 6:20 am
One other thought, it is clear with all the pain both of you felt that your child would have been deeply loved, not necessarily living a difficult disconnected life and you both would have figured it out, but this world is part of the stomping ground of understanding how to create this world to involve the greatest and highest good for everyone….. Love is real… tap into its energy source and force and understand how this can help you overcome self loathing and how the soul of the child is full of love for you both.
Hope this helps…..
April 15th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Marc, if you wait until all your ducks are in a row, you’ll never get the experience of having a child. I would also guess that someone who can post something as thoughtful as this man did is more than ready to have a job. Having just had an unplanned miracle of my own turn 8 weeks old today, I know what he was going through. When my (now) wife and I found out she was pregnant I had just quit a job to take a freelance gig requiring extensive travel. As soon as I heard that we both knew that we loved eachother more than anything else in the world, and that’s all you need to bring a child into this world. Being a year out of college and having our whole world ahead of us, nothing gets us out of bed each morning with more enthusiasm than our daughter’s impatient cry.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:14 am
Little can be added to what has been said. If you are a believer, you will find peace with God, through God, but not without going through the pain caused by your decision. Go along this path, however painful it is. God perfectly knows why He let this happen. He knew this would happen, before you were born. He suffers with you at this very moment, He mourns the child like He mourned Lazarus.
Maybe think of Peter in your worst hours: The first pope, appointed by the Savior himself denied Jesus 3 times - what can be worse? And yet, he became the leader of the church - he proved worthy. Paul, not any better at all, was a head hunter, who killed early christians for a living. God made him the biggest teacher of the church. The rest of the apostles - like any of us - were not much better either. Selfish fools, making wrong decision again and again. But this is no obstacle for God at all.
What you have done is a sin. But your sin is not you, can you understand? If you are a catholic (I don’t know about other denominations), confess all this to a priest, and it will not be remembered by God any more. Not because you can repay him by confessing, but because this is the way He planned the world to be. Impossible for us, natural to Him. He can mend things that are completely wrong, and it’s time you just let it happen. I wouldn’t say this, if it hadn’t happen to me.
Peace be with you.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:52 am
I wish you both the best.
Having a child is sometimes a cross that we cannot handle.
I’ve one boy who’s 14 and a girl who’s 4.
I have an hepatitis C and my wife left me after 11 injections (weeks) during my cure and when she spent all my resources.
Two years and half later, I begin to face positively the future.
Don’t hesitate to talk with your wife our girlfriend.
You decided about this abortion together so both of you have to talk about it and accept it.
It can be hard when there are some physical repercussions as you said.
Nobody have the ability to judge your decision, so people who do that can be rejected without hesitation.
I’m sure that it was the best decision you can imagine after I read your message.
You both were courageous and strong to take it.
I know so many people who decided to have children’s and they cannot even deal with this decision.
They cannot help them to grow up in a good way, or listen to them when children’s ask them.
They are really cowards!
I don’t want to imagine the adults their children’s will become.
I hope your love will help you both to pass trough this difficult decision.
Try to discuss a lot with your girlfriend and pass trough this.
You’re probably young people.
All the best.
Nicolas Pirson (-: tatactic :-).
http://tatactic.be
http://tatactic.be/contact
April 15th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Ritcher, I always feel it is not so much the choice you have made that bears weight, but how you respond to it. God knows it is not an easy decision you and your girlfriend have made and like many things in life, it is going to test you. I can only imagine the strain you must be feeling. If you can find the courage to carry on and respond to it though, it will only make you stronger.
You must not think of yourself as selfish, but selfless in making the right decision for both of you in the circumstances, in spite the repercussions. Be strong and try to stay positive. Don’t give in to the temptation to run away, rather, respond by using this opportunity to fill the void that is causing you pain. Take steps toward the financial stability and mental readiness that you want in your life, so that in time you can face the choice again without fear or burden.
Have faith that your strength and passion for love will return in time. Offer love and support to your girlfriend through this hardship, but give her the space that she needs. Talk to your friends and remember, you are not alone. God will provide you other chances in the future and I hope you can look back on this together with no regrets. I wish you both all the best.
April 15th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
Thanks all for the encouragement. Its good to know support and love transcends all culture, race and beliefs. We will stay strong and go through this together.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:57 am
If she had spontaneously aborted (that is, had a miscarriage) you wouldn’t think anything of it.
Women miscarry all the time. ALL THE TIME. It’s not a big deal. Don’t worry about it.
You’re feeling guilt for no reason at all. Go on with your life.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:38 am
This too will pass, my friend. It seems like a huge thing right now, but in time you will understand the reasons why this had to be done. Yes, it is difficult, but it is much worse having a baby at such a young age. I waited until I was 28 and it was still devastatingly hard. Life is hard enough w/o trying to raise a family before you an be properly educated.
You did the right thing. Forgive yourself.
It would have been much worse if you’d had the baby and couldn’t take care of it.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Hi Bro, deeply touched by how you wrote out your thoughts, fustration, guilit, etc. but you still faced them with no regrets and willing to go through the hurdle together with your love ones which i believe tons of guys out there may not be in the same page as you, hell they may not even face up to it as well….so be strong and move on together with your girlfriend for it’s the remaining years of road that matters not the past anymore….
April 16th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
The key to being forgiven is to forgive yourself. If you cannot forgive yourself, you will never feel like you have been forgiven. The pain will subsde, but it will take a while. Don’t listen to the person that said to have a kid now. Bringing a child into an unstable relationship will just make things worse, especially for the child. One on can say what the right choice for you is, only you can decide that. I wish you the best. Communication is what you need now, communicate with each other, dont let this break you, let it make you stronger.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Your story is a very real and very understandable circumstance. I too have had an abortion with my girlfriends. She was not ready and neither was i. We both felt like we wanted it, not because we could not afford it or because we were afraid of our parents; but for the sole reason that we were selfish. At first, she wanted to keep our child, but somehow i managed to convince her not to. After the abortion occured, we ended broke up. Its been over 2 years since the abortion, and i still regret it. However, i have found that forgiveness is the key to reassuring myself that i am not the evil, contemptuous, and selfish man that i have grown to think that i am. I have found that if i forgive myself for my actions, i can move on and continue to grow both mentally and spiritually. It is difficult, but i am sure that you will find peace one day. I still have not found another girlfriend and i still think about the abortion everyday; however, i believe that one day things will turn out right and i can continue to live out my life.
cheers!
April 17th, 2008 at 5:32 am
Sr Moderador,
Please take out my last comment i wrote to the wrong person. sorry!
Tks!
April 17th, 2008 at 9:36 am
I had an early term abortion about 2 years ago, and my husband had the same reaction- couldn’t make love to me. we almost ended it, and he wasn’t as great about it as you are. he shut it down and has never felt any sadness about it. but we have gone through conseling, which was key, and we are rebuilding trust. get counseling help! God speaks through his people- find the one who can help you both.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
I understand what you were dealing right now. Me and my husband deals with it when we were boyfriend and girlfriend but we manage to forgive ourselves both. At first you will suffer so much pain because it’s a gift fro God yet you abort it. We ask forgiveness and confess from it. We manage to surpass the problem and we take good care of each other.We already had two sons and still there are times that it will comeback but all you need to do pray for the child and hope it will bring peace and God embrace it. Talk to your girlfriend forgive one another and if time permits God gave you another continue with it and hope you both be financially, emotionally ready for it don’t repeat the mistake you made.
April 22nd, 2008 at 10:30 am
Take heart, it hurts now, but later you will see it was a very smart decision.
I had an abortion when I was too young to look after a child and it was very hard to go through at the time. But now I am happy with two beautiful children that I love to look after now that I am ready.
I do not believe in an intervening God, but if I did, I would think that he must have meant for me to wait until I was ready to have children. Why else would he have blessed me with the happiness I have now?
Be gentle and understanding with yourself, and look forward to the time when you can look after a child properly.
April 22nd, 2008 at 2:20 pm
This can either bring you closer, or apart. Nothing is as intimate as shared pain. Use this experience positively - make the most of your life starting NOW. There’s nothing you can change form what happend. Go on, but don’t forget… this will make you a better person.
I feel for you.
Good luck.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Hi,
I’m writing you because I can understand what your going through. I too had an abortion last month on March 11th, and it bothers me. I feel selfish because my boyfriend wanted to keep the baby but I didn’t. We were together for only 3 months and it just seemed wrong on so many levels to bring a child into this world that I know, I was going to struggle with. He came with me to the clinic, but as soon as it was over, things changed. We had a huge argument. He wouldn’t come see me for three weeks and he became so mean and cold to me. He completely shut off and alienated me. I truly felt it was because he didn’t know how to deal with it, and he wouldn’t talk about the situation. Instead of us going through the it together and making us stronger, we grew apart. I guess I hurt him, so he wanted to hurt me. I had a horrible break down during the three weeks I didn’t see him and I cried every single night. I felt so much pain and anger towards myself. I didn’t feel like the same girl, and to an extent I’m not. I have learned to forgive myself, but I still harbor pain and a deep sense of loss because of the decision I made. Its a very deep thing and I feel horrible that my ex, because we broke up too, has a lot of pain in his heart. Today we kind of talked about it, after I read your story, and I feel a little better knowing that he forgave me for what I’ve done. I’m sorry that your going through this, but just know that GOD loves and forgives. It may take a while for you to heal, but it starts with forgiving your self and understanding that GOD forgives you.
Love,
DeeDee
May 8th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Hey Ritcher,
I wouldn’t even imagine to understand how you feel. But I understand guilt and I know how guilt can eat into you destroying every single meaningful thing in your life. What I have to say is to move forward…. in your own time. Learn to forgive yourself and your mistake and live again.
Try listening to U2’s “Stuck in a Moment”. I hope the song reaches out to you because it has reached out to me in hard times.
Take care, Ritcher.
Renee, KL.