Dear God,
I don’t know where to start. This is so hard for me to say that I have never told another living soul. First, let me say that I’m a married man and that I have a wife and three children I love very much. Sometimes when I think how much I love them I wonder how it is that I do what I do. I’ve lied to myself so long about this there seems no point in lying to you, so I’ll just say it – I go to public toilets and have sex with men. It started seven years ago after my promotion. Since then I have gone almost every day and sometimes twice a day to a toilet near the base but sometimes I go to local park. I’ve tried to stop through willpower but I can’t. I have to admit that the excitement of it is too much to resist. I find everything about the experience a total turn on, from the anonymity to the danger and even the smell. I need to say that I’m straight. I am, I know that and I could never have a relationship with a man. I also know that I’m risking everything. I could be arrested or blackmailed and I worry all the time about AIDS. Why do I do this? Do I hate myself? I can’t see a psychologist. I can’t talk about this with anyone. Please, dear God, show me a way out of this.
Jim, San Diego
April 4th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Jim, God loves all his creations with all their perfections and imperfections as he made them in his image which is (Good)
He made everything in his likeness so it may go out an experience all there is.
Humans have the gift of free will and my chose their path as they see fit.
Harm no other including thyn own self.
live life to the full and try to have no regrets.
April 6th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Hi! Is normal your situation, you’re bisexual, i thinkj…. but you can take about the public places where you have sex with men, and something important, you must protect yourself about AIDS!!!.
April 6th, 2008 at 10:37 pm
getting caught is a good way out ???
April 7th, 2008 at 7:49 am
first of all: use condoms!!!! always !!!! you endanger not only yourself but others by not doing that!!!
second, and in a more simpathetic motion: it is a normal situation to doubt your sexuality, most of us go through that in our younger, teenage years or so. yet, for others, it comes in other periods of time, due to many reasons.
i do not believe that taking extreme meseurs to deal with this situation are nessecary at this point. if this “faze” does not end, or become less significant to you, i would reccmend seeing proffesinal help, and remember, they are sworn to secrecy!!!
having double lives might be frustrating at times, but if you look on more bright side of life, you get to enjoy more.
April 8th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Jim lets examine your situation logically.
I urge you to educate yourself on homosexuality. A great resource is the American Psychological Association page here: http://www.apa.org/topics/orientation.html According to the APA sexual orientation is not a choice, and not something that can be changed thru therapy. Additionally it is totally natural and normal.
I consider you as much a victim of our society as your family. I urge you to protect them by employing at the very least some sensible harm reduction. California and San Diego in particular regularly employ undercover officers in public spaces like toilets and parks. If you’re not able to curb your activity at least use places like CraigsList and numerous other online meeting places (regularly used by married men) as a way of protecting yourself and your family.
I’ll leave my advice at that as other posters have offered very helpful suggestions.
ps you’re not alone, I was there myself about 10 years ago as are countless thousands of other men. I wont lie to you and tell you it was a painless path but I’m better for it today as are my family.
April 8th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
jim, all i can say is you must be careful, you are seriously risking catching AIDS and what happens if you pass it on to your wife??
and you need to be honest with your self about your sexuality.
April 9th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Jim Man
God sees your struggle. Don’t give up hope.
First you have to realize you’re in an addiction to sex. Second, know that in our own strength and flesh we cannot win this thing. I know, I’ve been there. I was stuck in porn. It ate me up from inside. I too am married. But after 5 years Jesus set me free during and come-together with friends. They stood buy my as a Screamed my prayed. You know what it I said?
- God I don’t trust you to set med free! I’ve tried to believe you for this before but without result. But if you want to do it. do it. but don’t come looking for faith in my heart because there isn’t any!
Suddenly a strong presence filled my whole beeing. And believe it or not. 1&1/2 year later I’m still clean and above my surromstances.
You know what the key was? I was honest to myself. I didn’t have it in me and thats what I told God.Through that he It’s by the power of Jesus, not our own that it can happen. God knows you’re weak. He doesn’t count on your strength to get you free. he’s counting on his own strength. His Holy spirit can do it. So I speak freedom into your life. go to him and try him. call on His strength and not you’re own.
One last thing Jim. Tell your wife. Mine backed me up even though she was hurt. Two is better then one.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
jim,
hey man, the worst thing you can do is go this alone. you must tell someone that is willing to walk with you through this without judging you. (prayer for you): may the god who created everything with the words of his mouth, who hears the cries of his children set you free from this bondage. may you realize you are not alone and that there are people willing to walk with you through the wilderness to the freedom that god has for you.
peace.
jon
April 10th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Indian proverb: He who rides a tiger, must prepare to dismount.
I say this to reiterate that although your craving and desire brings much “excitement”, at some point in time you will have to live with all the consequences of your actions. You have somewhat taken the first step which is to realize and confess. Now you have to examine your heart and align it with what God wants for you. “Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”
April 10th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
Jim Jim Jim,
The sooner you realise that this is not something any god can help you with, the sooner you will come to terms with your sexuality. Your god condemns it so what makes you think that it might be ok if you say sorry. You run a GREAT risk of getting infected and spreading it to you innocent wife. I suggest professional help! Not a prayer group or a pastor or anything like that. They WILL judge you and you won’t gain anything going that route.
I don’t believe that there is anything wrong with homosexual or bisexual people. What I do think is wrong is the superstition and the fear around it.
Tell someone REAL or you’ll be very sorry very soon!!!
April 12th, 2008 at 2:23 am
Hey. Jim.
I believe you when you say that you are straight. I do. Let me tell you, your struggle doesn’t surprise me, but realize that stopping is obviously not an easy thing. The bible talks about people trying to stop doing things that they feel convicted to stop doing (sorry about that sentence). The bible says that a thief should use his hands to do something good. What does this mean? It’s kind of like the patch for smoking. A thief has been using hands to steal for years. It’s an addiction. To stop he needs to find a way to generate these feelings while doing something good. Then he’ll enjoy doing what is right. A smoker gets his nicotine from the patch rather than the cigarette. Then he feels like he doesn’t need to smoke. Why don’t you try sky diving? Or picking up trash next to a busy highway (that’s really not safe, but could be doing good). Maybe make love to your wife in a public place, or somewhere a little more exhilarating than hiding in your bedroom trying not to wake your children up. Try role playing. Try something exciting. Maybe your wife would be willing to have sex in a public restroom. Tell her its always been your fantasy. The idea is not to isolate yourself from your sexual feelings. You are a married man. It shouldn’t be that way. The idea is to redirect your feelings to something beneficial for you and for your wife.
SIr, I will say good luck. I’m praying for you. I really am. I’m sure there are a lot of people out there praying for you. God bless.
April 12th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Habit.
April 14th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Jim.
I know it is possible for you to quit this behavior because I have quit behavior that was contrary to my better judgement that and that was difficult for me to quit because of the pleasure, adrenalin and high my mid brain got from it.
So, please consider quitting this behavior- if that is really want you want to do -after all your sexual behavior is a personal thing.
Another thing is that you are not a victim. You have control over yourself. If there is a God - God gave you all you need to stop doing what you are doing and to use your libido in a manner which does not go against your better judgement.
Also- please use a condom.
Fourth check this site out :http://www.rational.org/ scroll down to the paragraph entitled- What Your Sex Beast® Really Wants
After you quit perhaps counseling or some kind of guidance and further information may be necessary. Please do not hesitate to avail yourself of professional help if you need help dealing with psychological problems.
I wish you all the best.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:49 am
As long as you wear condoms… baby!
Try to talk to someone because this situation it’s really putting you down.
I think It’s not your sexual orientation that’s making you go crazy, is that you can’t tell your wife.
You’re bissexual, it’s okay!!!! But talk to someone ( professional help would be more appropriate) or the demons wont go away.
Take care. Wish you all the best
April 15th, 2008 at 5:00 am
to Mistermast, addiction to porn and addiction to sex with random men is two totally opposite thing.
to Jim, only you can truly set yourself free. look within because i feel that you know what you have to do, but you’re in denial about it. counseling and therapy helps.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:23 am
is this Larry Craig?
April 15th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Homo or hetero- cheating on your wife is not a good thing.
Even if you were sleeping with women you could bring home an incurable disease to the woman who gave you your children.
Your life is your life, but in this age of STD’s, try to sleep with only one person. It’s better for your mind too.
Good luck, and remember the universe loves those who are true to themselves.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:44 am
My friend,dont be afraid.Never kiss with strage man and always use condoms.On the oral sex also.
This is no wrong,just do it smart or find partner incognito.
April 15th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Honey, a man can have sex with a man or a woman, if he convinces himself that he can, must or should. That doesn’t mean, however, that he equally appreciates either. You’re not bisexual, no one really is. Which do you like better, having sex with a man or with a woman? Dude, didn’t anyone tell you you can have a male partner, a boyfriend, a husband, whom you sleep with, have sex with, have dinner with, take vacations with, grow old with? Your kids will love to have a step-father (after all, stepmothers are very poorly represented in the stories we tell them!). Mine love theirs. Get yourself a nice boyfriend, marry him and live happily ever after. Only then will going to public restrooms be a choice, not a compulsion. And, your boyfriend may even accompany you, should he desire. Life ’s too short and God does want us to live full lives. Have you been living a full life?. Courage. Sterkte.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:30 am
Dear Jim,
If you’re having sex with men, then you’re gay. Well, maybe not fully gay but at least bisexual. Don’t fool yourself or even try to fool me.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Man,
It’s very simple: you’re risking the life of your wife.
It does not matter if you’re straight, gay or bi.
All it matters you have no right to risk someone else’s life. You might have very well already done irreparable harm to her. And there’s no forgiving for that.
Get smart. Use condoms. The rest is easy to fix by comparison.
Good luck!
April 16th, 2008 at 7:57 am
First, sex with random people is always dangerous — straight or gay, condom or not. However, if you can’t resist at the moment, use a condom or other similar STD barrier with any exchange of bodily fluids. Not plastic wrap or various chemicals that some people seem to think will work, but the real deal. Also, get yourself tested for STDs NOW. If you test positive for ANYTHING other than a yeast infection, you must come clean to your wife about your extramarital activities and how she needs to be tested for STDs as well.
Are you sure you’re not gay or bisexual? Do you find some men just walking down the street sexually attractive?
If yes, then you are at least bisexual at least in that you like sex with men and women, but prefer a real relationship with a woman as far as you know. You do not have to want a real relationship to be bisexual; you just have want to have sex with them. Accept it. You must talk to your wife — don’t go into heavy detail, but be clear about what you’ve been doing and what you want. She’s going to be hurt/angry at the betrayal of trust, infidelity, confusion of who she married anyway, and quite possibly disgusted. If she’s generally a tolerant woman concerning these things, she may still want to work things out. With counseling (because of the betrayal of trust/infidelity issues if nothing else), it is entirely possible that a solution can be worked out. If she is not the tolerant/understanding type, you may be looking at divorce… so prepare yourself accordingly, just to be safe.
If you are not sexually attracted to men just going about their business, then it may just be an addiction to the excitement — the forbidden, wrongness of it (for a straight man) that is exciting to you… the public places may also play a role in that. You may merely be bored and incredibiy frustrated with your current sex life with your wife. Talk to your wife about spicing up your sex life or increasing frequency at least — abstain from other activities and try to bring your appetite home to your wife. You may want to try “forbidden” things/activities at home (or elsewhere) with your wife and see if that does what you need. Don’t push her beyond what she is okay with, but she may want some new things too. If this doesn’t work, you may need addiction programs/therapy. Not to “cure” you of wanting men since that isn’t the problem, but to give you coping mechanisms to resist. Sometimes a simple change can radically change your life — for example, simply refusing to think or fantasize about it may dramatically decrease your desire to do it.
Even if you really are gay or bisexual, you do need to figure out a way to be monogamous or at least have exclusive and safe sexual relations.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Jim,
Please do not listen to harmful views that come from prejudicial sources and theories about homosexuality from right wing religious organisations - it will only make you beat yourself up more about who and what you are. You are a not a sinner, just simply a sexual person who is more lilkely bisexual than gay. Or it could be that you are really gay and have like all of us been brought up in a world that puts so much pressure on us to be straight. For whatever reason, out of love or social pressure you have married. Your situation is not unique. I assume that you come from a religious background and that your wife is not someone who could understand or tolerate your sexual interests in men? You don’t state the situation so I am just guessing. If you love your wife and wish to stay with her and not break up the family then really for this moment in time, at least while the children are young you have a moral responsibility to stick by them and be the husband and father you commited yourself to be. Maybe at a later stage when the children are adults you can assess the situation. But pretending that you can change your sexuality is nonsense and I know this from personal experience and also by having friends - mainly in the past - who are married but are still secretly gay. We all put ourselves in some kind of prison but hey that’s life, the thing is just to get on with it and try not to hurt others. The sexual urges will not disappear as if by magic or by any amount of will power in the world. But you can curb excessive sexual practices and practice safe sex which is imperative, particularly when you have a wife. There is no evidence to support any person having altered their sexuality. It’s not a thing that can be put on and off like a coat. But you can stop hating yourself for having these feelings and believing that you are a freak. You just happen to be a bisexual or gay man who happened to get married.
In the meantime seek help by contacting a non religious organistion such as a sexual counselling group. It can’t be taht difficult - as you found this wonderful site! What you need is support and to be able to talk to people who understand. If you don’t like the idea of physically going somewhere you can always contact a responsible one on a website. There are social groups too that are on the net. Going to toilets isn’t the brightest of things to do as it can result in public exposure, prosecution and humiliation. Not good for maintaining that family unit eh? If it’s sexual release you need then pornography may be a better solution. But you do need to talk - to like minded men and the last thing you need for your self esteem and self respect, if not sanity is to be listening to the bible bashers who preach that you are choosing to be this way. You’re not, you’re just choosing to have alfresco sex in this way. And that you can change. It’s not going to be easy to discover who are you, you’re probably in for the long haul but you don’t have a bad life as it happens. Cherish the fact that you have kids and a nice lifestyle. It’s more than most. Whether or not you believe that you may have to change your circumstances in the future really depends on if you have the courage enough to ask questions about yourself and seek help. Straight men in marriages who have casual affairs or visit prostitutes are doing no different then you for kicks. But maybe, who knows, it’s not just kicks that you need, but something more? Only time will tell. In the meantime practice safe sex and enjoy your kids. Why not try this website in the UK for help and advice? http://www.gmfa.org.uk/
April 17th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
I think you should tell your wife… And get her in on the action…
But if not, if theres no way that she will find out then don’t tell her. Why cause pain?
If its something you can’t control then don’t control it.
And don’t let people tell you your bisexual or gay.
If you say your not then your not.
How can Jim be gay if he loves his wife? Foolish people.
April 20th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Sarah, Jim can be gay if he finds men sexually attractive. If he has more sex with men than with his wife (by the looks of things), then he’s gay/bi. Seriously, not rocket science.
April 21st, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I feel for the position you’re in, but the first priority here must be the safety of your wife and children.
Every time you do this you risk passing on STD’s including HIV to your wife. Your ‘problem’ could kill her. No one deserves that.
Please love her enough to at least stop having sex with her. Better yet, tell her or leave her.
This can’t be good for your family.
You will feel relief when you’re no longer living a lie with your wife.
Please consider her and your children. This is not something you can continue to be selfish about.
May 3rd, 2008 at 6:16 am
Jim,
Many people here gave legitimate advice. Many don’t. I pray that you would have the wisdom to discern which is which.
First, If you love your wife and can’t stop, please use protection. You’re not only endangering your life but her life as well. STD’s are no laughing matter. Life is not something to gamble.
Second, I urge you to seek counseling if your desire to stop. You’re not alone in this. There is a solution. There is resolution. And there is a light at the end of tunnel. If you have the desire to stop, this is the first step. I also recommend that if you do seek counseling, you research the person you go to. Not everyone that calls themselves a therapist is the right one for you.
Third, you must believe in a God since you made this post. Don’t let others sway you in believing or not believing. Stay true. God loves you exactly where you’re at. He loves you in those dark places. He loves you more than you can imagine … and if the situation is too much to bear … hand it over to Him. Trust Him.
Sin only lasts for a season and when that season is over, all that is left is pain. Infidelity and lies lead to pain for you, your wife, your darling children … Let your love for them stamp out the carnal desire for sex.
Maybe your wife isn’t fulfilling your needs sexually so you feel the need to do this. If this is the case, talk to her about it. You would be surprised how willing many wives are to satisfy their husbands desires. Communication with her is key. Rekindle the romance. Rekindle the desire for her, the way you desired her when you first got married.
Either way, seek God’s face. Easier said than done, but no one said the right path would be the easy one.
All the best,
Kate.
May 4th, 2008 at 6:16 am
For get about this God crap you are bisexual, it happens. If YOU keep on having sex with other partners - doesn’t matter whether they are male or female YOU must protect yourself and your wife so use a condom.
May 8th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Please take a moment to consider your actions over the years. please consider your wife and your children if you were to contract AIDS. the hurt that it would cause and the emotional reprocussions are huge. Please consider this when you seem to get so excited you forget everything else. your excitement is tempory what you are doing to your family will be for life
May 9th, 2008 at 9:58 am
Ahhh, Dude, dude, dude. Hate to break it to you, but you’re NOT straight. Like me, you are most likely bi-sexual, and there is nothing wrong with that. Don’t let some book written by sheep herders over 2000 years ago tell you that you are evil because of it. A better, and somewhat safer place to explore your sexuality would be at a Gay Bath-house. At least you can get condoms and a room, and usually the guys there are fairly decent, and you won’t face being black-mailed or arrested. The public bathrooms and parks are definitely NOT safe! (Think Larry Craig!) I assure you, that if you are going there every day, it is only a matter of time before you get caught.
Should you tell your wife? That’s up to you. It depends on if you can live with yourself.
May 10th, 2008 at 4:04 pm
The smell ??!?
You mean the absolute stink of bathroom piss, shit, and germ ridden cum sprayed all over the place six ways to sunday?
Yuck.
May 24th, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Dear Jim,
I’m happy to read your lines. It’s great that you found the courage to say straight away what you feel and how you acte. It’s the first important step to free yourself. Now it’s said, sharing it with others means you are not alone anymore.You have send a clear message out to the universe and universe will give you the answers.
You say that you started having toilet sex with men seven years ago, right after your promotion… before did you ever had this fantasies or did it suddenly awake in you ? What did exactly happen at this moment ? did the promotion change anything in the relationship with your wife, any dispute, emotional shock… ? Did any memories from the past, your parents came back ?? Does this promotion have anything with your manhood, your authority, the image you have of yourself ?
Listen to yourself and don’t lie to you, it’s impossible anyway. Be calme and go deep inside your… don’t be afraid and be honest.
You ask, Why do I do this? Do I hate myself? No, you don’t hate yourself… you hate your enemy, the enemy inside of you. But this enemy is not really one, through him you realized how much you love your wife and family. And that’s wonderful ! So start also loving your enemy, it is your friend !! And ask, Do I love myself ?
The whole situation will tell you something, you just have to listen and learn. Nothing is permanant in this live, things are changing all the time.
But you are stuck in this situation, because you don’t want to accept it how it is… it makes you suffering but at the same time also feel confortable. But what makes you feel confortable and what does satisfie you ? are you really satisfied after having toilet sex. Or do you even suffer more ? what feeling is greater, the feeling of satisfaction or of suffering ? If you suffer more after, you must know it since all this years. So next time, before you will do the step, think about what you will get in the end !? stoping this habit and the accompaned suffering means real satisfaction, a satisfaction coming from your inside. The situation helps up to grow, to become stronger and yourself. GO FOR IT !!
P.S : I’m gay but I don’t fell bad about being gay or being not hetero, i think that’s not the point, not for you either. And I beleave that you are straight. I was a great pleasure for me to write to you.
May 30th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Jim,
I am so, so proud of you for posting your message. You hit that “submit comment” button and took the first step. I hope the responses you have received are helping. I think you have been given some sound advice already (in most of the posts) and I think you know what you need to do. Just take it a day at a time and keep moving forward as best you can. And, please, please use condoms from here on out and get yourself tested ASAP.
I’m will keep you and your family in my thoughts and send you love, light, and positive energy (my personal form of prayer).
Good luck, you CAN get through this.
June 8th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Being gay is OK. Killing your wife with AIDS is not. You will go to jail for it. Wear a rubber, get counselling, come out, start over.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:12 am
I believe when you say you are straight. I myself could never have a relatiosnhip with a female but I still have sex with them. I do believe however that if you truly do want your marrige to work, and you truly do want to be faithful to your wife and stop this HIGLY risky behaivor, you need to confess to your wife. You both need counsleing and you need to get an HIV test done on the both of you. Good luck and god bless.
August 21st, 2008 at 12:21 pm
it does not matter that it’s with men. i do not believe that homosexuality is sinful, but even if it was, the unbearable pain you must be causing your wife is the one thing that is absolutely inexusable…especially after so. much, time. If she knew the truth, I doubt you would be able to reconcile with her. but she deserves the truth, she really, really does.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
GOD IS THE JUDGE, AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. RIGHT NOW YOU ARE DECEIVED AND WHAT LOOKS RIGHT IS WRONG. YOUR WIFE AND KIDS ARE THE INNOCENT PARTIES IN THIS. REMEMBER THAT. I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE CAUGHT UP IN FEELINGS. YOU WILL REMAIN IN MY PRAYERS. BE HONEST WITH YOUR WIFE AND GET HELP. A LIE CANNOT TAKE HOLD IF YOU EXPOSE IT. YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY? TELL THE TRUTH. IT IS NOT RIGHT FOR YOU TO MAKE DECISIONS FOR HER.YOU ARE BEING UNFAITHFUL EITHER WAY YOU LOOK AT IT AND IT IS BREAKING YOUR VOWS AND GIVING THE DEVIL OPEN ACCESS TO YOUR MARRIAGE. GOD CAN HEAL ALL THE WRONG DESIRES AND MAKE THEM RIGHT BUT YOU HAVE TO BE TRUE. IF YOU LOVEYOUR FAMILY~YOU WILL. GOD BLESS YOU AND I WISH YOU THE BEST.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
well, maybe your gay?
October 13th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Dear Jim,
This is probably even more difficult for you because you are in the military, I don’t think anyone else caught that but being a military brat when you said near the base it was the biggest flag I saw. You also said your promotion seven years ago, if you are still in I’m assuming you have also received several more, regardless of being enlisted or officer your very living is being jeopardized by your secret. The life you’ve provided for your family, the years of time honored tradition, possibly even peoples lives, that all bears on your shoulders and rather then seeking solace in the Lord or your wife or your family you find your release in a dirty bathroom in a skeezy dive, putting everyone at risk. Homosexual or not doesn’t really matter, you are being very selfish and also running a dangerous game. You may pick the wrong guy one day and receive a beat down you wont be able to explain yourself out of or even worse a disease that could destroy you and your wife. Work on your infidelity issues, your responsibility qualms, and the high you get off of doing something so very taboo in such a strict and regimented culture then figure out where to go from there. Your wife has a right to know and the right to make a decision as to how to handle this. If you don’t want your career ruined and would like to continue providing for them consider a quite separation and a geobachelor until you figure things out for yourself.
Also if you just happen to be a man near a military base the taboo and such still applies, the high you get from having a secret still occurs ,the danger is still there, the disease is still relevant, its just irrelevant to your career. Pray to God, find a NON military confidant and accountability partner those might be small simple steps to take.
October 19th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SIN
we are totally free, yet we have to be responsible for our actions
October 27th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
I know what it is like to live with something you can never tell anyone. I have a problem kinda similar. I have a girlfriend that i love so much, but I cant resist men either. Im so scared for me and for her she doesnt deserve to be hurt like this. Sometimes i cant even look at myself in the mirror. I try to control myself but no matter how long I go I end up doing it again. My life is falling to peices and seems like it started that way. Maybe Im meant to be alone. Im falling apart and dont feel like there is anyone to save me. Im a college student and cant even afford school anymore. Im always broke and cant live this way anymore. Why is life so hard, no matter how hard I try I never seem to get it right. Please pray for me I need so much help and guideance. Lord I have failed you so much but I still need your help. please?
November 21st, 2008 at 7:59 am
first off, thats horrible, you need to rethink your life and forgive your father or whomever it was that tortured you mentally or physically, and just let go. having sex witih the same sex is not something god looks up to. In the book i read. maybe you have a different version. but honestly, if you feel more comfortable with men, go with them. if you have a guilty conscious about doing it, then STOP. simple as that, stay true to your wife and kids if you have them and you time will work everything out. trust me i have experimented and i felt it to be wrong, not for me. you do whats in your heart and soul. god speaks to us, yet we never give him the time to listen. just take some time off and try to listen harder and you will know whats right.
November 25th, 2008 at 2:44 am
I know what you’re feeling and I know what is attracting you. Its the excitement and the challenge and at the same time it fills something inside of you, something we didn’t get as young boys. Go to your father if you can and ask him what life was like for him when he was young. Get to know why he did the things that he did when he had you. After this you will need to change some things in your career. This is the place where we men find our identity. You will need a more challenging position, something you can realy sink your teeth into; boardom is your enemy. Also, have a talk with your girl friend and see how else she could satisfy you. It won’t be easy at first but it is possible and you will be amazed how willing she will be to satisfy you. Then get in tough with your spiritual side and read often. All these things will help but you will need to battle this till the end of your days. It does not mean you won’t be able to stop, you will. However, like any other addiction or stong attraction, you will need to treat this like a disease. You will need your medicine daily and you will need to find encouragement and support as well. The temptation will always be there but you need not give in to it. I speak from experience. My situation was exactly like yours.
November 25th, 2008 at 11:07 am
First of all Jim, Gods feelin’ kinda bummed. In fact, YOUR A JERK and a LIAR. How can you do this to your family and yourself. How dare you put your wife’s life at risk with something as serious as AIDS. Grow up and face the truth you coward. If you say you love your family, you can start really loving them by telling them the truth and stop being so selfish.
November 28th, 2008 at 5:04 am
Okay Jim.
There is some good advice here and some well… from another planet. By the looks of it your entry is from about 8 months ago.
If you have not taken some of the good advice here and taken the steps to stop your destructive behaviour, you need to do that immediately.
You absolutely do NOT love your family if you are selfishly indulging in irresponsible behaviour. Whether you do bring God into this or not, (and I suggest you do), see a psychiatrist. There is so much help out there, just start by seeking it.
This is very messed up for your family. The minute you take action, if you have not already, is the minute you will take this giant weight off your shoulders.
Whether or not you think your gay or not gay, what ever orientation you choose, it is destructive and cruel to do what you are doing and hurt other people…that you claim you love.
You are behaving like a coward, now stop whining and feeling sorry for yourself and take action to stop this. One way or another
this will come out, that is inevitable, I just pray to God that YOU not God, have not taken your childrens’ mother from them by giving her some horrible disease.
Sincerely, I hope you have already done something about this.
December 1st, 2008 at 11:18 pm
wear a condom, if you dont care about yourself, at least care about your wife and kids(if you have eny) i’ve seen to many families die because of irresponsabel fools like you.
January 6th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Hi!,
Mi advise to you is not to worry that much, you have taken a first step, and it is sharing your “problem” with others, taking it out of your system. If you assure you are straight i think you have to review wether the forbbiden things are the ones that atract you. If so, you may switch your sexual activity for another one that doesn’t make you feel so guilty.
Maybe, if you turn this activity into a not forbbiden one, you may stop feeling excited by it. You may talk to your wife and ask her to do outrageous things when having sex, like doing it in public sapaces etc…….
Don’t blame yourself for doing what you are doing, we all have sexual fantasies and most of us are not able to make them come truth due to fear of being pointed at……..you are doing it and for that i congratullate you……just take care of yourself using condoms.
January 9th, 2009 at 9:16 am
First, it is commendable that you are able to be honest with GOD. Congratulations, you took the first step.
I’m sorry but I can’t help feeling sorry for your wife. My dad cheated on my mom and gave her an STD. How unfair is that?? My parents got divorced and it screwed up the family. Yet, SHE has to pay for HIS sin!
You need to make a decision. There is NO way you can be a responsible Father and Husband doing what you’re doing. If you choose to continue in your sinful ways, then you MUST leave your wife and children, because torturing them is the WORST thing you can do. THE WORST. My father would beat my mother everyday. Yet when she filed for a divorce year after year, he refused. But he didn’t give up the abuse or the women, until the whole OJ Simpson issue gave women rights. 11 years later they got divorced, but why didn’t my dad just leave??? You need to leave your family if you want this lifestyle. Give your wife the opportunity to find happiness with another man who can treasure and value her, and respect her.
If you choose to honor your vows and keep your promise and BE A MAN OF INTEGRITY, then you need to do whatever is necessary to seek help for your condition. Going to a psych is the best option. Ultimately, you’re going to have to confess this to your wife. Your sin will find you out, that’s a guarantee. And how awful it would be for your wife to find out because you gave her a venereal disease?!
Your secret pleasure means deathly consequences to your entire family and the future of your children- emotionally. Think about your children! How do you think they’ll view relationships and marriage and trust when THEY get into a relationship? Don’t you want your kids to grow up emotionally as healthy as can be? You don’t want your daughters (if you have any) to be sluts, looking for that love that their father failed to give them (not suggesting you don’t love them). Your daughters, even sons, may have trust issues and I wouldn’t blame them one bit.
Look, what you are doing is wrong period. it’s wrong in the eyes of God and wrong if God wasn’t in the picture. The Point is, you know this. Now that you have accepted the error of your ways, a decision needs to take place. It’s January, so hopefully you’ve made a decision by now.
Seriously, God does love you and wants to help you. Only through Jesus Christ can this be accomplished. Because God can remove the desire. Please consider your family- PLEASE.
January 15th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Dude. You’re gay.
Gay. Gay. Gay.
It’s cool with me, but I don’t cheat on my wife twice a day with strange men.
No one cares that you like dick. We don’t want you to risk damaging your wife’s emotional and physical health. Get a therapist and work up a strategy for coming out of that closet.
Before you do, though, I suggest visiting Narnia, ’cause you’re so far in it’d be a short trip.
February 25th, 2009 at 2:50 am
Straight, gay, bisexual - whatever and who cares. Dude, get your head out of your rear end and wake up. Grow some balls and take charge of your life and your house because you have let it completely go. You need to sit down with yourself and have a serious talk. Are you going to let the police, an STD, or suicide be what ends this unworkable situation, or are you going to step up, be a man, and fix this - whether that means repairing your marriage and making amends or something else - that’s all up to you. But you can’t simply go on like this and whine about it as if you have no control over it.
March 1st, 2009 at 2:05 pm
I know this might be hard to hear but the ONLY way to get out is by speaking the truth. You can never go wrong with that. In addition I find meditation a great tool in resisting temptation. When I am tempted to do something wrong, I close my eyes, take 4-5 deep breadths and I just visualize and ponder on the goodness and beauty of God either through nature or through good deeds. I visualize all the possible good deeds I am capable of doing right now- helping an old woman cross the street; donating food money or clothes to the less fortunate, helping my children with their homework, hugging my wife and kids and telling them “I love them with all my heart, after that I feel the warmth of their hugs as if they were hugging me right now- and when I get to the end of my visualization I realize that what I am tempted to do pales in comparison to the happiness and joy I receive from doing good deeds. I feel God’s hand holding me and pulling me out of this dark cloud.
At first it might seem hard to do but with every attempt your will power will grow stronger and resisting temptation gets easier and easier. I pray that when you feel down, DO NOT voluntarily tempt yourself in order to feel better. Such pleasure is worth nothing in life and only brings you more sadness.
I pray this works for you as it has for me.
God Bless
March 26th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Jim,
I’ve read all the comments on this post and some are salient, some are slightly cruel, some I don’t agree with but all that is besides the point.
To me, it’s pretty obvious. if you are sexually aroused by men to the point where you’re visiting highly unhygenic public bathrooms twice a day to engage in anonymous sex, then sorry my love but you’re bisexual at best or just all out gay. You may try to convince yourself otherwise because of the stigmas attatched to homosexuality, but that s fact. you know it. the very fact that you had to come and say “I’m not gay” lets us all know that you know better.
Another obvious statement is that you have an ADDICTION. you need help. I;m not saying that to be cruel but it’s the truth. the fact of the matter is you know how dangerous what you’re doing is and how it would shatter the lives of those you claim to love but you do it anyway. For most people, that would just make them assholes, but you seem like you’re sincere in your guilt so an addiction seems more plausible in this case. that being said, stop being selfish and leave your wife alone. at least until you figure out why this started and how (or even IF) you plan to stop it. she and your children deserve to know the truth.
i do hope that God helps you and your family through this.
June 5th, 2009 at 3:07 am
Jim,
I am not writing to judge you. I am not writing to put your down.
I just want you to protect yourself when you are sleeping with these other men. Remember your wife, who is innocent in this whole thing.
Jim, you are addicted to the excitement and you are not stopping yourself on that fast track. Fast trains crash. Ask yourself, do you want to crash??
If you truly want to change. Tell your wife the truth. Tell her the truth. She deserves that much.
August 6th, 2009 at 7:15 am
Live authentically. It is the source of your power, your spirituality, even. Be what you were meant to be–And be the best you can be as your true self. Honesty is freedom–a kind of self-empowering liberation. It’s moral and right. It’s healthy. Your spiritual and mental health depend upon you living a life of integrity. Respect yourself and your wife and children by facing the facts and giving them the full story. It takes intelligence and courage. You’ll be a better man for it.
August 11th, 2009 at 5:40 am
You have a wife jim your putting everything on the line for a thrill. its not just about u your daughters your gonna lose them. you could lose your wife and u cant also earn an early death ticket unlike these other posters i have a problem with homosexuals in the bible it states no man shall sleep with another right in the second book Exodus u need help
-God have mecy on u
August 20th, 2009 at 4:57 pm
Jim, just being a lucky man i’d got you to read this! Maybe this will happend.
I don’t care if someone is straight, bissexual or gay. It doesen’t matter to me. On you, there’s something that may happen to many people at this world. The pressure opon you, to being so straight, because you’re married and have three children is so big. I know it’s too hard to tell it to someone, but you have to understand that talk to a psychologist is not a problem even it seems a challenge. I had already quit a psychologist, but after I got that would be good to me! And I discovered what I had wasn’t a problem…
Stop to listen people saying this is a problem because on the bible is written you must not have sex with men or you’ll die. There you can find god asking a man to kill his son just for fun! You have just to pay attention in your health! Mostly on AIDS.
After some time you’ll understand that YOU will solve this problem with your own will.