Dear God,
I wanna die today.
Anonymous, PhilippinesShare:
Dear God,
Watch over her parents. As much as I feel the grief of losing her I can’t begin to imagine the loss that they have felt. Now they have lost both of their children… lost the hope and dreams they held so dear for them… lost the sense of family that they had together. I want to hold her again, see her smile… but more than that I want them to do the same so that they can know that she is isn’t really gone and walks with them just as You do. One day I hope to understand your reasons. Michael - AustraliaShare:
Dear God,
You took my brother’s baby. It was cruel and horrible and painful and I don’t understand.
Nine months of the most perfect pregnancy. The day before she went into labor everything was fine; the doctor said it was just a matter of waiting. They were so excited, Lord. They’d read every book—and while some people may think they have, you know it was true in this instance. That’s just how they are.
You know he called me as soon as the contractions started. He kept careful count. He was so excited, and you know how he is, so stoic and quiet. But he couldn’t keep the joy from his voice—he was going to meet his son! And meet him he did. I saw the photos last night.
I saw that beautiful little baby boy in some sort of adorable macabre grandeur. I saw him dressed in the tiny blue outfit Mom bought him (her first grandchild!), clutching a teddy bear to his chest. His eyes were closed as if in slumber. But it was a lie. Andrew will never squirm and dream in that crib amidst a lingering scent of baby powder. He looked so peaceful and perfect in the pictures. Oh, how those photos deceive.
That beautiful little boy rested in his mother’s arms, her devoted husband holding her. It was picturesque. But I saw their faces, God. Grief and shock and utter despair. They had to hold their perfect little child—their baby boy—in their arms and know he’d never take a breath on Earth, never feel their embrace, never cry, never smile, never take a first step, never look upon their loving faces.
And the doctors can’t even tell them why. It just happened. There’s just no reason, they say. They’re right. There was no reason for you to take his life.
Did you see us remove the car seat from the car and hide it in the trunk today? Brother didn’t want her to be reminded. It’s silly, really. How do you forget holding your dead infant son in your arms?
And were you there when I looked upon the tiniest blue urn that was filled with the ashes of my only nephew? The nephew I’ll never hold or spoil or be the “crazy aunt” to. But I still got to love him—you can’t take that from me. You took him just like you took my stepsister’s child. Remember Tyler? Only 14, a great athlete, the whole world at his feet? Maybe Andrew and Tyler have met now. But I’m not sure I believe in Heaven anymore. At least not a Heaven filled with the souls of innocent children.
Brother would’ve been a great father—a bit overprotective perhaps, but great. Remember how he took care of my little brother and me when dad left? He was only eight years old then. Remember how he made us dinner and played games and told me there was no reason to be scared of the dark? And how he hatched that brilliant plan to stay up all night so I could finally see Santa Claus and not quit believing? He tried so hard to make my childhood last longer than his.
And Lord, you know how smart he is. PhD at 26, traveling the world talking about his research, fixing anything and everything without even a manual. He’s a genius. You know he’s hid behind his books all these years, but he’s so much more than smarts. People may look at him and see brains and computers and calculations, but he’s my big brother. He taught me how to fix a toilet, unclog a pipe and change my oil so I wouldn’t be one of those “clueless girls.” He giggles after a couple beers, eats entire pineapples, takes things apart just to see how they work, spoils his cats, and worships his wife.
And although she might have thought we were a little strange at first, his wife is an amazing woman with a strength I’ll never know. She takes board games a little too seriously, yes, but she goes through a book a day just like he does and she looks at my brotherin a way I hope to truly understand one day. Oh, God, how she loved that baby! She took prenatal vitamins, gave up her favorite Starbucks coffee, quit eating seafood, exercised, and read every baby book out there. Just like brother said at the service today: “She did everything right.”
But that wasn’t enough.
God, you had her deliver a baby that she knew would never laugh or cry or see her or know her or love her. She was told her baby was dead, but you still put her through the pain of labor, knowing no crying baby would emerge. The only cries she heard were her own.
I’ve never seen my big brother cry, Lord. He’s the strongest man I know. But he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for a child he’ll never know. It broke me, God. If anyone understands innocent suffering, it’s you, right? Why would you take Andrew from them after all this?After all our family has been through already? Andrew was going to be born into the kind of family we always wanted. A happy mother, a devoted father. He was going to have it all! But now he’s just ashes. He’s in a tiny urn, inside a velvet box, clutched to the chest of a sobbing woman and her husband who can’t be strong any longer.
I bet he had blue eyes just like his Mom and Dad.
Laura, Georgia/USAShare:
Dear God,
It’s been nine years since you took my brother away from me. I always stop and stare at people who look like him. Is it wrong of me to pretend that he still exists? I wasn’t in the room when they turned off the life support but I still have the image in my head of just before. Is it okay if I don’t forgive you any time soon for this?
I just miss my brother, and life’s getting lonely lately.
Joseph, Philadelphia/USA Share:
Dear God, Ryan Sneed, I’d known him for 10 years when you took him away, he was practically family. Dusty Steen, I’d known him for two years and loved his humor, depended on it somewhat to get me through the day.Cody Zitch, I’d known him for 10 years also and got a chance to talk to him the night before he hung himself from his banister, I’ll never forgive the pain he felt that cause him to leave us all to grieve. Mark Sherman, I’d known him for my whole 15 years of life, he didn’t deserve to die in that car accident, you should’ve called the drunk driver who hit him. Pearl Dollar, She’d known me before I’d known her, She was my great aunt, death of cancer… unfair disease, and the people you’ve placed on this earth called scientist who can’t cure it, I believe you should’ve taken them as well. Lindsey Nixon, I’d known her for 5 years, she was a beautiful girl, I wish she would’ve been driving safely though I believe we deserve her more than you do. Ken Buckler, he’d also known me before I was born, His wife and my mom were best friends and his oldest daughter is exactly to the day 3 years younger than my sister, and 3 months older than me. World’s greatest dad next to mine, heart attack?! I can give you 100 people who deserved to have one before him.Kelly Rochetto, I’d known her for 8 years. I wish she wouldn’t have been sitting on anyones lap or located in any vehicle without a seatbelt, I wish she could come back to see how amazingly priceless her life would be had she been in a safer car. George Grouell, 14 years of my life I’d known George …Cancer… my extended grandpa he did everything for me and my family, blessed me with more knowledge I’ll ever learn in a classroom, and you took him away. Angel on earth and In heaven. Tyler Steele, 4 years, a high school span, a college span, my best friend. You let him take his life and quit before you got a chance to fire him. I’d give anything for him back.Larry Partch, 10 years, extended family I loved him even though he was an alcoholic and I’d do anything to see him again, or better yet. Let my dad say goodbye to his own best friend, at least I got my chance.Donald (DJ) Jacobson, 4 years also, my second best friend you’ve taken away from me, those pills were no stronger than your fists, though you called him home. I wish I could have been contacted before he died, I hadn’t seen him in 3 months and the first time was in a Casket. I want him back.God, I’ve known you for my whole 16 years. They say you are the one who chooses how our lives pan out, how we live through you every day and your son died for our sins. I wish I wasn’t 16… And in the last 5 years lost 12 people. 9 of them have been under the age of 18. It’s not fair. Please quit it… choose someone else’s friends. I can’t take it anymore.
Capri, Nevada/USA Share:
Dear God,
My best friend killed himself on January 15th 2008. He was the best kid I know, and I don’t see any reason why he doesn’t deserve to be in heaven. But, everything I know about my faith says he’s burning in hell right now. You wouldn’t do that to such a good guy who happened to mess up one time, would you?Brandon, Indiana/USAShare:
Dear God, I dream of dying every night, but the dream keeps on going… then I wake up. When will you come get me? I feel like these dreams are horrible teases.
Emily, New York/USA
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Dear God,
One of us never got to grow up.
I dreamed that I saw her again a while back, and when I woke up my pillow was wet, because I cried tears. Real tears as she hugged me in the dream and said it was all a misunderstanding. Tears of happiness. She was an amazing girl, loved by many. But she never had the chance to become an adult.She died at the age of 17 with her dad. Her life was lost in an event that took 300,000 peoples lives. The Indian Ocean Tsunami of 2004.
I pray for all of them. But especially for her. I miss her.
Frederick, Stockholm/Sweden
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Dear God,
It’s been years since I last talked to you, probably since I was a child, and I kind of feel like an hypocrite for doing it again until now. My ex boyfriend just died. He, unlike me, was very close to you. That’s why I find his death so hard to understand. He was 24 and a faithful christian, and religion was the reason we ultimately broke up.
He never questioned your existence and I envy him for that, because I know that at the time of his death he felt comfort for knowing he was going to a better place.I pray for that to be true. I pray for him to be in a better place, a place where he can be reunited someday with his family he left behind. I don’t know if I will see him there, because if there is a heaven, I don’t know if I will be admitted. I pray to you, his God to give him peace, to give his family the strength to go through this, and maybe help me have a little faith in something, so when my time to go comes I can feel comfort too.
Gabriela Barreda - Tamaulipas, México
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