Dear God,
You took my brother’s baby. It was cruel and horrible and painful and I don’t understand.
Nine months of the most perfect pregnancy. The day before she went into labor everything was fine; the doctor said it was just a matter of waiting. They were so excited, Lord. They’d read every book—and while some people may think they have, you know it was true in this instance. That’s just how they are.
You know he called me as soon as the contractions started. He kept careful count. He was so excited, and you know how he is, so stoic and quiet. But he couldn’t keep the joy from his voice—he was going to meet his son! And meet him he did. I saw the photos last night.
I saw that beautiful little baby boy in some sort of adorable macabre grandeur. I saw him dressed in the tiny blue outfit Mom bought him (her first grandchild!), clutching a teddy bear to his chest. His eyes were closed as if in slumber. But it was a lie. Andrew will never squirm and dream in that crib amidst a lingering scent of baby powder. He looked so peaceful and perfect in the pictures. Oh, how those photos deceive.
That beautiful little boy rested in his mother’s arms, her devoted husband holding her. It was picturesque. But I saw their faces, God. Grief and shock and utter despair. They had to hold their perfect little child—their baby boy—in their arms and know he’d never take a breath on Earth, never feel their embrace, never cry, never smile, never take a first step, never look upon their loving faces.
And the doctors can’t even tell them why. It just happened. There’s just no reason, they say. They’re right. There was no reason for you to take his life.
Did you see us remove the car seat from the car and hide it in the trunk today? Brother didn’t want her to be reminded. It’s silly, really. How do you forget holding your dead infant son in your arms?
And were you there when I looked upon the tiniest blue urn that was filled with the ashes of my only nephew? The nephew I’ll never hold or spoil or be the “crazy aunt” to. But I still got to love him—you can’t take that from me. You took him just like you took my stepsister’s child. Remember Tyler? Only 14, a great athlete, the whole world at his feet? Maybe Andrew and Tyler have met now. But I’m not sure I believe in Heaven anymore. At least not a Heaven filled with the souls of innocent children.
Brother would’ve been a great father—a bit overprotective perhaps, but great. Remember how he took care of my little brother and me when dad left? He was only eight years old then. Remember how he made us dinner and played games and told me there was no reason to be scared of the dark? And how he hatched that brilliant plan to stay up all night so I could finally see Santa Claus and not quit believing? He tried so hard to make my childhood last longer than his.
And Lord, you know how smart he is. PhD at 26, traveling the world talking about his research, fixing anything and everything without even a manual. He’s a genius. You know he’s hid behind his books all these years, but he’s so much more than smarts. People may look at him and see brains and computers and calculations, but he’s my big brother. He taught me how to fix a toilet, unclog a pipe and change my oil so I wouldn’t be one of those “clueless girls.” He giggles after a couple beers, eats entire pineapples, takes things apart just to see how they work, spoils his cats, and worships his wife.
And although she might have thought we were a little strange at first, his wife is an amazing woman with a strength I’ll never know. She takes board games a little too seriously, yes, but she goes through a book a day just like he does and she looks at my brotherin a way I hope to truly understand one day. Oh, God, how she loved that baby! She took prenatal vitamins, gave up her favorite Starbucks coffee, quit eating seafood, exercised, and read every baby book out there. Just like brother said at the service today: “She did everything right.”
But that wasn’t enough.
God, you had her deliver a baby that she knew would never laugh or cry or see her or know her or love her. She was told her baby was dead, but you still put her through the pain of labor, knowing no crying baby would emerge. The only cries she heard were her own.
I’ve never seen my big brother cry, Lord. He’s the strongest man I know. But he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed for a child he’ll never know. It broke me, God. If anyone understands innocent suffering, it’s you, right? Why would you take Andrew from them after all this?After all our family has been through already? Andrew was going to be born into the kind of family we always wanted. A happy mother, a devoted father. He was going to have it all! But now he’s just ashes. He’s in a tiny urn, inside a velvet box, clutched to the chest of a sobbing woman and her husband who can’t be strong any longer.
I bet he had blue eyes just like his Mom and Dad.
Laura, Georgia/USA
May 23rd, 2008 at 2:56 am
A tragedy that one day it might be understood; maybe not by you, but perhaps by your brother or sister in law.
Peace for Andrew.
May 24th, 2008 at 1:01 am
I can’t begin to understand the pain you and your family are going through. As a person who is definitely convinced that the one true God is real and loves us, I don’t understand these things. I am experiencing, for the 5th time, something very similar. My good friend at age fourteen was diagnosed with a malignant brain stem tumor. His name is Josh. He is one of the most devoted followers of Christ I have ever met at his age. His entire family are devoted lovers of God, and yet 4 days ago, after an entire year of praying he died. It almost seems like God is playing games to. The tumor seemed to be in remission, after some experimental treatment it shrunk in size and josh was beginning to be himself again. Then out of nowhere it doubled in size and killed him. I can’t explain it, I wish God would tell me. This is the 5th friend of mine, that was an extreme follower of God, was prematurely taken. I can’t explain it and I wish I could. But I know this, even though God does allow things to happen I can’t explain and will probably never understand, He loves us. This is proven to you and me by sending his son Jesus to die for our wholeness. I am sorry for what your family is going through. It pains me so bad to here that it is not just my life that is being rocked by death. I pray so desperately that you and your family will find the grace and mercy to walk through this terrible time.
Copper
Grace and Peace
May 24th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I recently lost a nephew at the age of 3 weeks old, who never was allowed to leave his hospital room. The loss was a horrible tragedy that put grief on my entire family. For this reason, I understand that you all are in terrible pain. Still, understand that God does everything for a reason, and not only that, your prayer made it as if your brother is the only one that has ever lost a child. Please be more open minded to God’s plan. If you truly believe, then you will know that he already has these things mapped out. Though a rather unfortunate situation… I do feel that it is unfair that you give up hope for our God, when he has never given up hope on you- whether you believe in him or not. He is ever-loving and selfless, and although you may not be able to realize it now- he loves your entire family and wants great things for all of you: but it is in DUE TIME. be patient my friend.
May 26th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Please don’t think that my comment is in any way intended to trivialize what your family is going through, I simply can’t imagine that level of pain.
But your brother has the love of one of the most dedicated and adoring sisters that I have ever witnessed. The way you speak of him is so filled with gratitude for him, pure love for him and his lovely wife, and a true sense of pride and admiration for him… As unspeakable as his pain is right now, he must know that he is surrounded by your light and your love, which seems as complete and as true as any love there is. You are a wonderful person and you clearly have an enormous amount of love in your family and in your heart.
I know you will be blessed with another little person one day, and may you bestow all those hugely important values onto them.
I wish you well always, and hope that you experience this level of truth and love your whole life through.
With love and hope xxxx Nicki Australia
May 27th, 2008 at 12:26 am
There is no such thing as GOD. The so called ‘GOD” u pray to is just ur imagination and fantasies to give you hope. Everytime you go to god you ask him a favour, why? Because you want more than what you have or can do and you put your hope and faith into your fantasies.
May 27th, 2008 at 1:05 am
Alex seems angry and so are you.
Don’t hold the anger and fear over the death of your little nephew. It’s horrible, but forgive and love and your family will be full and life giving once again. Questioning death is futile. We all die. That’s why we were born. Holding anger over this is like trying to stop the sun from setting…
Forgiveness and love are what families are made of. Your brother is lucky to have such a loving sister. He can count the blessings many people don’t have or take time to recognize.
Let go of anger and fear, forgive what we don’t understand, that is the only way you’re family will be ready to accept more life.
And this is selfish, but thank you. You reminded me to appreciate the love of my family.
May 27th, 2008 at 11:43 am
I’m so sorry. Though that can’t do much to help.
I’m thinking of you and your family.
May 27th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
These are the tragedies that leave religion dumbstruck. The truth can only be two things: there is no God, or there is a God so cruel and beyond all pity or shame that He allows this sort of agony. This idea of ‘it’s all a great plan, this death is just one of many, don’t worry it’ll all come right in the end’ - it’s an insult to the grief and pain real people feel every day.
Forget this idea of God. There is no God. This post shows where the real love lies: in our families, in the human heart. Your love for your brother is so obvious and true, it shames the very idea of a God who would allow this terrible thing to happen. Your brother, Andrew, and your family are the victims of the randomness which is the real truth of our existence. But your post also shows that you are lucky enough to also have great reserves of love and compassion to call on. That’s where your strength is. That is the real way, the only truth and the clearest light.
May 28th, 2008 at 3:37 am
i’m so sorry. i’m somewhat right there with you, as my son is about to be born, and this is the thing I fear the most. I wouldn’t begin to insult your pain and say that there is some plan for it or something. I hate it when people say that crap.
I may not agree with Mike or Alex, but I do think that the love between family and friends that Mike is talking about is an example of how God loves us, like a father. I don’t know why this stuff happens, and I think it’s an insult to God to just write off God’s existence because things are hard. I heard a guy once say that God allows freedom while he maintains control, and I think that’s true, though it still doesn’t help explain this. I hope God gives you peace and solace in spite of this chapter of life, my heart breaks with you in your pain.
May 28th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Whoa. That girl on the picture? She’s my neighbour.
I’m so sorry for everything you and your family have been through.
May 28th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
You may feel pain but Andrew does not. The reason God takes the faithful and innocent “prematurely” is because he needs his angels with him.
June 1st, 2008 at 3:32 am
I think what Mike said in his 2nd paragraph was incredibly beautiful. The strength that humans have as a species - We go on. We grow, we adapt and WE GO ON.
June 4th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
There are no words..
June 19th, 2008 at 8:04 am
Wow. My brother lost his baby in Feb. She delivered stillborn…no laughs, no cries and no smile. Her little pink ashes are in a circular teddy bear box that he can’t bring himself to look in. He wasn’t even able to be there to see her in real life. She was born 22 inches, 6 lbs 9 onces. Kira had a head full of hair, blue-gray eyes, her fathers fingernails and was loved.
The doctors said that it was placental abruption. The placenta detached from the uterus and couldn’t supply the baby with what she needed anymore. So her mother delivered her…knowing.
I can’t express my grief. Her grief. His grief.
I found this poem…simplisitic but it helped. It was on a website dedicated to these types of happenings.
Don’t think of her
as gone away.
Don’t think of her as gone away,
Her journey has just begun.
Life holds so many facets,
This earth is only one.
Just think of her as resting,
From the sorrows and the tears.
In a place of warmth and comfort,
Where there are no days or years.
Think of how she must be wishing,
That we could know today,
How nothing but our sadness
Can really pass away.
And think of her as living,
In the hearts of those she touched.
For nothing loved is ever lost,
And Kira was loved so much!
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:39 am
Laura, Sometimes God allows things to happen for a reason; many times, the reason will never be known to us. God asks that we trust HIm. Baby Andrew is in heaven with God and those who trust Jesus, will someday see him there. God will give you all the help and comfort you need if you ask Him. He will NEVER let you down…..just trust Him!
June 30th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
Im sorry about what happend but there is a god and he takes away from all of us for a reason everything happens for a reason and you just have to learn to stop blaming god for bad things that happen in your life cause he is truly good.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:08 pm
what a beautifully written and bare naked honest piece of writing.
sad does not begin to describe this lesson in loss.
namaste.m
October 25th, 2008 at 1:26 am
There is no reason for the innocent and fragile to suffer and be deprived of the life that so many others do not deserve. There is no reason for war, for the death and terrible sickness of children, for pain and suffering, there is no reason for it, no reason for torture, manipulation, avarice, meanness, miserliness, destruction, waste. This is the place and circumstances we live in. Only through our own merits do we find joy and compassion in between.
There is no god, there is no life after death.
January 4th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
May I extend my condolences to you and your family for what these words are merely worth. As an individual who has experienced many losses of loved ones over the years; I can partly identify with the emotions surfacing within you. I have come to the realization that I have lost my faith in “God”, but developed faith in what we as humans are capable of achieving. Circumstances like this cause us to reflect deeply on an array of things. You have dedicated such thought to examining the fabulous qualitites your brother, sister-in-law, and family alike possess. You have also been able to articulate them with such strong emotion. A sense of emotion that is not often present in our everyday lives. It is the beauty of your words, the realized strength of your family, and the love that is bestowd upon those grieving that represents the light in the darkness. This light is something to focus your attention on, nuture and be greatful for.
February 3rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm
trust God even when you donnt understand him!!!…i also lost my brother 3 months ago, and i also said; WHY???…
you know why? because God send his only beloved son to die for us….
he was not selfish when send his son to die in the cross for us, so we must do so with ours even if we donnt understand WHY??…
February 11th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
I am so so sorry for this loss. God does all things for a reason. I’m sure he felt this baby was to good for earth. There are people with such spirit sometimes, that the world is not ready for. My father was such a man, God took him at 38 leaving me and my siblings with my mother. He did not believe, but he was too good for the earth. He could solve the worlds problems in a day if given the chance. He had a way of simplifying things and God felt that the world was not ready for that. The baby too must have shared this perfection of spirit in life.
February 26th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I am very sorry for your brother’s and your sister in law’s loss. I had lost 2 pregnancies and had to deliver the 2nd one as it was too big to have a D&C. My secon d baby died inside me and I didnt know at 17 weeks. I suffered another year of infertility and when I did conceive again I found out that my 3rd pregnancy was also doomed. My child had intrauterne growth retardation just like my 2nd and I was in grief. I Prayed so hard asking for mercy on my child that I would not lose her. After 2 weeks she grew miraculously. This pg was doomed from the start as I had to deliver her at 27 weeks at 528 grams. She spent 8 months in the NICU and my husband left me shortly as he could not accept a child on oxygen and possibly brain damaged in future. I struggled, cried and wondered what did I do and was it punishment for my sins. I did everything right - I did not smoke, I hate healthily so why me? I came to understand in time that God does things for his own reasons. I saw my ex husband as the one who will never go through thick and thin with me when the time comes and I don think I would like that in my old age. I saw the beauty of life and the meaning of unconditional love and selfless sacrifice. That little girl is now a survivor, a 7year old who cannot hear, who cannot talk but yet her charms and smiles brightens those who knows her. Her intelligence is amazing considering she was born with a brain bleed and deemed by the doctors to have potential brain damage. She learns fast and has better memory than all of us in the family. It is now through what she does you see and appreciate God’s grace and mercy and you appreciate life and people around you more and do not take them for granted.
I do not know why God took away your nephew and it seems senseless when you hear me say God has his plans. You or your brother or Sister in law will not see it now or not understand it now but later as life unravels itself, you will see that there is something to be learnt from it. Again my condolences - the pain of losing a child is beyond description.
June 24th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
God did not take your brother’s baby. Why is it so easy for people to blame God and then when they need Him they ask Him for help. Doesn’t that seem odd? God is not the enemy here. satan is. The Bible says satan is like a roaring lion seeking something to devour and that the power of this world (earth) is under that power and control of the evil one. Why? Because of the fall when Adam and Eve sinned against God and chose sin and satan and dealth entered the world. God hurts so much for the destruction that His creation faces every single day and satan does not care at all. he hurts, mames and kills anyone in amyway that he can. God is not responsible for this and I am sorry that it happened to you and that you feel this way. God loves you and wants the best for you.
July 9th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
I had a daughter that past away at the age of two, twenty three months of witch were spent suffering. It broke my heart to see her in pain day after day. I would be so depressed and she would do anything to get me to smile. Besides love physical pain is all she ever felt. The seven open heart surgerys didnt save her. God sure didnt seem to give a shit, i will never have a kid . I wont put my self through it again. Because who knows what kind of mood the great puppetier( god ) will be in !!!
November 14th, 2009 at 9:41 am
his name is Lucifer and he takes great joy in our miseries…this is his world but not for long he thinks he has won but he lost over 2000 years ago….he came as a lamb and was crucified but now HE WILL COME AS A LION…lookout lucifer your in deep trouble and it will last an eternity.
November 21st, 2009 at 11:09 pm
i recently lost my baby. my prayers and thoughts are with you