Dear God,
I pray because I’m lost.
I am from a small Aussie town. I went to boarding school as a child where, after a few years, began to be sexually abused by a teacher. I mentally tortured myself and wanted to die for years but finally told my family who will do anything to help me. I don’t know if I was confused before, but ever since the abuse I have been in a sexuality crisis. Now I am 25 and don’t know what or who am I am and live in constant guilt that if I was to go one way, I will be going against God. I have lost my faith in the church but haven’t lost my faith in God. I don’t think the Church and its institutions represent God and this is my only comfort. I research the Church and sexuality and the hypocrisy and arguments only fuel my confusion and anger. I try and rationalise how I feel but nothing helps. I take massive amounts of anti-depressants and sleeping tablets every night and then every day, stroll into work like nothing’s wrong.
Only a few of my closest friends know all of this and I want to run away to another country and start again. Sometimes I wonder if God did all this to test me, to see what sort of man I could become and to test my strength. Sometimes I think everything I’m doing is against God and my life will be judged severely. I moved to the city after boarding school where I felt no one would know me or judge me. I work in a very liberal industry but this doesn’t seem to bring me comfort.
I want to return home and help my Dad in the family business but feel that I would bring shame on the family if I did eventually decide that I was gay not straight. Everyone in town probably thinks it anyway so am I really saving anyone any embarrassment by living away? My family knows that I’m really confused and am struggling and are totally supportive. I just don’t want to embarrass them in a fundamentalist Christian town where everyone would judge my family and I. I loathe the thought of my very proud and traditional school finding out everything and thinking I am the one to blame or that I am an embarrassment to them. Even if they don’t know about the abuse, I hate the thought of all the other students finding out and taking delight in knowing their taunts of ‘faggot’ were accurate. I feel I’ve lost connection with my hometown because of all this and I feel I have no home and forever am lost and transient.
I wonder if the confusion, pain and problems will ever go away or whether I will end up sad, alone and angry. Am I being self absorbed and spoilt? Or do you feel my prayers are needed? I feel I can’t trust the church or its interpretations of Jesus. I feel like I am a disappointment in the Church’s eyes but hope, whomever I become, I won’t be a disappointment to Jesus. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could just stand up, grow up and get over it. It doesn’t seem that easy though. Please hear my prayers and guide me.
J - Australia
April 24th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
This post made me cry. I am Australian, and have lived in small towns. I know what that atmosphere is like.
J, you’re right. The church and its institutions do a horrible job of representing God. I am so sorry they’ve hurt you so badly. Jesus is not disappointed by you, just as he wasn’t disappointed by the woman at the well (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q49BbfgJbto). Jesus does not condemn, he gives life. My prayer is that you can come to a place where you are able to embrace that life without feeling the condemnation that you so have underservedly experienced.
April 24th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
You’re right to have lost your faith in the institution called christianity. I too love Jesus, but I am beginning to hate modern christianity. I don’t think that’s wrong. I think there’s good reason to. I think the Pharisees of Jesus’ time are not much different than most christians today. If Jesus showed up now he would call us hypocrites and vipers and then we’d probably just kill him again. Jesus and the people who new him were about freedom and compassion. Even paul who is wildly misinterpreted (especially in regards to his writings to Corinth on sexuality) says that we are free and that all things are permissible, even if all things aren’t good.
The Kingdom of God that Jesus talks about, a place where you are simply loved, exists. But you won’t usually find it in a church. The church is not buildings, its broken people that come together and, with God’s help, heal one another. I haven’t seen it very often, its mostly underground, but you know it when you find it. Keep knocking, keep asking, keep searching. If Jesus is who he says then you will find what you’re looking for. Try an AA meeting, that was the last place I saw it. Peace.
April 24th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I agree with Heather, Jesus came to gave life and not condemnation. Remember that NO MATTER WHAT, He always loves you
April 24th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
You’ve done nothing wrong, and you should be ashamed and embarrassed of nothing. God and Jesus would never turn you away, gay or straight. B. is right, the church has lost sight of what a real relationship with God is like. Find your own relationship with God, even in another denomination if you need to. But you don’t need to be in any special building to be with God. God is everywhere.
Your family sounds very strong and supportive. You are lucky to have them. Let them help you again as they have helped you in the past. You’ve tried doing this one your own, but that isn’t working, is it? And don’t worry about what the people in town say. You and your family don’t have to answer to them. I know things are hard for you right now, but I also know you are stronger than this. You will surprise yourself with how strong you are when you have no choice. Just be open to accept help in whatever form it may be.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Continue to seek Him and His strength. No matter what happens, He will always love You. Keep praying and I am sure you will receive your miracle soon. Take care.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
Dear J
It is no surprise to me that you are confused about your sexuality. It is because of the abuse you suffered. This is not your fault.
If you want to know about your sexuality then I think you will need to fall in love. Do not be confused by lust. When you fall in love with someone you love them for the whole person, not for what they can do for you. I hope this helps. You have suffered a lot and God wants you to be happy.
April 24th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
Dear J
Sexual abuse has to be about the worst crime because it destroys a whole life. The only way I could forgive is to say the person was a weakling, and demons made him do it. Not an excuse, but a reason that helped me cry some of the pain away.
Gay - straight - it’s about looking for love, filling holes in the life you had, trying to find someone who cares and understands. Sex is a way of binding that person to you. Because someone you trusted harmed you, and maybe even family life isn’t perfect, few are - it has meant the whole picture is screwed.
You can love people without having sex with them, to fulfil a need. I hope this helps you to think more about what is driving you, and how you can take control - God will help you! I know without any doubt that he suffered with you - just as your family would have if they could have seen what was happening, but could not help. Because God couldn’t help you avoid the experience - He made people, not robots who can’t love - but he can help you now, and will show you what to do without condemning you, because you know about the cross of Jesus.
Our church today has been infiltrated by the world - trying to be good without God’s help, trying to build security and gain power and fame and possessions. It’s happened before when things got too comfortable.
It may be so hard to believe that God could make something beautiful out of your life - but every step towards him will be applauded by the angels J…. Hang on and put your heart in his hands, and then follow it…
Please God, J so needs to reach you, so needs your help, create some mind healing miracles for J please Father - Deb
April 25th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Dear J , my heart goes out to you with your confusion and your pain. I disagree with the comments that the church has lost focus as we are the only representation of Christ on this earth.People are not perfect the only man who walked the earth who was without sin is Jesus himself.We are all sinners and are all flawed even when we don’t think we are.Christians are people too ,no wonder there are problems.There are probably people in your church that may be suffering what you are.You just don’t know they might be hiding the shame.Where as you are boldly facing it.
J my advice to you is to go to the throne-room of God. Seek his face. Jesus loves you so much.I know that one day you will be able to help many men who may be struggling with this issue. God loves you so much if you were the only man on the earth God will still have sent Jesus…. You are worthy and loved and bought at a great price.Nothing can separate you from the love of Christ Jesus. You have been set free from all of your sin the minute you ask for Jesus Christ to come into your life. If the people in your church or town do or say anything that is disrespectful to you then they have to answer to God. Remember you are a child of the Most High God. Forgive those who have persecuted you or wrongfully hurt you. The testimony that you can bring to encourage and strengthen others will be so powerful.Just remember you are amazing.
Thank you for sharing your testimony with me I encourage you to walk with him in peace. God Bless and keep you I will pray for God’s will in your life.
Love your sister in Christ,
Cher xxxxx
April 25th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I pray because I’m lost………….Stick out your hand and i will try too help you!
Greetings out of Europe!
April 25th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I’m also a male survivor of child sexual abuse. I experienced all of the confusions you are feeling.
I am now free of those and live comfortably in my own skin.
You are not alone.
I was able to do this through a programme run by the Royal Prince Alfred Hospitals sexual assault clinic.
A mens support group that tackles all of the issues that arise because of abuse.
Call them on 02-95153680 or call the hospital direct 02-95156111
Even if you don’t live in Sydney they will be able direct you to help
Good luck , don’t give up !
April 27th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
J my heart broke when I read your story. I pray that God will send his spirit and his peace- the sort of peace that we can’t understand. I also pray that you won’t fell condemned by those in your town.
Like Jody said, maybe there is a group that will be able to help you…I hope God will send someone who you can really confide in and who will support you through all this.
With love,
Lulu
April 27th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Dear J,
So sorry about this. Please don’t give into the fear the institutions disseminate. They are afraid of losing control, and anything that is different makes them insecure. So you are different. If you need to go to another place, do it - even if only for a while. You can always go back. There are many places in the world where gay people find they are not discrimintated against. I (straight girl) live in Europe and I absolutely love my gay friends. They live here freely and well-loved.
Please be sure that God loves you the way you are. This is the way he made you, and the way that you will make him proud.
Wishing you a lot of strength to find the freedom to follow your heart.
xxx
May 2nd, 2008 at 8:08 am
well.. I have to tell you.. that I dont thrust the church anymore..church is all about money.. they dont want you.. they want your money..
but I learn that i’m wrong.. you must go to the church because is there where you ”brothers” and ‘’sisters” will be, and together we’ll ”talk” to God.. pray.. do all this together.. because is that what God wants.. he wants to se all of us.. together.. in peace.
He dont want to see us saying bad things about the others.. or about the church. The church is the house of God, is there where he wants us to be, with him.
Dont stop having Faith in God, either the church.
Count me in!
May 8th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Its hard to think that such violence against a person, especially a child, would be tolerated still after centuries of people being told what is right and wrong. The law, whether or not it be a man made law or a spiritual law, will always be broken by men who don’t have faith. So, with this being said, I have to ask you, what is it that you truly believe in your heart? You have been through hell your whole life because of what has happened to you, and you have this wall up between you and the rest of the world because you don’t want to be condemned and labeled. In my utmost sincerity I want you to know that Jesus Christ loves you, and wants you to be a part of his family. I truly believe that your life, no matter how screwed up it has been,is marked for God’s use, because there are millions of people around the world who have struggled and are still struggling with the pain of abuse, and are waiting to hear your voice. But you have got to break free from the past to get to where you need to be. you may not be a conventional Christian, and I don’ t think Christ wants you to be. But you have got to know Him For yourself, and forget what the people around you are saying or not saying. Get the Message Bible (yes its called the Message Bible), and read for yourself how Christ lived, died, and wants to be with and for you for eternity. Gotta go–but know that I am trusting that deliverance is yours if you truly want it. You can be a free man in Christ if you let Christ into your life!! God Bless, Kams
May 9th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Querido irmão, sou brasileira, nem entendo muito de ingles, más traduzi seu depoimento e fiquei tocada em responder-lhe.
Sei que tudo que passou fou uma terrivel experiencia, e lhe trouxe feridas, más querido irmão, não importa onde voce parou,importa mais como voce vai prosseguir.Voce é mais importante que qualquer coisa neste mundo, tem muito valor, e não pense que Deus esteve longe de voce,use sua fé e ame a Deus sobre qualquer coisa, mesmo na temperstade, mesmo nas dificuldades, saiba que o sol nasce e seu dia de ser feliz é hoje.
Comece uma nova etapa e nao deixe que nada lhe impeça de servir a Deus e ser feliz.
Deus lhe abençoe.
May 13th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
hey J, i don’t have much to say about the church all i can say is, we all have been given the same spirit and it’s not up to us to judge or to decide what is right in terms of how it suits us even if we are in the process, misinterpreting the word of God, i think the first step you need to take is to stop judging and feeling sorry for yourself as i think that these are two things that stop you from actually doing anything to come to terms with what happened to you. because in essence, what you keep telling yourself or what you keep thinking people think about you (like how you think you will be are an embarrassment……) will eventually appear to be true to you, you will feel like everyone thinks that you are these things and you basically are giving room to such things to happen. Finally, will all have our issues, it’s so great to know that the people who are closest to you are supporting you (your family) and that they know and understand what you are going through.
Do not, therefore allow people to define who you are, do not let them choose who you are suppose to be and all that kinda thing we are all created in God’s image, that has not and will never change, it’s up to you to find out who you really are in God your creator and in the process please ask the Holy Spirit to guide you when you read the word of God so that you can get what God wants to say to you about you, putting aside all what YOU and all the other people think about your identity!!
Love
k (South Africa)
May 29th, 2008 at 12:49 am
Dear J
I know something of what you are going through, running away is not the answer (I know, I tried it. I got very lonely- it didn’t realy solve or help anything. but I guess it gave me a little time out.) I ended up going back and being a bit more honest about who I am. Something that God taught me is that we can not know love, the way he wants us to, unless we let ourselves be loved for who we really are. Your family and friends would miss you if you moved away. Gay or not.. you are YOU and you are loved. Those who don’t love another for any reason have a wedge that comes between their own self. You are (sorry) not the whole attention of the town you live in, every person has their own problems. You are lovely, and you are fine- hold your head up, you are who you are and there’s no reason that you should despair because of that.. good future to you.
April 14th, 2009 at 3:12 am
Assalamualaikum
then start believeing in Allah
(God)
and do what he said
obey him by worshipping him
the almight one
pray
islam is not a fake religion
think of it as a renewed version of christianity and judaism, (those 2 religions wer tru at the time but the words and messages got distorted) however islam is true till this day, the quran read that its never beeen changes never will be
the quran words are the same as 1000 years ago thats a miracle in itself.
believe in Allah s.w.t
we believe in one god, he has no son or partner hes just one.
allah s,w.t
plz learn about islam the only religion that is fully true
September 6th, 2009 at 11:05 am
You hate religion but love God? You have pierced the myth of the church and are at least one step but probably a few lightyears closer to Jesus and God.