Dear God,
I have your cross on my arm….. but I refuse to walk back into one of your churches. It has been over a year since I attempted to go to church again.. I made it to the door, and than turned around and walked away. I promise it is not you that I walked away from that night. It was all the judgment, and the holier-than-thou attitudes.
I made the decision to level with people. To step off my pedestal and just be there amongst them. Just be me. Without any intentions of preaching to them, or changing them. That is what I did for the last year… I stopped being a Christian and just tried to love You, and others.
I cannot say that I have been happy this year. Cause honestly, I really have not. You know the details. But it has been a real year, with real people. No one using me to please you. The people I have around me now are genuine, and when they help me… it is because they truly want to. Not because they are doing it to get points with You. So it has not been an astounding year, so what? It has been genuine.
I have not read the Bible everyday, or really at all. There are things in it that I think of everyday… and of course i get chills.
I still feel you. I know you are walking beside me. The other day I was sitting in a restaurant… and I knew you were there. I turned and looked at where your eyes would be. I just stared. It was so calming to look at you.
That means something. That fact that I know you are there tells me that You still love me, even though I have left the church.
So yes, you are on my arm. I love that you are on my arm. You are on my heart, and my mind. Your name is branded on my soul…. by me. Cause I want your name there.
I love thinking of you. I promise I will always be following you. Just not back to them. Not to church. I know You are there too…. but the judgment kills me. Frankly, it turns me off, and makes me want to go make trouble. I do not want to do that either.
Thank You for all you have taught me, I have learned so much. You bless me everyday.
I am here, and I love You.
Bets - California/USA Share:
August 19th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
This is so me too! Thanks for writing this and putting all my feelings into words, Bets. I’m in it with you.
NS
August 19th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
You left the building, but you ain’t left the Body…. you’re not GOING to church, you’re learnin’ to BE the Church.
August 21st, 2008 at 12:39 am
Maybe, just maybe the church isn’t a perfect body for Christ the perfect head. maybe the church is full of people who struggle everyday with sin and are saved but still working out their salvation? Maybe the church is a body of people who sometimes get it wrong but are moving forward into the Kingdom of God and spreading his Gospel? Just because one extension didn’t work doesn’t mean you give up on the whole body. The church needs you Bets.
August 21st, 2008 at 3:58 am
There are so many different churches Bets. Fellowship is important…the building you fellowship in is not. I once heard a saying: If you think you have found the perfect church, join it.” My pastor once said; “The church makes mistakes because it is run by man.” People can be harsh and sometimes cruel. God does not judge you the way people do. He knows you already. I believe it’s important to fellowship with other believers, but I also believe it is important to be yourself…God made you perfect…just the way he wanted to make you. People are going to judge. Many times it’s their own insecurity that makes them this way. Be strong in the love of Christ and know that He loves you just the way you are.
August 21st, 2008 at 3:38 pm
You’re on exactly the same journey as thousands - you’re not alone. I’ve met many of them through my blog, and they are incredible people. The life of exile is an amazing journey.
August 22nd, 2008 at 12:45 am
We share the same journey and perspective. I left my church because of the way they see and accuse other people who are not in line with their Vision. Their judgements makes me sick and they claim that they are the only TRUE christians but I feel that they are only preaching and sharing the Gospel because that’s what their superiors told them to… not because they do it out of love.
I’m very happy of this entry… exactly what I have in my heart… =D
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:32 am
“be the change you seek…” - Ghandi
I can’t imagine what this world would be like if everyone walked out on that which they found to be imperfect
September 3rd, 2008 at 2:17 pm
I have been in church all my life. My mother is a Reverened; with additional family throughout clergy. I have myself been scarred by my church home and other congregations. Life is hard; Im 25 and it all seems to be tumbling down on me. I slipped; drugs; preferences, my risks. It all came to a head on my daughters 6th birthday(4/7), I thought I was having a heart attack; I prayed to GOD that I dont die on her birthday; he came through….. On my 25th birthday because I dont do church politics; I had what I called the sweet sixteen party I never had: A Pajamas & Jesus sleepover. We Laughed, We Cried, We Encouraged one another. Without the actual church house, we fellowshipped gave praise to the Lord Saviour JESUS CHRIST; we had church. Everybody including myself were ultra blessed, ushering me into my 25th. Be encouraged, church is were you have it.
September 4th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
A coal removed from the fire cannot glow.
Net is right. There is a church where you belong; otherwise, God wouldn’t have told us to be in fellowship with other believers (Hebrews 10:25). It is upon you to reach out and find this church. He will help you, and I will pray for you.
September 4th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
I feel exactly the same
September 5th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
I know exactly how you feel. I had a year last year with real genuine people and after going back to the church and getting involved, people I have met at church have to be the biggest hypocrites i have ever met. Serving during the mass every Sunday and they live a double life of alcoholism and clubbing and treating people terribly. I’m going through the same as you and feel the same as you. You’re not alone.
I’m happy to know I’m not the only person feeling this way. It just seems like it when everybody around you is fake and is too afraid to express they’re REAL feelings.
September 13th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
hi sorry you feel that way, but to be honest you sound just like one of those judgemental holier than thou people that you yourself discribe. I’m not judging you, nor do i want to, this is just my observation. sometime we do the thing that we ourselves don’t like other doing to us. ????could that be the case with you??? I don’t know, only you and God do.
September 28th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
What you wrote was beautiful. I absolutely agree on what you said about the Church and that is why I do not like getting involved with Church; people can be so judgmental and hypocritical, but this will never mean that I am walking away from God.
It’s good to know that I am not alone…
September 30th, 2008 at 10:50 am
after 9 1/2 years away from the body, i’m starting my journey back. one thing i know is that the body will be a disappointment. since my departure i have come to the realization that satan doesn’t need bad movies, bad tv or bad presidents to steer people away from the church - church members are their own worst enemy. rather than build up and support, they always tear down, they always compare against the perfect and point to the defect, they always act different than they talk or “believe”. church members who are asked to be in the world but not of the world are typically as ingrained and satiated with the world as everyone else. here’s a kicker…prior to my 9 /12 year suspension, i was one of them. i taught. i preached. i worked at converting others. and now i look back and ask: to what did i convert others to? did my teachings outscream my actions? i’m sure the answer is a resounding NO. i was one of those i now wonder about. BUT HERE IS THE TWIST… everyone who wrote (above) recognizes what the church SHOULD be. one quoted… “be the change you seek” but instead how about this: be the change god has allowed you to SEE. running away, not fellowshiping, being “your own church”… that will not help heal the body… that will not glorify our great god and savior… that will restore nothing. if we believe the things written above, if we know the DIFFERENCE don’t you think god would be best served if we found a way to use this enlightment to to turn his people back to him? it’s ironic that some of us had to leave him to find him, but now that he has granted us this, we owe him all the more