Dear God,
For years, I struggled with a faith that was forced on me by people without a clear idea of what it was you were.
When they finally let go of their own faith, I was able to shed all forms of religion and man-made belief. I could pursue a career that had been completely banned; read books and watch movies without condemnation. I’m still trying to eradicate the last shreds of that overpowering control from my life.
It took me a long time to stop blaming myself for everything that’s happened. It took me even longer to work up the courage to blame you instead.
And now, it’s taking every ounce of me to just write this, to say that, while I never, ever want to be constricted by religion in my life once more, I want to stop hating you.
I want to be able to walk past a church and not shudder; hear someone thank god for their success without internally mocking them. I want to be the person everyone believes me to be: accepting of everyone, from every culture and religion. I don’t want to boil with hatred at the act of recieving a religious pamphlet on the street.
So here it is, my last prayer. Not that you change everything, not that you take away all the hurt that you’ve caused.
But that I can move on with my life.
Thank you.
Anon/Australia Share:
September 16th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Hello Anon !
I have a question. How did GOD, caused you everything you are talking about ? How did you get to that conclusion, when you clearly, I mean you CLEARLY specified in the first phrase: “a faith that was forced on me by people” !!
Believe me, I know what it means to be forced to follow a “saint” tradition, a “saint” considered religion. It is called fanatism. If the “church” says that, or “some” people do that, you have to follow it blindly.
For who has an open mind, that is CRAZY. But, there are few trully crazy people in this world, and their word is a merely a silent shout among the all screaming and shouting.
God is silent on the outside. He doesn’t write, speak, give comments. He is talking inside each of us through those things called conscience, mind, spirit. And people who do not use these, can not hear his voice. For them, touching, seeing, tasting, feeling, is more important.
So, I’m sorry to say, but, your too far to reach.. yet !!
You’re not crazy enough !! You’re just one of the many…
September 17th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
You are such a role model to me Anon. I need to work on this too. I want to love everyone for their indivuality, and for being different. Thank you for this note. It’s made me feel so good.
September 17th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
i understand how you feel,
sometimes i feel the same way too…
as in tho i’m in chruch i still wondering who is this that i’m serving…
all i kno now that He’s too is too real to be fake…
thank you for this note…
i’m waking up feeling blue but you sort of made my day =)
September 18th, 2008 at 4:09 am
Thanks for your prayer - it sounds like the desires of your heart are right at a place where God can speak to you. So don’t let this be your last prayer - let it be your first on a new journey!
What has helped me to grow close to God in spite of all of the baggage that seems to go with many churches and human expectations has been to get to know Jesus. To just read the stories of Jesus in the Bible and try to see what he must really be like and what was going on in him as these events unfolded helped me to see how “God is Love” can be true and “God loves me” can be true even though the circumstances of life rarely bear that out. Among other things, Jesus entered a culture steeped in man-made religious oppression, and he confronted that at times, but mostly he went about changing people and letting the establishment be.
I hope you can continue to come to God and be honest with him about where you are at and what you need. It’s amazing to me, but God has such patience and love for us that he will allow us to blame him and hate him and bang our head against him for as long as we need to, and then he is still there to come as close as we will let him when we are ready. Hang in there and don’t give up.
September 18th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” John 1:1-5
And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.” John 3:19-21
Jesus said: “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” John 8:12
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. James 4:7-8
1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:1-3
What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
I will pray for your salvation.
September 19th, 2008 at 1:33 am
Hey Anon!
Hmm… very interesting prayer, but I don’t really understand it though.
)
I don’t mean to be offensive but yea, sometimes it sucks to be forced into practicing a religion…
but God didn’t create all those different religions that separate people from one another,
I think religion is more of a product of human progress and history.
(I think my attitude is kinda similar to the first person who commented
Anyway, I am not saying you are wrong or you are not making any sense.
I respect the difference in our opinions and there are different things in life that make people think differently…
but I just hope you understand even though you did not like your religion,
there is certainly something beautiful in every religion…
it makes us see beyond day to day life and understand there is something greater than human;
there is someone in the universe, whose name is worth praising.
September 19th, 2008 at 2:34 am
It’s a great post that you’ve written, most of us can probably relate to some of it at some stage in our lives..
I think it’s all about balance.. You need to find out where you fit into it all without becoming a religious nutter (you know, the type of person who starts sentences at work with “According to Ezekial 10….” when you’re talking about lunch !…) and without becoming cynical of God.
I try to live my life as a realist. I know what I believe, I’m happy to hear what others have to say, but I don’t take everything to heart. Easier said than done, I know! Anyway, good luck to you and I hope things work out…. You can rely on prayer
-Ross
September 19th, 2008 at 11:28 am
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. I HAVE NO ONE IN MY FAMILY THAT BELIEVES IN CHRIST AND I AM THE FIRST ONE TO GET SAVED. THEY ARE INTO DRUGS AND EVERYTHING ELSE. NOTHING IS LONG LIVED. I NEED TO FEEL AT HOME WITH A CHURCH THAT ACTUALLY LOVES WHAT GOD LOVES AND HATES WHAT GOD HATES. I HAVE BEEN HURT BY MANY SAINTS AND CHURCHES. SOMETHING AWEFUL. I FEEL AS THOUGH THAT THIS IS MY LAST PRAYER AS WELL. I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO CHURCH AND I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO OUR FATHER NO MORE BECAUSE HE WOULD NOT STOP THE MADNESS IN THE CHURCH. I COME FROM A HATEFUL HURT FAMILY AND TO ENTER THE FAMILY OF CHRIST AND GET THE SAME ABUSE IS A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH FOR MY HEART TO BEAR. I WANT OUT!
September 21st, 2008 at 1:16 am
I loved this post and this blog.
Nice weekend.
September 21st, 2008 at 4:21 am
Who says you have a religion to be close to God? And who said God has given up on you? I cursed in Gods, face and told Him I pledge alliegance to Satan, and that Satan had a hold of me now. And you know what… he still spoke to me. He still called me to Him. I’ve been following God ever since. Its now been 9 years. Yea I’m like you “god” was forced on me, so I ran with what I “thought god was”. So I left, and found out who and what God was on my own.
He doesn’t want you in a religion that is the farthest thing he wants you from. He went into the temples and beat “religious folk” with a rope he made out of pieces of string he found. He said he would crush the skulls of anyone that came against one of his Children…. now.. does that sound like the kind of God who wants you to suffer, who wants you to be “religious”?
No where in the bible does it say “…don’t read ilicit books or go see R rated movies…” Yeah, it does say don’t fill you mind with things wrongful desires. But it all comes down to your heart. What does your heart desire when you read or see these things. Because I can look at another girl and say wow she is incredibly gorgeous… does that make me a lesbian, no… looking at the same girl and thinking about wanting to have sex with her, yea that makes me a lesbian.
He doesn’t want us to enter a building and stand up, sit down, read some hymnal, repeat a word, hug people and say “peace be with you”… he just wants a relationship. He wants to know you, and for you to know him. Like a best friend.
God is still trying to talk to you, he’s been talking to you from the beginning… and honestly you won’t listen.
Hun, I hope I helped you some what. Please contact me if you still have questions.
-Kenz
kenziethede@hotmail.com
September 25th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
At the end of the day, 20, 30, 40 years down….
You’ll find Him standing on the same spot, all the while, waiting for you, ready to accept.
:]
God bless for the days ahead!
September 26th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
If you want to love everyone and every religion… do.
As simple and hard as that.
Laugh and don’t take life too seriously
September 27th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Why so serious?
October 4th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Religion was forced on me as well by people who had a very misconceived idea of Christianity. I think it has scarred me. As much as I don’t want to blame my parents or the past….sometimes I’m just tired of being strong. I feel no one understands me & can’t tell anyone about my past.
I just wanted to say I understand what you’re going through & you may have bad days, but that’s probably just a part of life.
I hope we both find our place in this world & are happy with who we are & where we came from.
October 8th, 2008 at 7:42 am
dear anon
I didn’t bother reading all the comments, I was too heart broken by your prayer. I’m still crying not because I was offended in any way but because I’m so sad that you were hurt by The religious monster called “christianity”. I’ve walked with God for 6 years counting today but before i hated him for many more. Anon there is a difference between knowing and walking with the kindess person i’ve ever come to know and religion. Jesus was not a fan of the guys shouting “turn or burn!’ on street corners either. I pray that this won’t be your last prayer but be the last time you care what man thinks to be godly…
October 9th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
i know this feeling. i’m in the middle of it. the worst part is that if you want to discuss it with someone they nearly always have a religious bias. and if you try to bring up a few ideas that deviate from their rigid perception of ‘god’ you are likely to offend. so i feel alone.
i wish i believed what everyone else did and had no questions. i wish i were able to accept what i was told. but my critical mind will not let me, no matter how hard i try.
this void in understanding is insatiable. i am willing to accept that. but to accept something with obvious inconsistencies is beyond me.
i have an indelible revelation of god’s existence. but that is as far as it goes.
the fact that i struggle with accepting the divinity of jesus causes division between my family and i. this is what causes most heartache.
i wish that people were more open to discuss religion without taking offense. because it hurts to be alone and ostracized just because you need more conviction.
November 15th, 2008 at 7:27 am
I just found this site today. You are the first for me to read. I encourage you to continue to pray….. not for anything or anyone else but you. It IS in the silence you will hear the whispers. Event for you to document for the world to see… opened doors for others to share their comments but more importantly their prayers for you is HUGE. I DON’T KNOW YOU… But I am taking this moment to pray for you and that you will find peace… Peace be with you!!! God is in everthing…. religion is only a small place and unfortunately it the only place a lot of people know to look for HIM! =)