Dear God,
I don’t know where to start. I feel so lost, destroyed and hopeless. After 18 years, my husband left me and my two children. I give you thanks because at least he tries to be in their lives as much as possible. But, dear Lord, I’m hurting so badly. I miss my husband …his friendship, his companionship, his sense of humor and his love for family. I know I really messed up my marriage with my attitude, anger, jealousy and my depression; but dear Lord, I’m sorry…I am truly sorry. Please touch my husband’s heart and soul that he come back home to his family and me. I’ve asked for his forgiveness and asked him to come back. He can’t seem to forgive me and I don’t blame him. I’m sorry dear Lord…I’m sorry.
Irene Sanchez, Riverside, CA USAShare:
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Dear Irene,
It is difficult to give advice from the outside - not really knowing all the facts. If you say that you messed up your marriage with your attitude, anger, jealousy and depression the best way to get your husband back is to change these things. It is important to get help and change yourself in these aspect and it will prove to your husband that you are really serious with wanting him back.
If you get help things will become better - no matter whether your husband return to the family or not.
Wish you the best,
Kerstin
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:08 am
Dear Irene,
Only you God and your husband really know the truth. When children are involved you need only to look around and see the total destruction of what happens to family’s that have been broken up. Its really not about you, its all about your children. You need to keep praying and to beg, crawl, plead or what ever it takes to ask your husband to come back to you and the children. You need to change and pray to God that your husband will have a change of heart as well so the both of you who created two little ones lives can be protected from the evil that awaits them.
Peace
October 4th, 2008 at 1:52 am
my daddy left me when i was 14…
i thought it was because something i did… but today, i’m 24 and i see that it was nothing I did… it was what he wanted…
I’m back on my feet… kinda crippled but still..walking…
u should walk too!
God bless you!
October 4th, 2008 at 6:47 am
honestly,i feel so ignored,so insignificant,so abandoned.
October 5th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Confronting oneself in aloneness is fearful and it is painful, and one has to suffer it. Nothing should be done to avoid it, nothing should be done to divert the mind and nothing should be done to escape from it. One has to suffer it and go through it. This suffering and this pain is just a good sign that you are near a new birth, because every birth is preceded by pain. It cannot be avoided and it should not be avoided because it is part of your growth.
But why is this pain there?
This should be understood because understanding will help you to go through it, and if you go through it knowingly you will come out of it more easily and sooner.
Why is there pain when you are alone? The first thing is that your ego gets ill. Your ego can exist only with others. It has grown in relationship, it cannot exist alone. So if the situation is one in which it can exist no more, it feels suffocated; it feels just on the verge of death. This is the deepest suffering. You feel as if you are dying. But it is not you who is dying, only the ego, which you have taken to be yourself, with which you have become identified. It cannot exist because it has been given to you by others. It is a contribution. When you leave others you cannot carry it with you.
So in aloneness all that you know about yourself will fall; by and by it will disappear. You can prolong your ego for a certain period — and that too you will have to do through imagination — but you cannot prolong it for long. Without society you are uprooted; the soil is not there from where to get food. This is the basic pain.
You are no longer sure who you are: you are just a dispersing personality, a dissolving personality. But this is good, because unless this false you disappears the real cannot emerge. Unless you are completely washed and become clean again the real cannot emerge.
This false you is occupying the throne. It must be dethroned. By living in solitude all that is false can go. And all that is given by society is false. Really, all that is given is false; all that is born with you is real. All that is you by yourself, not contributed by someone else, is real, authentic. But the false must go and the false is a great investment. You have invested so much in it; you have been looking after it so much; all your hopes hang on it. So when it starts dissolving you will feel fearful, afraid and trembling: “What are you doing to yourself? You are destroying your whole life, the whole structure.”
There will be fear. But you have to go through this fear; only then will you become fearless. I don’t say you will become brave, no. I say you will become fearless.
Bravery is just part of fear. Howsoever brave you are, the fear is hidden behind. I say “fearless.” You will not be brave; there is no need to be brave when there is no fear. Both bravery and fear become irrelevant. They are aspects of the same coin. So your brave men are nothing but you standing on your head. Your bravery is hidden within you and your fear is on the surface; their fear is hidden within and their bravery is on the surface. So when you are alone you are very brave. When you think about something you are very brave, but when a real situation comes you are fearful.
One becomes fearless only when one has gone through the deepest fear of all — that is the dissolving of the ego, the dissolving of the image and the dissolving of the personality.
This is death because you don’t know if a new life is going to emerge from it. During the process you will know only death. Only when you are dead as you are, as the false entity, only then will you know that death was just a door to immortality. But that will be at the end; during the process you are simply dying.
Everything that you cherished so much is being taken away from you — your personality, your ideas, all that you thought was beautiful. All is leaving you. You are being denuded. All the roles and robes are being taken away. In the process fear will be there, but this fear is basic, necessary and inevitable — one has to pass through it. You should understand it but don’t try to avoid it, don’t try to escape from it because every escape will bring you back again. You will move back into the personality.
Those who go into deep silence and solitude, they always ask me, “There will be fear, so what to do?” I tell them not to do anything, just to live the fear.
If trembling comes, tremble. Why prevent it? If an inner fear is there and you are shaking with it, shake with it. Don’t do anything. Allow it to happen. It will go by itself. If you avoid it …and you can avoid it. You can start chanting “Ram, Ram, Ram”; you can cling to a mantra so that your mind is diverted. You will be pacified and the fear will not be there; you have pushed it into the unconscious. It was coming out — which was good, you were going to be free from it — it was leaving you and when it leaves you, you will tremble.
That is natural because from every cell of the body and of the mind, some energy that has always been there pushed down is leaving. There will be a shaking and a trembling; it will be just like an earthquake. The whole soul will be disturbed by it. But let it be. Don’t do anything. That is my advice. Don’t even chant. Don’t try to do anything with it because all that you can do will again be suppression. Just by allowing it to be, by letting it be, it will leave you — and when it has left, you will be altogether a different man.
October 6th, 2008 at 5:45 am
I’ve heard some goody things about this blog. The content has really been useful a great balance of text and pictures.
October 6th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Dear Irene,
I can tell you when you talk to God with all your heart, and honestly, He will hear you. Talk with him as much as you can, tell him all you fell, and all you think (He already knows, but appreciatte when you do so)……ask him for forgiveness (Of you think you have to)….and start forviging yourself….and forgiving your housband. I do not know your problems, but as my experience can say, these simple advises may help you…..good luck.
Dear Cielo,
Is there anyone like you in the world??….do you know that your DNA is unique???….God expended his time and power making of you an special and unique person in the world. Nobody was like you, nobody is like you, and nobody will like you never. Do not forget that in your darknest moments. Maybe some people around you do noy see it, but it does not mean you are not. Regards…and God bless you.
JORGE
October 9th, 2008 at 5:54 am
irene,
my heart breaks for you. i am so sorry that you are in this chapter of your life.
i’m sorry that this stuff hurts so badly. so deep.
like the others, i don’t know your circumstances, and i don’t want to trivialize your situation, nor do i want to guarantee you that “fixing” things will bring your marriage back. but know that God weeps with you. When you are depressed and feel alone, God is sitting beside you mourning your loss with you. And in that, I pray you find some peace. Maybe not the peace you want, but at least know that peace is there for you.
In the words of Robbie Seay, “keep on dreaming of the day when it all will change, believe in the end Love wins.”
You’re in my prayers.
October 10th, 2008 at 1:02 am
The best way to get him to come back is to show him a happy home. Stop begging stop crying and being depressesd (easy for me to say). When he sees what he’s always wanted then he’ll return. And if not you will have a happy home without him it is possible.
October 10th, 2008 at 4:51 am
dear irene,
i am in the same situation as you do right now… the different is, he’s still only my boyfriend…. from the first time in my life, i believe that i found someone who will be the father of my children… but something came up, i’ve made mistake, i snap and i hurt his pride… he’s already gave me warnings, but i ignored him…. and suddenly he left me…. i guess regretion always comes late…. but better late than never… it’s been 5 month, and i’m still praying in tears… that gulty feelings, thats what makes me cry everyday…. we still care about each other, but i don’t know why, he seems cannot forget how i hurt him…. but deep in my heart, i know that God will bring him back… my heart tells me so… and i know there is nothing impossible in Jesus….
so irene, just pray… and believe, that someday God will bring your husband back…. we don’t have the power to change someone, but He can…. the Holy Spirit will touch your husband heart, and he will come home with you and your children…
October 20th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
TALK WITH YOU EVERY MOMENT YO NEED, USE WORDS THAT GIVE YOU HOPE, HAPINESS AND FUN, BECAUSE WORDS HAVE A LOOT OF NUTRITION FACTS THAT GIVE YOU LIFE
November 8th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Dear Irene,
I live in Antigo, WI & I have a Friend Jim Zimmerman who is looking for Irene Sanchez from Riverside CA ,She is the love of his life. They were in the Navy together in the 90’s She was born in 1971, if this is you or you know how to contact her please contact me at gynene2002@yahoo.com.
November 10th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Irene, sweet, sweet lady . . . its NOT YOUR FAULT! Truly! C’mon. You gave him children, which is what all men want in the world . . . pass along the family name, if you will. Sis, guys just don’t get it. Men have been placed on the face of our earth to procreate, and us girls are left alone to raise the brood. You know what? You’re a good lady, raising your kids, and you don’t need such a weak man in your life. I know . . . this is not what you want to hear. But Irene, you can move forward, find another GREAT father for your kids, someone that will honor and love you, and love your kids. That other guy . . . he’s the one that lost out!
I love you and your kids. You are a wonderful WOMAN and MOTHER, and I think you’re fabulous!
November 17th, 2008 at 12:36 am
Hi
I am in the same position as u. My husband did the same. I know your pain and grief. I am so sorry. I pray every day that he will realise I am a good person. We are all selfish and like u I had a jealous nature and depressive streak. Have u ever asked yourself why? I agree with the previous post whole heartedly. He is the one that is being selfish. So you were jealous and depressed. In a marriage that should be worked on. I see a counsellor now who has told me I am not at fault and my husband deflected all his attitudes on me.
I pray to God and do feel his presence. Every evening I listen to music and feel His presence near me. It gives me comfort and I know he will never let me down. It is hard and the pain is unbearable but if it wasnt for God I don’t know what I would do. I believe there is a reason for everything. God has a plan for you because he loves you. You deserve better as do I. Yes I still love my husband and cry all the time. My 3 children are hurting too and I find watching families together painful. ,Men are selfish and immature- especially in their 40’s. I too was married for 18 yrs. I have lost all my dreams and my trust for the man I thought loved me has gone. God will never fail you. Keep praying and crying. God is with u even in the darkest moments of your life. Take care. I am so sorry for you. Love Kitty.
November 24th, 2008 at 6:27 am
IM SO GLAD I STUMBLED UPON THIS - I HAVE BEEN FEELING SO DOWN- I WAS ALSO WITH MY HUSBAND FOR 18 YEARS AND HE HAS LEFT- I CRY ALL THE TIME AND I DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING- WE HAVE 2 KIDS AND ONE OF THEM IS A 1YR OLD- WE SEPARATED WHILE I WAS PREGNANT BUT IT STILL FEELS AS IF HE JUST LEFT YESTERDAY- HE SAYS HE DOESNT WANT A DIVORCE BUT HE IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE- HE HIDES IT BUT I BELIEVE HE IS LIVING WITH THIS OTHER WOMAN- MY HEART ACHES ALL THE TIME- IM NOT DATING AND I FEEL SO SAD- EVERYONE TELLS ME TO PRAY AND ASK GOD TO TOUCH MY HUSBAND- MY HUSBAND WAS FILLED WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT AS A YOUNG BOY AND KNOWS THE BIBLE- SO HE IS AWARE WHAT HE IS DOING IS WRONG- BUT HE SAID ITS THE PLACE HE IS IN RIGHT NOW AND HE MADE A DECISION TO LEAVE SO HE IS STICKING BY IT AND HE HASNT MADE A DECISION TO COME BACK YET- WHENEVER I SEE HIM IM CRYING AND ASKING HIM ABOUT THIS OTHER WOMAN AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW HE COULD DO THIS TO ME- I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO- I FEEL LIKE IM GOING CRAZY- PLEASE HELP
November 25th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Dear Tonya
My heart aches for you. My husband left me two years ago (after 14 years of marriage)and I too was in shock. I thought we were perfect together. It took me a while to realize that there was another woman involved. I was left with unpaid bills, maxed out credit cards etc. Finally, after crying my eyes out then becoming numb, I realized that only time and faith would take care of the problem. I found a website -www.charlynecares.com that helped immensely. My husband would not talk to me without becoming angry-telling me he never loved me etc etc.. I finally stopped trying to convince him that we should try again etc. I totally pulled back and now he is beginning to act like himself again. We are finally planning on going to a counsellor etc. I still believe that he is seeing this other woman(who is married) I have no idea how this will work out. But I can tell you this - pray for him, leave him alone as much as possible, pull away and spend as much time as you can in the word - find a Bible study group and a couple of woman to pray with you. I finally understand puptting God first-not your husband. Do not count on your husband - count on your faith. After all the hurt and pain the last two years have brought- I would not ever go back to how I was-being dependent on my husband for my happiness and inner joy . God did NOT create us to count on another human being for our inner peace. Another person will NEVER give that to us. God will take away the things we use for our security to make us come to him. He took away all the idols I was worshipping-from my career - to my bank account- and my husband. I finally get it now. I am much stronger than I was. If I think that my husband and I can be in a God centered marriage maybe we can work things out. If not - I would rather let this relationship go - it’s simply not worth the pain. You WILL find peace and solitutde without your husband being there if you give this time. Eventually you will prefer this peace over the strife -only then can you decide what you really want to do. You will not feel like you feel now forever - consider this a huge wake-up call in your life for how you want to live the rest of your life. Choose peace - be calm - pray- and know that this was foretold by Christ himself when he said that we will all have trouble and sorrow on this earth. This a special part of your life plan - not a mistake - it is very important to learn from this - god is letting you be chisseled into something beautiful. It hurts while it’s happening-but we only learn from pain. Do not be afraid - you will be ok. and better than you ever could be without this happening- and your husband will see this too. Blessings and you can do this-many of us have-and are better for it. Do not be afraid of this other woman either - do not be afraid of anything………and check out Charlyne Cares……Kathy
November 26th, 2008 at 3:02 am
Hi Everyone
I have just read the above and only found out this month that my husband of 25 years cheated on me in August with some cheap tramp on a golfing vacation with 19 other chums. When I found out & then realised he was still in contact with her even although they live hundreds of miles away from each other, I cannot describe the hurt that I am feeling inside, When he eventually spoke about it he said he was the only one out of the 20 to cheat on his wife, which made me feel, well I do not know. I have since found out that there was a good few marries men on the holiday who cheated but none of there wives know. I want to call every one of them to let them know that it was not a golfing vacation, is this normal how can I make the anger go away???? Does anyone know. Please help me. So many emotions running around just now. We have three older kids who are still at home and disgusted that there father hurt us all this way. His reasoning is that the opportunity was there.
November 30th, 2008 at 11:38 am
My husband left 3 months after my mother died and on the day of my cousin’s funeral. No warning no note no nothing. A few days later he states he couldn’t hurt us anymore. He has had multiple affairs,left the church , gambling and involved with alcohol. I feel like I am living a nightmare. We have 2 children at home . I do best when I don’t speak to him . He lies all the time, swears he is not seeing anyone right now- I do not believe him. He is arrogant and I am angry. He still pays the bills and upkeeps the house. He says he is not ready for a divorce but all signs lead to this. I am angry that I try so hard to live my life as close to Christ as humanly possible. I am not a saint and I have issues to work on such as control. But noone deserves this. Our child was planned and my worst fear is that she will grow up without a father. I know that he has to return to God before anything else can go right. It is hard to watch a person know the right thing but choose the wrong. My mother’s sudden death has proven that you don’t know when you will leave this earth- so be prepared. LORD HELP.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:44 pm
My husband left me 8 months ago after 8 years of marriage and a 2 year old son. He left while I was at work one night and took my son and most of our belongings in the house. He said he left because I told him to. He had nothing to do with me the last 2 years of our marriage and slept in other rooms of the house to avoid me. My self esteem was at rock bottom. He swears he is having no affair yet was keeping his cell phone on him at all times. He was having women from his workplace texting and calling him yet said it was only work related issues and nothing more. The next day after moving out, he wanted to work things out with me and move back in or have me move in with him. We tried some counseling but ended up fighting more and not resolving anything. I quit going. He wants us to work out but I feel as if I would have to swallow every last bit of pride I have left to take him back. I am depressed. I cry a lot. I don’t leave the house if I don’t have to. I don’t know what to do. I hurt so much inside and especially now around the holidays. I want my son to have both parents but is it worth my unhappiness? He says he wants me back but never for the reasons I hope to hear. I can’t give much advice on this type of situation to anyone else, seeing that I am going through it and unsure as to what to do. I wish you all the best. Keep praying. I’m a firm believer that he hears us. They may not be the answers we want but he delivers! Hugs!
December 11th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I am in your plae right now. My husband wants to leave after Christmas. We have pushed each other away. I love my husband and want him to stay, but I don’t know what else to do. My children will be crushed. How do we move on?
January 7th, 2009 at 6:10 am
I am going through exactly the same thing as all of you out there. It is absolutely amazing. I am so down, my husband left me a year ago and there had been periods this year where I had been hopeful he’d come back but now it looks like there is no way. It is so hurtful, he comes to see the kids but has no interest in seeing me and tries to not be around me. I still love him and this is breaking my heart. I can’t eat or sleep. I have two children and they are both being affected by t his. My son cried on the phone last night for my husband to come tuck him in. He went to bed crying. He is the sweetest boy and my heart breaks. My daughter has depression and I am so depressed I can’t help her. I try to be strong and I am trying to trust God but I feel all alone. I wake each morning hoping my husband has come to his senses but it never happens. We were married for 15 years. I also have no career as I have been a stay at home mom. I am living in fear right now.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
My husband age 61 and I am 55 and after 23 years of marriage (seconds for both) he walked out in June. He became very distant in March 2007 and I kept asking what the matter was. But he only sat with his arms folded in his chair every night and wouldn’t discuss anything. We decided to go away in July 4 for 4 days but he would not discuss his issues or be close to me. He just kept saying he was unhappy. In August that year (our anniversary) he told me he was unhappy, didn’t love me and couldn’t manufacture love. He assured me there wasn’t another person, but was quite able to blame me for everything wrong in the relationship. He started to hide things and started to leave for weekends at a time. I suggested counceling and he refused. In Oct he took off his wedding band and moved out of our bedroom and in Nov he saw a lawyer for his rights. By Feb the relationship was quite distressed and I began to protect myself as far as money was concerned; bank accounts and my paycheck. Once again I suggested councelling, but he would not have anyone tell him what to think. In May he decided he needed a vacation for himself , came home and then announced he couldn’t take it any more and left. Once moving out he told me I could not change the locks. He waited until Aug to start divorce proceedings and at the same time I changed the locks which very much surprised him. But my attorney advised that I was within my rights.
He became very selfish, distant and seemed to change personality as if he is going thru a late mlc. I have prayed and understand that I did make many mistakes in 23 years , but I believe that noone is perfect and in marriage one needs to offer forgiveness. I still love him, but he will in no way own up to any problems and am in counceling. He left his first marrage afte 3 years and he had a baby which when he left the baby was only 3 months old. I met him 4 years later so I really didn’t get the full explanation for that breakup. I probably would not have realized at that time anyway and really didn’t ask any questions about it but his wife seemed to confirm his actions during the years of our marriage with angry calls and court. I am trying to move forward but it is extremely hard, I have come to the point where I don’t want to see him and have not really been in contact except thru a few emails.
Fortunately I have some very close friends that I am very thankful for that have been so kind as my family is quite busy and some have passed on so for the most part I have no one close any longer.
For those of you that this is happening to, appreciate that you are young enough to begin again. At 55 it’s getting short of time for that.
The absolute hole in my heart is now closed, but I still long for him and most likely will always do so and I feel that time is not there for me to repair this damage evn though I know that I am being helped thru this desparate time and I believe that God is in control of it now.
January 14th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Its all somehow related- My husband left me and our two girls a couple of days before christmas. He blames all of our problems on me and what I did wrong. We have been together almost 7 years, and this all came out of no where. He says he’s unhappy ( has been for awhile), refuses counsiling, “doesn’t know if he can do it anymore”, keeps telling me that I’m pushing him too much- he doesn’t talk to me at all. And I have to try to console our 5 yr old that misses her daddy, when I feel like I cant even stand up by myself let alone take care of our 5 yr. and our 7 month old. I dont know what to do? How can someone just switch like that ? I dont know anymore….
January 18th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
My husband and I have six great kids. Two live on their own now, but I still have four boys at home. One month before Christmas, I caught him in a big financial lie. He’d been threatening to leave for six years and I guess this was his cue to actually do it. “The lie is just a symptom of the disease that is our marriage,” he said, and then moved in with his parents. My hubby and I are in our early forties and have been married for 24 years. I work full time. He’s addicted to dilaudid due to chronic pain and has been impossible to live with: mood swings, irrational behaviour, verbally abusive. The kids and I have all suffered, always waiting for those clear moments when he becomes the man we still love and remember. Those moments are getting rarer and I started ‘”nagging” that he should go into rehab so he could deal with his issues. I guess this only added to our “disease” and he couldn’t take it anymore. Now, seven weeks later, he wants to move back in to our home because, a) he pays the mortgage, and b) because he can’t afford to live on his own. Not because he loves us or misses us. Not because he wants a future with us. Just because he’s broke and probably can’t afford his drugs anymore . My question is, does God require I take this man back? And do I really need to leave my home?
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:01 am
My husband also left me and my two girls after 17 years of marriage after I asked him to stop secret relationship with a woman in regards to his deep spritual experience he had where he ‘died’. He was adamant about the woman being a ‘twin soul’. I will write more soon; if Cliff is out there, please contact me in regards to something you wrote.
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:02 am
Also, he tried to leave before christmas, he rocked and meditated on christmas then after christmas he left.
January 24th, 2009 at 7:41 am
The only advice that I can give to anyone out here going through this pain of divorce or separation is to totally rely on God. I know that right now from experience a divorce just totally wrecks your self esteem, confidence, trust and ability to even get up in the morning let alone being left with the responsibility of comforting a child or children- when you have to deal with your own broken, depressed emotions. After 6 yrs of marriage a 5 yr old son and being a stay home mom partially- It came to my attention now that no matter what I have done good in this marriage counts for nothing because in my spouses mind I hold no value because I had no financial value to him. The word of God tells us the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy- and boy does he on our marriages and families. He deceives and turn things upside down- and what do we do- we give up on our marriages and families- it’s time that we stand up as spouses and fight with the spiritual weapon called prayer and have and ask God to intervene for us- because He is against the breakup of a family and against divorce. We need to get back to God in prayer, fasting and humbling ourselves- put the anger, hurt and pride aside. Yes family and friends may call us crazy and desperate- but since when do you give up something that is rightfully yours- which is your marriage and family.
How many times in the past year has my prodigal spouse said I will never…. and through prayer the never has changed. God is the same yesterday today and the future. It’s time that we stand up on Gods promise and fight back in prayer- stop giving up our families and marriages- to statistics and allowing our children to suffer because we would rather give up and settle for the custody money and alimony money- what are we teaching them? give up and not fight for what is right? Our children need us to stand up for them to have a family to grow up in full of peace, joy and love- which is possible when we are rooted on the word of God in prayer and obedience.
January 27th, 2009 at 8:25 am
my husband said God told him to leave; he found his ‘truth’ and can never be the same again, and he must find out what God wants him to do with his life.
February 22nd, 2009 at 5:31 am
I understand to fight back in prayer….my husband left me for another women just a month ago….he came back and had one of our pastors remove his thing from this womens home. He came to ask my forgiveness and I was so mad at him i told him how bad he hurt me and our teens. We have 5 yes 5 kids from married to 14 this month. I am so back forth on what to do. I love him but….want him to receive help before he comes back. He only stayed out of the relationship for a few days….probably with some help he returned. I know this is spiritual battle, my kids say just let him go. I do believe letting go is the right thing to do….but it is easier said then done. My husband started all of this acting out in Aug.08. He woudn’t kiss me anymore etc…. I did find out and it was right under my nose and a close friend. I just can’t see them together!!! Please pray for me! He did serve me papers of divorce just a week ago but the week before that he ripped them up. Also, he was very emotional abusive with his mouth. He told me things like I don’t wanta to babysit you the rest of our life together! Go find sex with another man. You are a embaressment to me. I take care myself and am much more attactive then this other women. My friends tell me I am beautiful and to just let him go that God has someone better!. I think he is a middle life crisis at 48. I put him through pharmacy school back the 80’s. I am retired and will make very little off it. I still have a 14, 15,16 old at home. My kids think I am to strict and dad isn’t Please pray for us! I saved up enough money from a little cleaning bussiness I started when he told me to get a life, get reality, get a job. My youngest three and I are going to Hawaii, our first really vacation in 28 years. We invited him to go but he said No! I feel like the Lord said March something in March besides our trip to Hawaii!
March 10th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Dear Deb,
You should let him go for now, if it is meant to be that you both should be togather you will. Just take a break and see what you want. Talk to your kids and see what they want. Parents always think that it is better for the kids to stay togather but that may no be true.
God may be with you
April 3rd, 2009 at 1:00 am
My husband also left me and our two children after 16yrs of marriage. Our marriage I admit wasn`t the greatest but we did love each other deeply, we connected in so many ways, our lives connected before we even met, first of all, when I was about maybe 6-7 yrs old my family was living in this home and come to find out after I met my husband that house when we moved out him and his family moved in, we were renting it from is grandpa I guess, so there our lives crossed each other, then his mother`s birthday and mine is one the same day. Then I guess when my husband was is the 5 or 6th grade he was at the school swimming and he got into a fight with a 6th grader, which was my brother, which pasted away the next year at 13yr. so there again our lives crossed. We know what each other is thinking, we finish each other senteces, we have even had the same dream on the same night, do you see what I`m talking about we connect. There is something DEEP DOWN inside me that says God put us here to be together, but it still down ease the pain that he left me for a younger woman, 11yrs younger than him they got an apartment together in Feb. the day he moved in with her he was crying to me saying he feels trapped that he loves and his heart belongs to me, but yet he still moved in with her. We started going to counseling which he NEVER wanted to go before so I thought that was a good sign, we went for 5 weeks and every week he said he was coming home he is just waiting for the right time, yet as he came home. He says I scare him because he doesn`t want to come back to they way it use to be always fighting, me getting mad when I don`t get my own way which I did alot, I`ve told him I have chanced that I KNOW WHERE I went wrong in our marriage I know it will be different, he says I haven`t chanced because maybe once a week or two I break down at throw a fit I can`t help it I`m so hurt knowin every night he is in bed with her telling her he loves her it gets to me, I told him I an only human. I told him he will never know that I have chanced unless he comes home so he can see for himself. He says she treats him like he has always wanted me to treat me. I don`t know really what to do, do I go with my deep feelings or is it just wishful thinking or is it really God telling me to hold on. I`m tired of crying I`m tired of being alone. I feel like maybe this is all happening so we both realize and learn really how to love and respect each other and stop taking our love for granted that it is our marriage that we really want. I know I have learned that, maybe it`s taking him longer to realize it. I sure hope I have been making sense to you all because some times I just start talking. I just need support. Please email me and we can chat more, maybe we can help each other through this my email is NEWFOUNDLIFE@COMCAST.NET. Thank you for taking time to read this and God Bless you all.
Veronica
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:40 am
As I read all these comments all I can think about is how awful it is that so many of us are going through this heart wrenching situation. Unfortunately, I am also suffering from a husband who left me and has another woman. I have been married to him for 20+ years, been with him for 23, and have two wonderful kids from our union. He turned 42 in April and I’m 41. I met him when I was 16 and I married him a week after I turned 21. He has been my one and only. Right now it has been almost 2 months since he moved out and I’m still devasted and sad, but I have to admit that as each day goes by it does hurt a little less. You need to get angry. It’s not ok what he is doing to you. This is not your fault. He has the problem. He is the one that needs to do this to prove something within himself and he will be the one that will regret his decision in the future. Love your children and be there for them. Do things you like to do, laugh, smile, exercise, go to the beach. Friends and family are important right now. Seek them as your support system. Don’t let him see you suffer. It’s not worth it. Good luck. —:-)
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:47 pm
My husband and myself been seperated for now 2 years and it’s not getting any better for me. We finally started to email each other but that didn’t work out. He bought up he needed a church woman and that just set me off. The reason for that he left me for a church member at a church we belonged to. I love my husband and want him back to a point it hurts. I know I played apart in the seperation but I’ve since had counseling and he hasn’t. And it sad but I’ll do anything to have him back. I’m still feeling lost without him. I’m 46 and lonely and the dating world is not the same as if I was 21 which makes it harder to get over him. We were marriage for 18yrs and to this day I can’t believe it did me like this. But what gets me he acts as if I left him. I now I need to move on ,but really what can I move on to. As long as he’s in my heart there’s nothing out there for me. I’m forever looking for help to get my marriage back. I’m tried of hurting for a man that don’t want me ,but I just can’t except how can someone you love turn their back and walk away like nothing ever happened. I’m tried of hurting. I just want my husband back.
June 2nd, 2009 at 8:26 am
I have personally experienced God reviving a dead marriage. Mine! I have been married 17 years now and I am only 38 years old.
My wife B and I met when I had just turned 20 and she was nearly 19 years old. We were physically attracted to each other but had really nothing much else in common, we were from extremely different backgrounds, we never enjoyed any of the same things and were both really bad communicators. The relationship was really poor and we were both unhappy and probably about to end the relationship. But 8 months after we had met B became pregnant… one month before our daughter was born we reluctantly got married.
At that stage God was being kept at a distance and we were battling this out on our own. We did this for 9 years. It was 9 years of hell! I was filled with resentment and hatred towards my wife, I became super cynical and used my mouth to destroy, I hated marriage and I was in and out of many relationships with other woman until I eventually met someone that I really enjoyed being around and felt that I had met my ’soul mate’.
During this period I began pushing B for a divorce, she joined some friends at a local church and began her relationship with God. After some months at this church they had a guest speaker that gave my wife a prophetic word (we still have the recording on tape). God promised that he would turn our marriage around. It sounded absurd because I was not even at home most of the time and we hadn’t really even connected for months, but B held onto Gods promise that he would restore our marriage!
From the outside I could see that B was changing and that something was different about her. She became a softer person and tried to just love me even though it was one way. I remember thinking that I hated her being nice to me because it made it more difficult for me to justify hating her! Crazy. She just continued drawing her strength from God and believed that He could do what He promised - even after she found out about my then current affair.
One day I was at home alone in our bedroom reading a Christian book that B had left lying around. While I was reading - something in me broke (B’s prophetic word said that I would have a Damascus Road experience). For the first time I saw what I was doing to my wife, my daughter, friends and family. God opened my eyes and I began to cry uncontrollably like a baby (not me!).
B walked into the bedroom to see what was going on, I was trying to cry into the pillow so no one would hear but I guess it was still too loud. When I calmed down a bit we chatted and I agreed to go church with her. This was one year after she originally started going. The transformation in our lives from then on has been unbelievable.
To cut long story short… that event took place 8 years ago and since then God has been instrumental in re-building our characters and our relationship. We are radically different people now and have a deep love for each other and a passion for God and His Church.
We work hard in making time to talk and to understand where we are and what we are really saying to each other. We still have our ups and our downs but in those down times we know that it will pass and that our commitment to each other remains for life.
We are also the proud parents of 2 more children that were born 11 years after our daughter was born. We are truly blessed and so grateful that God gave us his blueprint for marriage and the ongoing faith and courage to follow it through.
http://rejoiceministries.org/
http://rejoiceministries.org/restored.php
August 20th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
well, after reading all these true life events, I only have one thing to say. Never loose hope or give up if you believe it is worth it and it is there. Having said this be careful not to be a Marthyr.
we all have the right to live and we all have the right to be here. We were not born married. We all learnt to walk and talk without our husbands. We all brought up and can bring up our children as natural mothers, with or without him ( the husband). Our children deserve this.
I too am in a similar situation. One year now he left despite all my attempts of redoing my marriage. Again like you , another woman , separated, married to his friend and from the past. She is enjoying both, messing both up , but reasoning is not in his eyes.
If he returns I will see where we start fixing things. If he doesn’t , he will have to deal with his future hurt, just may be without my backup,because he is forcing a situation and it will hurt him eventually.
I did not do anything wrong, except help him and be there for him at all times.
Because I made a promise in front of God, and because I have one word, I am waiting for the outcome of this .
I will not give up but I will also not be a marthyr as that would be a silly thing to do . Same here my child got afected but we are coping , we will cope and we will spring to the top again.
Be strong and have faith that whatever happens Lord is with us and He will never leave us that is a true fact. When you are alone all of you , think of how many of us are in the same situation and we will no longer feel alone… Plus some people are very ill without it being their choice, they are the ones who really teach us how important LIFE is.
We have that choice still of continuing that LIfe
God Bless you all
August 28th, 2009 at 1:30 am
I was in an abusive marriage for 14 months…it started off physical and then became verbal and mental after he was facing jail he stopped 95% of the physical.He was aweful to my older girls from my previous marriage.I dove into church and believed things would change and they did..he quit drinking and he quit physically abusing me(he would howevr destroy thingsa like stab the couches,pour face make up on them and wreck and ruin the house on rages)we changed geography and moved from florida to indiana to see if a fresh start..new leaf would help..it didnt..it was the breaking point..we had 7 children at home which i was always with while he went to his best friends house to play video games after i chased the other best friend off whom he gsmbled,partied and gamed with…that friend actually fist fought me and i put a battery on him…things went well for awhile..i searched for my birth mother it was such an intense journe and my husband didnt support me and on the contrary he convinced the family i was neglecting them by searching likei did but was right there on reunion day acting as if he was the brains and spine of the operation…there are a zillion stories i could write of the years of pain and emotional distress he caused me and the kids..i eventually sent my 3 older girls to my mother as i tried to break away in indiana and eventually what was left of the family moved back to florida to be near my church and all that seemed real to me..things calmed down as he blamed the mixed family (his step parenting position)on the nightmares…i bought the lie and tried again..my girls were almost grown and i would work on them comming home after me and my husband went to councelling…my pastor gave us free counseling…we went and it amplified the problems as my councelor was not equipt for the magnitude of problems..some of them were no brainers as i would explain my husbands gambling issue..needless to say..i had an amazing walk with God…at one point..I was learning and teaching my kids..i learned about my issues and tried to work on them..i learned of my sould ties,generational curses,stinking thinking..i went to cleansing streams to deal with the abandonment of my mother and then the abandonment of my adopted mother i had gushing wounds and was not perfect by any means…i asked my husband to join me he wouldnt however i did get him to play for the church basketball team which had him at least rubbing elbows with believers…well then something changed in me..i no longer accommedated the spiriitman within me i became biter ,resentful..angry..after all 3 of my babies were in NY and it was killing me alive..and it was his fault..i was gaining wait trying to comfort eat my way out of it..my fault but it felt good to blame him…i started to fantasies stupid stuff..me and johnny depp…me and any old nice guy..i dreamedof being desired and beautiful..at that point i bumpped nto my ex*s(who was my first love and the most intense love of my life)mother at walmart..simple exchange of words..and inquiry or 2(my husband was ith me so i didnt ask what i wanted) and we left..my husband left that conversation commenting negatively about the loser ex and how his mom such and such…but in me a fire started…it awoke every sleeping memory within me..i remember him..his masive stature..his radiant blonde hair peircing green eyes..i remember how his presence shook me to my core….but there was the ther memories of why i left..see i dont think he ever felt the same..he was a fulanderer…a ladies man…i poured my nieve 19 year old heart to him and he gave it back to me like chop meat..but we spent almost 4 years together and there was passion and love and a child…its been years and it is crazy how the good memories make it through and the bad fall away in moments like this…i was not quit right after the encounter with his mom..but had to dismiss it as i didnt know where to find her and after all how far was i really willing to take this thing…days passed..my husband decided his friends would fly down for a week and he was going to spend 5 of the 7 days away at his friends house on this guy retreet..i didnt want it at home for the obvious reasons of i had children…and when those guys got togehter it was gambling,drinking,golf and i guess typical guys stuff…before my husband left on monday me and the kids went to church on sunday…while sitting on the pew i am talking to my dauughter about her figiting and when turn around there he is..My first love asking me to forgive his past crimesof the heart…i released him years ago of that pain and wanted him to feel forgiven and free…but when he walked away something inside me sprung up..jolted..came alive..my heart raced my mouth got dry..my thoughts cloudy…i felt distracted the entire message…except for were the pasotr warned about adultry…something about a pig with a golden ring through his snout…it all makes sense now but thenit just felt like a simple warning…on the way home i had to pull over 3 times ..i had the kids in the car but just couldnt grip the emotions..though not for the lack of trying..i knew if i pulled over let it all out i could drive home and be ok..and i did ..until the kids gothome and told their dad ..some big tall blonde man saw mommy and said something to her and she was crying all the way home…well i told him it was a good message which it was but that i didnt want to discuss the crying..i had nothing i could say to counteract it i let him think what he wanted and moved on..he left for his friends..the whole time he was gone i warred with myself sure he was a jerk,sure he has done crazy cruel things to me..i had been in and out of abuse shelters,i have had cars destroyed,he would leave for days at a time,i had been evicted 15 times because of gambling and money control..but i wasnt going to run to my ex…was i ??i wasnt going to imagine me in his arms feeling like a woman …his big strong shoulders to lean on..his awesome domestic mother,all the brothers i wondered how they had grown and turned out and ..surely i could resist the temptation of all that to be the over looked ,dismissed bride of frankenstein…i was so alone that when adult interaction came i would talk their ear off just to know i interacted with someone over the age of 7….well i failed ..i called him ..i wrote him and i was going in…lckily he didnt answer and then he with drew as my husband found his info on my computer and tried to shew him off…but i pressed in…and we had that cup of coffee we said we would have…my heart droppedwhen i saw him..he is the most amazingly beautiful man i ever layed eyes on..he is a big teddy bear..but the world might see itthrough not so loving eyes..he had lost a finger due to an accident and destroyed his leg during a motorcycle accident he had while messed up on drugs…he spoon fed me his life for the last 14 years and my heart broke over and over..he had been living a tragedy and i was still seeing him as my prince …after hours of talking to him i remembered why i adored him but stupid me thought i could just come there be what he needed and he could be evrything i needed..we would rescue eachother..everyone wins…OMG was i mistaken.I ended it with my marriage and felt liberated,yet guilty,dirty,Felt God was going to kill me for being an adulterer…my testimony bit the dirt..i was a sunday school teacher they couldnt let go because there was oone to fill my shoes…i was a mess..but i was also in denial..my husband found a girlfriend in no time and i was with my boyfriend of old…as the weeks passed i learned more and more of the man of my dreams…he was addicted to opiates,messed around with meth he had failure to launch out of his mothers nest,his ex girlfirend is wanted by the cops,they had an open relationship(swingers)he injected his medication…(now i remembered the pig with the golden ring..pastor talked about..the golden ring was all i could see..it was the big bandaid to my gushing loney heart but i didnt see the pig(the state or condition of my lovers life or state of being)i begged him to go to church…i begged him to lose his friends..i sucessfully chase a herd of them off..but he made new or rekindled old degerate friendships and i was slowly realizing i was in over my head..i loved him deeply like non i have known…but i started to know i had to pull awy..i didnt want to ..there were nights i had to face myself and would cry..i had dabbled in the drugs,i was now an adulterer..i was in a nightmare of a divorce where it cost over 30 bucks just for my husbands battery record…myheart was torn andmy head so messed up and i felt God was going to hurt me for my disobedience..i felt doomed..scared,judged to hell …even though i know i walked with himand talked with him..because i felt God leave me i got mad at him too..i figured..yeah i am a disgusting mess but why on top of it are you going to make me feel i am alone and doomed..i couldnt sleep..i had panic attacks while i was driving..insomnia..my boyfriend was lying to me about things now so he could fit the king David shoes i measured my imaginary mate to be..but in fact he was lying about his sobriety his inentions and i even found he was spending time at a friends house he told me was a straight and there was a girl there and he had already confessed they were trying to set him up with her…i feel he wasnt true to me …he even went to jail for 60 days in which a friend of mine had convinced me he was the king david wrapped in (looking like)someone i would never consider…(i like blondes)but that i reasoned it with maybe i was shallow and i felt so alone even from God i thought maybe ..just maybe…but my ex got out of jail and like the 2 magnets we are to eachother we clanked backed together as if we were never apart…he came home loving Jesus and speaking my language..he was(in my head) arriving a a place where i could divorce and be with someone who had a heart for ministry like myself..he was comming along and he could see the vision God had put in my heart before i was stuck in the desert i now live…it was a great week..but it faded as i dropped him off to his mens group and he got bored and found himself going to an ex girlfriends house for dope..then lying sbout it..as my lover slowly chizzled away at my heart with lies and deciet my husband flaunted his girlfriend and all her money for being in school while i birthed and nurtured a small nation…miss BA was spending her money getting my husband hammered and buying all the finer things in life like..while i licked the wounds and nursed my drug addicted boyfriend..all along i had set personal goals for myself which i was some how managing in all the maddness…i did get my ged i did clean up my school loans and i was in fact on my way to college..i stopped being intimate with my boyfriend for 3 reasons..he had hep c which even afer educating myself i was scared because he didnt seem to have a grip on managing it and he didnt seem to care enough (i felt) 2) I felt so dirty and like God was really going to get me for it…3)i knew it was the strongest tie we had..we connect in ways of the heart i have never known…to this day i wonder if i misread that deep connection(not physical pleasure alone)it is definatley a matter of theheart..as something different..i have tried to ask him if he feels the same he admits to the connection but i wonder if it runs as deep for him..i think he doesnt know how deep it is for me because i have walked away from him so many times..but he does things that are in direct conflict with my mind and heart…and they are suttle wickednesses…nothing you can say is ruthless and cruel..but so self distruction and dangerous…and against mostly himself…but if your with him it is against you because as he hurts himself it hurts you ..if that makes sense…so i am watching my husband do this and that..with his majored in psychology girlfriend..yet she is with a man who she makes his 4 family if they were to marry….she knows the dynamics of step parenting and would step parent his 3 other families with children(hey i know i did it too without a child counseliing degree)but i did expect more from her..but she fell in love with my husband i guess and was able to overlook all the crap..he had a mouth on him that made yousecond guess your whole exhistance..cruel like no other…well how did i come to return home…well…while me and my lovers relationship decayed from lies,half truths,lack of intamicy,fear,he was taking prescribed medicine oxys…the docotr you told me to get said its legal..ok well i made him get the docotr so i would be legal..but then i realized(took me awhile to catch on)his leg wasnt the issue he was addicted and he was buying and selling..everything McDuff teaches our kids in school is immoral and wrong their potential step parent is…i culdnt live with it..whei was taking the kids to VBS(vocation bible school) my boyfriend was dripping swet and looked a wreck..i didnt fully understand until i looked at the pictures…i was contimplating returning home…at this point my life was so upside down..my roommate was moving out ,my boyfriend was crashing on my couch which i was pushing him away instead of embracing him..and i felt he had made his choice of oxy*s over me and his son and the dream of us…so my husband told me the boys were crying and wanted us bck together…i figured i would go home where i belonged…maybe God wuld let me live and maybe he would forgive me for my mad confussion..disobedience and wrecklessness over the year and a half i was gone..maybe if just the kids hurting stopped it would be the moral sane thing to do..and calvin in all his cruel,negletful..no job having,gambling,video gaming childishness lack of responsibilty taking self would be saner then what i had with my lover…after all if i cant be happy with my first love after all that i imagined us to have and over come…all that was left was to find someone else new eventually down the line and start over..idea not appealing….so go home..knowing it is for the kids not me…knowing i will not fell my lover hold me,talk to me and engage with me in his gentle kindnesses….we have something so special that smothers away and dies eachtime…but he wouldnt give up intolerable attributes..illegal maneuverings for self gain and addiction..it was time for me to fly as i would always crawl back to where my heart resides but i was hoping this time would be different…i came home..my husband had trial for a week on a sexual harrasment suit he waited 3 years on…i sayed home with 4 of the kids,,while driving my older daughter to work and while doing allt that me and a 13 year old moved my entre house…by ourselves..so the resentment stock piled in one week of my return on top of which i spent 950 dollars rescuig him out of his debilitating debt…ya know electric going off phone off…so buy the time i moved everything while kids were stillhome on summer break,had yet another garage sale to get money to put into the house and then curb alert the things that wouldnt sell i was tired and angry..my husband tried to apeaseme but i wasnt buying it..he has been trying i must say..it ads to the guilt…i have tried to love him back but i feel nothing..i try to be gentle about him and stall for time thinging that if we have more good moments..if i could get my lover out of my heart then we can move on..i dont know how..and then i feel god is there ready to do something aweful to me for doing all this to my family because i selfish broke away from my hellish exhistance to selfishly be with my michael(HIM) and be happy and the joke is on me because i left and ruined a already nightmare of a marriage by hoppingout of the frying pan into the fire as i have come to believe…so selfish me doesnt find love from either of these men and mw my heart belongs to one that should be assigned to another and i dont expect sympothy from anyone..i reason with myself..why i have absndoned my lover..the day i left he was being inquired of on a legal matter…10 days before my divorce was to be heard…yet he asks me if my intent on any interaction with him is to break his heart doesnt he see he has slaghtered mine when he gave us no hope…then i return with my tail between my legs and my husband is trying which is killing me because his trying means nothing..his trying is trying to be nice to me after he didnt help me..after he loads it all on my shoulders,nothings changed except there is no verbal abuse as of yet thank God..but we are like two starnger living together and one of us wants sex with the other and the other says she has a life long headache..until she can move out this lover from her heart…THisis my mess but how would someone else clean it up if given the chance…will God ultimately kill me for this..why dont i see him forgiving this..there is something depp in me that tells me to run from my lover ..a voice of warning..that it will bring me great harm to stay…is thst the guilt of the realtionship?Is that an assessment judging the thigs that have happened will just repeat..is it the Holy Sprirt i am thinking has let me go really loving me and warning me?Does anyone else feel like i do…my boyfriend said i have to strong a conscience and it troubles me to easily…uhhhh…there is no such thing..the closest we gsn get to righteousness and living right is what the father wants for us..sohe is decieved to think my conscience fails me because it is in tune with the father…it is my disobediance that troubles me..i want my lover why??really why..i think it has to do with the fact he has shown me more love,understanding and compassion then anyone i have known..in all his brokenness and all his disfunction he is quit,genrle,caring,helpful…i think it is by the deficits in my life not being met by mother,father,husband that i find this man to be my greatest source of LOVE and as sick in addiction and as derailed his life is from this he has a gentle hand…a willingness to help…a listening ear even if he doesnt understand what i am trying to say…i can t seem to let him go..i want to ..i wish to….without him i feel utterly alone but safe…what does all this mean ..i need clarity…sincerely D