Dear God,
I don’t remember much from my childhood, just generally being passed from pillar to post between foster parents and children’s homes – most of which I’ve purposely forgotten.
When I was four you blessed me with two amazing adoptive parents, who have been my everything for 21 years and to whom I owe my life. Yet still I feel like a failure, like a fraud. I have never told anyone who I am, or about my life because it is too painful and I feel so incredibly alone now.
It’s coming up to my 25th Birthday and I still long to meet my ‘real mum’. After a lifetime of longing and wondering, I now find that she is a drug addict and wants nothing to do with me. She doesn’t respond to my letters and changed her number because she believes that I am to blame for what she has become. I understand the pain of losing a child must be immense, but please lord don’t let her push me away anymore, I can’t bare it any longer.
And I feel so guilty for feeling this weight because I’m so thankful for everything that you have given me since; a wonderful adoptive family, beautiful friends, a loving boyfriend, a degree and a fulfilling job – but still I find myself crying thinking of her and what could have been. My heart feels so heavy and despite the things she has said and done, I still want her to hold me. Lord, tell me why is that?
Please god, I pray you’ll reunite us, or let me move forward so that I can be whole.
Ann Louise, UKShare:
July 18th, 2008 at 8:06 pm
Wow as a mother of 5, I really was touched to the core by your prayer, Ann Louise! My arms involuntarily go out to u! I know it won’t feel like your biological Mom’s arms, but I need to tell u about a 60 yr old woman I know who never knew her father and spent much time yearning to know who he was…. Until God gave her such a strong word about how she had been rejecting HIS own love and she just experienced such a peace knowing that He held her each day - she is so close to God now as to be an immense example of where we could be if we were sitting in His Lap! Keep on praying precious, and ask God to use u to minister to those who have experienced that same brokenness you have. U have a great mission ahead, keep strengthened!! Much Love!! Maria Sanches (on FB)
July 20th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Dear Ann Louise
Just in case god hasnt told you why you feel this way then I will. You feel like you do because you are richeous and full of love, you are close to god and are filled with his spirit and love for your fellow people. I Would be so bold as to speculate that you dont want your mum to hold you and take away your troubles, you just want to hold her and take away hers. Your mum has lived her life in a very opposite way than you. You have thanked god for your blessings and become more and more good and richeous wheras your biological mother has blamed god for her situation and everyone else including you, not realising that by doing this she has stopped herself from growing and being in command of her life.
I hope and pray that one day you can be close to your biological mother and that she can rid herself of the life she has created. I used to blame god for my problems or anyone becides myself until I discovered that all I was doing was making my problems worse. I had some really bad things happen to me in my childhood but those things have taught me to forgive not to hate and blame. Your letter touched my heart and it brings a tear to my eye to know that there are still people in the world so full of love and goodness.
My advice, dont be hurt by your mums lack of love for you, just love her anyway because she needs it. Send her a present on her birthdays, a card at christmas but dont expect anything in return not even a thank you. If you just keep loving her regardless and pray for her then sooner or later her heart will be softened. Just remember though she is not like you, she has made very different choices in her life and lives iin a much different world than you. Dont go into her world ann louise just let her know that shes always welcome to come into yours and be happy.
July 21st, 2008 at 7:22 am
Ann Louise,
Being adopted myself, I understand your need to reconnect with your mother.
I have felt that way as well. I took some time for me to remember that it was always my adoptive parents that were there for me, and that raised me, and gave me the love that I needed to be the best that I could be.
Unfortunatly you have a birth mother that is addicted to substances. Please remember that your mother is not the true person that she once was, she is no longer herself, due to the chemicals she is putting in her body.
You are in the unique position of breaking the pattern. You have been given a chance that few others get. Take the oppourtunity to be a shining light in your childrens life and continue to let your birth mother know that she is loved.
You are a very loving person make sure you distribute that love to the people in your life who need it.
I pray that you may find that peace within yourself, and I know you will give hope to others in the future.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:44 am
It’s very hard for me to read your words, we adopted a child whose birth father neglected and possibly abused him, and whose addict birth mother abandoned him. His birth mother ended up in a mental institution. Part of me totally understands where you’re coming from, or at least I perceive how painful it must be to be abandoned, but the other part of me sees this through the eyes of your adoptive parents, to whom I’m positive you are every bit their flesh and blood. I would never stop my son from seeking his birth family, but every bone in my body would fight to keep him protected from the people who did him so many wrongs and who have been unable to get control of their addictions. I have no animosity towards you and your desire to connect with your birth mother, but I would encourage you to not let this persons continuing terrible decisions damage your life. Thank you for sharing your heart.
July 22nd, 2008 at 10:33 pm
I wanted to thank you for all so much for taking the time to write and pray for me with such incredibly touching, kind and encouraging words. And to respond to each of you individually…
Maria Sanches - thank you for your kind arms! I’m comforted to hear of your friend who struggled with not knowing of her own father, but now has found her peace knowing that god is with her in everthing, for the long hawl! Which made me smile, because I had never quite thought of it like that
So sending you, your friend and your five children (wow!) my thanks and love x
Christian - I cried with happiness at my desk reading your words. You seem to be a wonderful judge of character, and yes you’re completely right! I think that the pain I feel is my mothers, and the frustration that I haven’t been able to help her. I’m so encouraged to hear of your own triumph over tough times, and such amazing ability to forgive and love. Thank you for giving me such fresh perspective and for making me feel so strong in myself. My love and thanks go out to you x
William - It’s great speak to someone else who is adopted, and thank you for sharing your own experience. I agree entirely that our birth parents are the people that we owe everything to, and have made us the people that we are today. We’ll always be thankful for that.
My thanks and love to you and your parents x
Jamey - I was sad to read your words, as I understand the pain that my curiosity to meet my birth mum has caused my own parents, despite their complete love, support and encouragement throughout my journey of finding her. However, I will stress that my curiosity in no way affects my absolute love and devotion to my adoptive parents, as far as I am concerned they are my flesh and blood as you said.
As I said to William, our adoptive parents are the people we owe everything to, whom we love and cherish. My parents rescued me from an awful situation, and for that I will be eternally grateful.
I am now realising that the pain I have felt for so many years is not down to my mothers absense in my life - but is in fact the pain that she is feeling, and a longing to ease that and come to resolve.
Thank you so much for your honest words, and for sharing your pain, because I now understand from a parental perspective. You are clearly a wonderfully kind, loving and supportive parent, and your son is incredibly blessed to have you! I wish your family every happiness x
September 11th, 2008 at 1:26 am
I am adopted to.It turned out O.K.I never met my biological parents.I don’t think my father even knew i exist.My mother never tried to look for me. I did try to look for her but to no avail.But i have realized that families are not biological.There are other people who cares for me that are not related to me.
I wish you peace
Sally
December 13th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Father I stand united with Ann Louise , I come bodly to your throne and ask that you send laborers across her mothers path to minister to her with words of compassion and love.Speaking to her, as you know how to bring resolve, to what is going on inside her natural mother.To answer those questions that may have not yet been answered for her. But first, prepare her heart to recieve words of tenderness. I ask that you prompt her Mother, to want to see her daughter just once, so that Ann Louise can bring closer to the longing in her heart.
For Ann Louise open her eye’s of understanding You created her, then breathed the breath of life in her gave her, her skin tone,set the color of her eye’s, set the color of her hair, gave to her a distinct personality, gave her a fingerprint that noone else has in the world, her DNA chain is like noone else’s and then putting the final touch of your handiwork on her, “her smile.” Should she feel guilty? Absolutely not ! Jeremiah 29:11 reads ( God Speaking ) I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, To give you a future and a hope. Psalms 139:13-14 reads, For you formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works And That my soul knows very well.
Ann Louise, by faith God is already working to bring closer, to that which your heart desires. From this piont forward don’t ask God anymore , but everytime you think of your mother from this day forward, Thank Him ( God ) for answering your prayer. You can say it this way, when you are alone, or beneath your breath when you think of her. ” Thank you Father for hearing and answering prayer for my mum. ” No matter what or how long keep thanking God, as” praise ” is the highest form of prayer. Remember ask once , thank.him from then until it comes, and it WILL come.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Type-o ” Boldly ” ” closier”. I forgot to proof read, before I posted it. But please ,don’t focus on the typing errors, rather stay focused on the message ! !