Dear God,
Why did you make the one person in my life who is supposed to love and protect me unconditionally become the one to destroy me?
It’s mother’s day, my least favorite “holiday” of the year. All of the nice, loving things I wrote on my mother’s card were lies. She is not the best mom. I don’t appreciate everything she’s done for me. Sometimes I question whether I love her.
I know, God, that it’s wrong to have hateful feelings toward my mother. But she breaks me apart. One week before my birthday, I overdosed and had to go to the emergency room. The sole factor that led me to this point was my mother’s oppression and anger towards me. The same night, she found out about my drug addict boyfriend and called me a whore and an idiot.
Those words will never leave me.
God, why do you let my mother treat me like this? Am I really the horrible person she makes me feel like? Please tell me I’m not.
Lindsey, Nevada, USA
May 12th, 2008 at 10:50 am
seriously girl i feel the same exact thing with my mom. i actually didn’t give her a card or something, not even did i utter ”happy mother’s day mom!”, because i have nothing to say to her. i would also be lying to myself if ever i wrote her today a card saying how awesome shes been to me and i love her so much, blah blah blah.
i don’t talk to her too often cos every conversation with her is a minefield and every word i utter will be use later against me.
i distant myself away from her as much as possible everyday (cos we live under the same roof unfortunately). i don’t hate her, nor do i love her to death either. i don’t need toxic people in my life who steals my joy unapologetically. i’d rather be around with thousands of strangers who wouldn’t dare to judge me but instead inspire and encourage me, than be with a loved one who can’t say anything nice to and about me.
im’a pray for ya sis.
God bless.
May 12th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Hi Lindsey,
When you truly begin loving yourself, it won’t matter what the world on the outside says about you.
And… remember; your Mum is just as human as you are…
Behind her hateful words is CONCERN… AND CARE… she is worried about you and instead of saying so, she resorted to name calling. It Which hasn’t helped BUT you have to stop blaming HER for all the wrong in your life and look long and hard at what YOU are doing to YOURSELF first!
There comes a time when you stop looking outwards to blame others for the choices you have made… allowing yourself to become a victim to the “it’s THEIR fault I’m the way I am”. Why not stand up and take responsibility and say “I am HERE for a REASON and it has been MY CHOICE to take drugs and ABUSE MYSELF”. And go from there…
Overdosing would’ve been very scary indeed… I hope you’ve come to realise that this anger at your Mother is irrelevant… what SHE says is irrelevant… the person you really hate and the person you’re really angry at is yourself…
Life is precious… when you begin to stand up and appreciate the gift you’ve been given [your own life] and realise that it is not meant to be abused, whatever anyone else thinks of you will be of little to no consequence… get off drugs… get out of the bad relationship with the boyfriend who takes drugs… love YOUR life again… and then watch as positivity flows into you ten millionfold…
Believe me, I know what its like… I’ve been there… and I’ve turned my life around and yes, it’s hard but it’s not impossible. I chose ME over anything else…
xxxxxxx BIG HUGS TO YOU SOUL SIBLING xxxxxxxx
May 12th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I think you mother was ashamed of you at the time, I dont believe that she meant to say those words. My own mother has said pretty hurtful things to me, but it wasnt as if i hadnt done anything to deserve them.
Your mother, I wonder if she stayed that night with you at the hospital? How much has she given up for you?
I think you should honestly think about what she has done for you, take a good hard look and im sure you will see more than just the hate you feel.
Think about it from you mother’s point of view. If you found someone that you deeply love and care about had overdosed and had nearly died because of they’re own choices. Would you be angry at yourself and at them? Would you say hurtful things that would try to make them see sense at the time? Would you also have said those hurtful things, in a bid to pass the blame? I personally think you would.
Your mother isnt perfect, nobody is - but they do deserve a second chance. And i think you do too.
Peace
May 12th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
It doesn’t matter whether your mother meant what she said or not. Perhaps you’ll never forget what she said, perhaps in a year or two it won’t matter.
Whatever it is, you’re not a whore or an idiot or a horrible person. (I know you’d rather have God tell you that instead of me, but thought you might want to hear someone say it anyway.)
I hope everything works out eventually and you find some sort of joy somewhere.
May 13th, 2008 at 1:13 am
Lindsey,
You did wrong things, and your mather did her job, not the right way, but she wanted to tell you the way. She loves you, like the way you´re ! Now, you nedd to change your fellings, please, ask God to help you, but you need to do your part about this.
God wants to help you and He needs your help to do this.
Everything depends on you.
May 13th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Hi there, i fully understand and feel the way you do when times we truly needed from our mother was just a word of encouragement, a simple smile, hug or even a little praise to lift our day or make us worthwhile around this world. Somehow or rather, these dun come from the person who gave birth to us in this world instead giving us cold shoulder, foul language, scarastic words that deeply hurt us inside which many years that cannot be erase.
However, like many of the rest said, our mother/parents are only but humans just like us, learning even at their age to be a good mother, to be able to teach and guide us the right way which of course sometimes they dun, cause they are like us, humans. So give them a chance as you would give yourself a chance more to give and to forgive in order to move towards the moment where you hoped that your mother would love you the way you yearn for….
I pray that you be loved just as way i pray for mine to happen some day….
May 13th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Wow, I thought i was alone, I guess I am not…I love my mother but thinking about her pains me, and i hate her for not protecting me from my step father who abused me. I recently have stopped talking to her. He still lives at home. I am far away now. It hurts when I see people that have self esteem and seem to get some from their families. The only person I can get love from is God, sadly my mother can’t make up for what she has done. I am still dealing with this, and feel guilty. But I don’t think we have to feel guilty for the way our mothers treated or ignored or abused us. I tried to OD after the abuse of my stepfather and my mother just looked at me and said how stupid I was. Now, 8 years later, I realize that I am not stupid, that I was hurting, and she didn’t do her job. By the way, doing drugs is a way of coping. I’ve been through it all. Its just a way of dealing with the past and how much it hurts. I have a book on how to Heal and it says some of the ways of coping is: suicide, leaving your mind, drug abuse, eating disorders, over working, spacing out, etc. Which I have been through all, including being dependent on someone, even though they treat you bad, to make you feel loved. We just have to learn how to cope in a healthy way…I have stopped taking classes, and I am now learning how to take care of myself. Healing takes a lifetime but you have to just recognize that you are hurt and face it, accept it. I now realize that I have to put myself FIRST and LOVE myself. WHICH IS SO HARD. Just keep trying. There are many people trying out there! Maybe there is no solution to that empty feeling where the love of family should be, but maybe one day when you have one you can fill it up by taking care of your child and yourself. And I am saying this because I pray that one day it won’t hurt to be alone with myself or think about my family.
XXOO
get better and i will too!
-Your healing buddy
May 16th, 2008 at 5:41 am
Hey Girl
I know exactly how you feel, I was abused by my stepfather and my mom never really made anything to stop it. She just pretended things didnt happen. Now as a grown up I just see her as a super scared person who couldn`t take care of me properly.
I seriously recommend thatyou get off drugs, this is your life, don`t let anyone take away the power that lies within you, the one god gave you as hes child.
Speak to your mom and start a new life, the past its over, theres nothing you could do about it. . You can change your present because the power and light are within you, not outside. Nobody is going to rescue your life, but your never alone.
Ask for guidance to your guardian angel
best!
May 24th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
parents aren’t perfect, they aren’t the all knowing all tolerant human beings we seem to expect them to be.
the biggest things our parents do for us are hidden to us until we become older. as a kid i hated my mother with all my will because she was so horrible to me emotionally. she was a grade bitch BUT i had food, clothing and i could be seen by a doctor whenever i needed and i had a STABLE roof over my head.
she divorced an idiot of a stepfather because he was a drunken mess even though she still loved him, she did it for us. she moved herself and us out the deep south because she thought we could have a better chance in california.
she worked her ass off to support a mortgage by herself and she did make it happen. this stuff made her a bitch. even so, she never told us about all she did for us because it was all just a given to her. she was taking care of her kids and she had a hard time. i didn’t realize any of this until i was past 30. thank god she is still alive so i can give back to her the tolerance (i say tolerance because through the shouting and name calling, she was ALWAYS there for me when the shit hit the fan and it hit often) and unconditional love she gave to me.
we don’t see that they’re tired and angry maybe because they’ve just worked another shitty day at a job that they hate just to keep us clothed and fed. a day that ends by coming home to a dopped up kid whose only responsibility that day was to go to school.
we don’t see that they are people too and who, because of spending all their time working their asses off for us, have no friends or support system to help them through the bullshit of a drug addled teenager or maybe problems at work or problems paying the bills or all the multitude of problems parents face.
your mom is likely a raging bitch no doubt, but how about looking at your part in all this. just because you’re the child here doesn’t give you carte blache to just bitch.
May 25th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
Hi Lindsey, i guess i can’t say i know what you mean, i was blessed with a wonderful mom, she is a beautiful soul and we are great friends, and she has explain to me about this kind of reactions or acts from parents, and her point of view is: that your mom carry you for 9 months, they try to protect you against injuries or accidents, they try to give you the best in their posibilities, for you to have a good life, of course they want you out of trouble, and im not against drugs, i dont do them, but i guess its an individual choice, but its known that drugs can change attitudes and social behavior, and i think that probably she doesnt want you with a person that coul hurt you and i’m sure she was trying to protect you like you were a little girl. Im sure all of this was cause by anger, it has happened to me with my mom. I think the best you can do is talk to her and express your feelings, talk in soft way and try to make her understand how it hurt you. Pray for her, to understand you, and pray for you to understand her behavior. I’ll pray as well for both of you to have a nice ralationship and enojy life together. My best wishes for you
June 13th, 2008 at 9:18 am
melissa?… um wouldn’t that make lindsey more sad cause you have such a wonderfull mom???….it make me depressed..my mom cares one minuet the nexts throws a brrom at my head for tripping and throwing all the DIRTY towels down the satirs!…doesnt even care that i fell.!…..
i personally think that mothers do love yopuo but that they are WAYYYYY ot HARMONAL..its all that pregnancy stuff that makes them batty and say mean, rude, hurtfull, sarcastic, degradeing, spitefull, things. underneath it all they do care….sometimes =S
best of luck!
p.s you should try acting that way back..usually gives them quite a shock! =P or possibly pisses them off which is always fun… also try to explain how your feeling to your mom …and if she goes all batty dont yell but WHISPER
hehe then she’ll have to stop yelling and calm down….
June 23rd, 2008 at 8:42 am
Lindsey, ask God to talk to your mother’s heart and soften it. He will do it, but you will have to wait for His timing to make it happen. Trust Him & He will do it! You will always be in my prayers!
July 8th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
Hey Lindsey;
I’ve been through some similar stuff with my own mom. For a lot of my life, it felt like I didnt even have a mom, and it took a long time for us to begin to heal our relationship. We’re still mending. Nothing got started until I moved to another country, and she realized if she didnt change, she’d lose her only daughter. I know I had reached a point that made me feel like I just didnt care anymore. But one day I asked her what I had done to make her hate me so much. That made her angry, and she said I’d said something when i was twelve that she was still angry with… imagine holding a grudge for 15 years over something a twelve year old girl said. Then I started to realize that maybe she was just as fragile and scared as I had been, and I gave her a chance. She’s not my best friend yet, but we talk more now than we ever did.
I do hope that you can find the peace in your heart to try and heal your relationship with your mom. I know it’s really hard, but someone needs to take the first step. I believe that if you can find it in yourself to forgive her, and forgive yourself, you’ll be able to find it within you to start over.
Good luck.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:36 am
Lindsey,
First I want you to know I will pray for you. All of us are special God made us that way. But we are all also flawed. I am a Mom myself, and I know my daughter is pushing all the limits she can. She has done things to disappoint us as a family, but we love her no matter what. I know I have said things to her in anger and frustration that I wish I had never said. I hope maybe your Mom may feel the same way. You have been given the gift of life I can not know what is in your heart or your Mom’s, I can only say, that if my daughter said Mom I love you, can we talk? I would sit down and listen to every word she had to say. Just give it a try. Most parents are worried to death about their teenagers. I know I would rejoice in having the opportunity to talk and clear the air. A good start is I am sorry for the things that I have done that have caused you so much worry, can we start on a fresh new page? I am sure that you Mom would love that.
I also have a nephew who lives with us, his Mom is a drug addict and she has sold every toy he had as a child to use for drugs, she would go to churches and agencies to collect money “for the kids”, and then drop him off at our home and be gone for weeks on end with no contact. He choose to live with us, he choose to have someone that would disipline him, and wanted to know where he was at night, and to have a curfew. Why, because all of us need limits to keep us from getting off track. His mother did not even show up for his high school graduation. She told him it was his fault that they did not have a relationship, because he should have made the effort to stay when she was on drugs, and take care of her, now that he has a job, she wants him to get an apartment so she can move in…and he can take care of her ….still on drugs.
There are good Mom’s and bad Mom’s. I don’t know which one you have. But if she is worried about you. I think you should take the time to appreciate what she has done for you and try to meet her half way. You would be surprised at how quickly a parent can forgive they usually only want the best for you. If that is not the case, and she is not good for you, and she is a scam artist, or on drugs herself, then there is a reason to step away from her. Just ask yourself what ownership do I have in this, what have I done to make this situation what it is today. Please stop using drugs, value your life, find something important to do for yourself, get in school, get a job you enjoy, volunteer, just move away from the things you are doing and talk to God daily and he will help you find a path that will give you peace and joy.
My love to you, you are a special girl, ask God to sharpen you as he would a pencil so that you can become all that he intended you to be.
Take care
December 18th, 2008 at 5:19 am
Dearest Lindsey,
None of us has the right to judge each other. Your Mom doesn’t have the right to judge you and you should understand that your Mom is as human as all of us. Your mom has made her own mistakes and it sounds like she has never come to terms with them.
You don’t need approval from your mom, you just need to make good healthy decisions for yourself from here on in. If you continue to absorb your mom’s words that is up to you. No one is forcing you.
Pray for your mom, ask God to heal her wounds that you likely know nothing about. I know this isn’t easy, but I do speak from experience.
My father left our family when I was 6 and didn’t look back. I am the youngest of 5 kids. My mom kept us together and worked very hard to take care of our physical needs, but emotionally my mom could be quite cruel. I too made mistakes in my younger years and was judged harshly by my mom, but I finally came to a place that I could pray for my mom, and even though she is still at the age of 75, negative and cruel at times, I look at my mom with love and compassion that she too has not come to terms with her wounds. I no longer absorb my mom’s actions or words. I live my life according to the best I can with God’s help and I think that is all he expects.
Take good care of yourself.
God loves you and your mom, so I pray for you both.
December 31st, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Hey,
I read the comments and I read your message Lindsey, I begin to cry because of the similar story I have, but the comments people have left will indeed help. The encouragement is great and the constant prayer for your mother’s heart just to be healed and softened is good too, because in time it will help. My mother is a name caller when she is worried, upset, or angry. I have had many stones I guess of things thrown my way, I was abused as a child, and I still have to random days of just being stomped on. What I do when I have these days, I pray for that person who is feeling bad enough to cause these feeling in me, because they must be going through something awful to feel this way, and I go through the verse 1 Corinthians “no struggle that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down, He’ll never let you be pushed past your limit, He’ll always be there to help you come through it.” This verse helps me through much more than my problems with family, but for you I think it will help with the troubles your facing with your mother. Everyone has already told you this, but your mom most likely cares very much for you, and if not than the hard part will be still loving her, but letting go. You will have to make the choice of what you want in your life, and take the responsbility of taking charge of the actions in your life instead of blaming others for what goes on. And I not only say this to you, but I take my own medicine when I say this. It’s going to be a long journey which ever decision you go or have gone with, but remember there are only one pair of footprints because god is always carrying us!
I’ll be in prayer for you, god bless.
January 1st, 2009 at 3:49 pm
i too have a toxic mother! i think i hate her, or love her very little. i try and everytime i do i just regret even trying to. my efforts seem useless. she wants the best for me and yet she doesn’t know how to go about giving me the best. we treat eachother like crap and i fear that that is how it will always be. i am still so young, and have done nothing to deserve her comments. she calls me a bitch, and a whore and a slut and i don’t even think she knows the meaning of those words because i am the furthest thing from it. she knows how to hurt me and she does. she makes me feel like a worthless, useless human being when i know im not. she tears me down, crushes my dreams and hopes and steals my happyness day after day and is effecting my health. i am becoming, a bitter, numb, stressed out and raging individual. everything i say is used against me also. when i open up to her i regret it dearly because it will just be thrown in my face and told to everyone when she becomes upset which is often. sometimes i feel bad for my feelings. i think the best bet is to space out and continue to avoid them if they have nothing positive to bring to our lives. eventually time will heal things hopefully. everyone tells me wait till you get older and youll appreciate all that your mother has done for you. well lets hope so.
January 4th, 2009 at 8:56 pm
Dear Lindsey,
I want you to know that you are not the only one out there who has to deal with a difficult mother and wonder to yourself if you even love her. I can tell you that the only way to release the anger and hate for her is to forgive her. That doesn’t mean that you have to give in to her or take her abuse. It just means that you forgive her for the way she is.
I have gone through periods where my mother would not talk to me and those were the best stress free times of my life, but i fianlly learned that I didn’t have to let her dictate my happiness. So now, I will only talk to my mother on the phone and that is the best I can do. If she starts getting to me, I go quiet and just agree with her until she is finished and then I say goodbye. Maybe one day I will feel differently and want to see her, but for right now this is all I can do. I feel guilty sometimes because she is my mother and I’m supposed to love her, right? Well, God doesn’t always hand us the best people or the best situations, but remember he does love us and he only wants us to do the best we can whatever that may be.
You will feel the anger and the hate leave when you forgive her and realize that she does not decide your happiness.
Take care.