Dear God,
I feel like I’ve been falling apart slowly for a few years, but it’s only beginning to show.
Everyone thinks I have it together, but I don’t… I’ve always been the one that does well in everything, and enjoys school, life and everything else. Now I have to delay graduating from school because all of my previous issues have caught up with me, but I still haven’t told anyone. And I’m scared to. It’s like all this time I’ve been painting myself into a corner, and it gets harder and harder as time passes to say anything.
I feel so lost, and I wish I could just pack up and travel to find myself, but my family wouldn’t understand. And I don’t want to feel like I’m throwing away all the opportunities they’ve given me..
I’ve started doubting myself as a person… I want to be the person I was before, but I don’t think I can get through this. How do I do it? A.P - New York/USAShare:
April 15th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Don’t be scared to take extra time. I spent three years going to school for Dental Hygiene. I proudly quit, told my family I wasn’t happy doing it, and that I was going to school for religion. You are that person - and you just need to hold your head up high and let people know you are confident in what you are doing, even if it takes more time than they might think it should. So if you want to travel, hold your head up high, let your family know that you are confident in your decision and it will make them feel better about it too. Find your way and be confident about searching.
under no circumstances do you want to complete college and be unhappy with your life. This is the time for you to explore. Not when you are 40. Now. Be confident in the fact that you want to find your way now.
I’m proud of you!
April 15th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
: ) be brave, once you let go of this rope, you wont live to regret. SPEAK OUT!
April 15th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Wow! I found a twin!
Hey! You know what? It passes! Everything does, but starting solving things, one after another. Let the more important things (that you consider) solved and go travel. There’s nothing better in this world to clear a mind. Just do it (Yeah, I know). It’s hard, but believe a person that is exactly like you, you can do it.
Good Luck and Stay Happy!
April 16th, 2008 at 12:13 am
Stop putting so much strain on yourself. No one is infallible. Sooner or later the weight of the world causes even the strongest to falter. One of the biggest things in life isn’t so much about not ever admitting defeat or failing, but how you handle it. Carefully evaluate your situation, understand it, the motivation that put you were you are, the context of your suffering, so that you can learn from it. Once you can identify the patterns that lead to failure it makes it that much easier to succeed.
A prime take away for your situation is to understand you can not handle everything on your own. Reach out to people, ask for help. Sometimes you will find asking someone for help isn’t even so much for your benefit as it is theirs. Altruism is inherent in much of what we all do, and the desire to help brings with it a very gratifying reward.
Don’t get caught up in the details, slow down and take a breath from time to time.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:40 am
Yeah, 4 yrs ago I was at the same place.
Issues that I’ve kept inside for years was so bottled up in me that I just started cracking under the pressure. And like you I just couldn’t speak to anyone about it. I felt totally alone.
Being desperate I prayed (even though I didn’t believe in God).
After that things started changing in my life, not for the better, but actually for the worst. But now I look back and saw that was God’s way to bring me to the place where He is.
I found myself in a place where I was almost forced to speak about stuff. And I always felt that people won’t understand, or I ccan only speak to someone that really knows me etc But in the end I just tore open and spilled out on someone I barely knew. !Bear in mind though this person was a reliable person that I was directed to (SO DONT TALK TO A COMPLETE STRANGER). But my point is: it was so important for me to just speak and let these things out that in the end I did it to someone I didn’t even knew. But that was the start of my healing.
Dear, you have to speak about it. It’s vital. You can’t go on without venting. Ask someone (perhaps a bit older than you, someone who’ll respect you by listening) you know if you can share with them. !Important though: don’t share with ur boyfriend (I assume your a girl from the picture), I’d even go on to say it’s perhaps better to not share deep personal stuff with anyone very close to you (except your parents, or your marriage partner). But you have to talk. That’s a fact. Untill you do things will only get worse.
But even more importantly (in my experience): pray. Ask God to help you.
I don’t want to tell you one religion is better than another. But what happened to me was: I prayed to God, then later I was led to a Christian church where I experienced the living God, and He introduced Himself to me as Jesus. And only when I accepted Him into my heart did I find joy and life. After years of depression. But that was a couple of months after I first prayed, in desperation to a God I didn’t believe was there, but was hoping He was.
But yes I am through that dark place your experiencing now, and things are amazing now!
so I want to encourage you not to give up, there is hope.
ps-I’ll pray for you (Hey I just remembered someone told me that as well back then! I told them they shouldn’t bother cause I didn’t believe in it, but I’m so glad they did anyway:)
Rudolf
April 16th, 2008 at 6:11 am
Hi AP.
My name is Fabrice. I live in France, that is why my American is bad. But I know well the feeling you have.Once I lost my love, my sister soul. The only thing that keeps me alive is the sun rising, a river, 2 friends. And the feelins, the deep feeling that my blood was important, that I have something to create, that all has a sense. It is hard to find, may be, but..; This is the period you become adult and you are afraid o lost childhood.
For me love is the only feeling that keeps you alive. As said before, do not give up !
Fabrice
April 16th, 2008 at 6:27 am
Dear A.P.,
The fact that you have started the process of asking for help is a great first step. One of the first things you learn on a journey is you know nothing. That helps allow you to have humility and be open to learning. I see you in a state of transition that will soon pass into a happier time coming.
The best thing you can do when you are confused and scared is to sit down and just meditate. Try to stop your thoughts and be still. If you have specific questions you can ask them whist you are meditating. At this time you are open to the Universal Will (GOD) and your own destiny. You might feel a deep and profound sense of gratitude or love for the world. The world awaits you and you are an important part of it. You have a purpose and a path. Find and follow it.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:32 am
Don’t sell your family short. You say they won’t understand. You may be surprised if you can trust in their unconditional love. God loves you. We love you. Your family does too.
April 16th, 2008 at 7:24 am
First off; never doubt yourself as a person. Simply because it is impossible. You are a person, you are who you are, and that changes over time. You will never again be the person you once were, no matter how much you want it and how hard you try. And that’s something you should embrace. It may not feel like it right now but it’s actually called growth.
Take me as an example; I’m a completely different person from who I was four years ago, two years ago, and in another two years I will be different again. Explanation: 4 years ago I ran and owned a succesful chain of fashion-stores. 2 years ago I was a freelancing photographer not getting any jobs. Now I’m running and owning a headhunters-office with over 20 man on the payroll, but in two years I will probably be on some island in southeast Asia writing music and playing my guitar…
What I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t let other people’s expectations dictate your behavior. Explain to your family why you’re making a certain choice and give them time to understand, and by all means; go travel and see the world.
Try and incorporate the good aspects of your former ‘you’ into who you are now, it’s not that difficult…
I’ve said it before over here and I’ll say it again: If the primary aim of a captain were to preserve his ship, he would never leave port.
Go!
April 16th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
ya know… I’ve been feeling totally like A.P. and what you guys are saying. wow. it appiles to me as well. So thank you.
Winston Churchil :”All will come right.”
April 16th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
just when you think everything is falling apart, take a step back, take a deep breath and look at things from a third perspective.
Not everyone is perfect in life…take a good look around, im sure there are many people worse of. Dont forget, its never too late to change things…
Tee
April 17th, 2008 at 9:37 am
wow. AP, ur prayer really made me realize that I don’t have to fret too much about something that is obviously happening to every human being. i sincerely understand y ur pre-judging what your family might think about whats goin’ on inside you. believe me, we’re in the same boat. but like franckor, i have to totally agree that you would probably be surprised with their response.
follow where your heart is leading you to go. do whatever it takes to find yourself. you’re not alone, i feel the same way. i may look alright and well on the outside, but im suffering internally because of the unfulfillment that i feel. oftentimes i wish i could freely hide away somewhere without thinking about the stresses of college, job, pressure from parents and peers.
don’t let that feeling of being lost overrule you. u can only do something about it. yes, there would be risks to take but speaking from my experience, the confusion won’t stop until you MAKE a way for it to stop.
when everything seems to be on the line and you know you’re not confident enough to make a stand, the only way that i know is turning to God and casting all my cares upon Him. he’d either break ‘em for you or show you the purpose why you feel what ur feeling.
i’ll be praying for you AP. thanks for sharing. <3
April 18th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Hey everyone…
Thanks so much for your help and advice… It means a lot. I wasn’t sure how writing to dear-god.net would help me, but all your comments proved it does something.
I think I will end up being strong enough to get through this…
I don’t know you guys, but I love you..
A.P.
April 19th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
Dearest AP,
I’m graduating from High School this June. But a couple months ago, I was scared to death just like you. I have always lived up to certain expectations, and an image, and it’s not that is wrong, but sometimes I felt trapped.
I felt pressured. And one of my biggest pressures was my weight. My mom’s always pressured me on that, it’s all because she loves me, I know it, I’m not fat! Just slightly overweight, so she’s always said why not losing that weight when I could look my best.
The thing is, food became my scape goat for all the pressure. I was bulimic for about 6 months, and it was awful, that wasn’t me! I’ve always been strong for others, I’ve been right and a person with the right values and an example, so I felt I had lived a lie my whole life.
I wasn’t. I hated myself for all those months, now, I’m almost fully recovered, and I love myself back again. I am all those things. I am strong. I came out of Bulimia by myself. Even though I’m proud of that, I’ve realized things would have been easier if I had reached out for help. I would have suffered less, and I would have recovered sooner. But I was so scared that my parents would not let me go away for college.
But I was wrong, they would have trusted me more. Now everything’s all right but now I know my mom worries about when I go away. If it happened here at home, right under her nose, how wouldn’t it happen somewhere far away?
Be strong. It takes a lot of courage, and pray. I walked away from God during this period, but I’m slowly walking towards him again.
Baby steps! Google about EFT (emotional freedom technique I think), it helps you love yourself back . If you need, approach a professional first. Remember your family and friends love you, and they won’t judge you.
And remember it will all pass. I’ll always be with you, and you’ll be in my prayers.
Infinite x’s & o’s…
April 20th, 2008 at 2:09 am
i can’t believe that AP’s experience is just exactly how i feel … i am a biochemist and soon will become a lawyer …and no one knows that i am desperate for a lil space to explore myself …
Thanx for sharing …
April 20th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Hello AP,
I don’t know what issues are haunting you, I feel, to you, they must be major. Can you find someone you can trust, non-judgemental so that you can open up and talk to? Sounds like you are depressed, I hope you can find someone who can help you. Seek and you find. please don’t give up.
Al the best,
April 20th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Hi AP,
I’m currently in my 3rd year of university (out of 5) and I know how you feel. I’ve been experiencing a slow mental breakdown for the past year or so, and I thought that my mother would never understand because I’ve always been the one who has had it together. But I told her and to my surprise she understood. I’ve dropped a few subjects at uni and will do them later, and I’ve started seeing a psychologist, and while things are still difficult, they are a whole lot better. I suspect you’re a perfectionist like me and so it’s hard for you to accept that we are not perfect - we fail and we crack and that’s just part of life. I’ve finally started to see that. As for taking a break, do whatever you feel like you need to do to keep you from going insane. Maybe they won’t understand at first, but ultimately you have to do what is right for you, and once they see that you are happy I’m sure that they will be happy too. You will only throw away the opportunities they have given you if you crack from the pressure and mental problems and give up - find some help and take a break if you feel that’s what you need.
Hope this helps and I’ll pray for you.
April 22nd, 2008 at 6:14 am
someone commented that they found a twin here…me too! my only advice, and it’s worth what you’re paying for it, is that your identity and everyone elses identities are constructions…we build them for the convenience of those around us. For us they can only ultimately be constricting. Let the old identity go a little, decide what to keep, what to add, and where to go from here. Your real self is beautiful, real and evolving.
not only was the advice cheap, it was short too!
April 28th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
I have been - and am - in pretty much the same predicament. I have a good job, a great family and wonderful friends but I’ve been so lost for the last 5 months, and it’s the first time in my live I’ve ever felt this way. I’ve always been so sure of myself and confident of my decisions, and now I just feel like I’m being dragged along by the current. I know I’m better than that but it’s just so hard to know which way to swim.
I came out of a long term relationship a year ago and was happy about it but it made me realise I really don’t know or understand who I am or who I want to be. It really is so comforting to know that there’s people out there who feel the same.
I’ve decided to move away for awhile, just take a risk and take a jump and see where I land. It might not be success but at least I can say I did it and it’s part of the plan to be someone I’m proud of. I’ve just started to tell the important people and their support has really overwhelmed me so far. You’d be so surprised at the reaction of those that love you when they see that you’re trying to make a change for the better.
My advice to you: eyes on the prize, figure out what you want and go for it - if it’s travelling, career change, whatever. Good luck with your decisions and thanks so much for your post x
November 20th, 2008 at 11:51 am
to find yourself you need to do what your priorities are. these are the most crucial times a person could have. college is one of the toughest and demanding point of a persons life. once you do what you have to do and concentrate on yourself and getting things done you will and i promise you that you will see everything in place. you do not want to think too much or doubt yourself. that is only allowing yourself to be weaker and i know just from hearing your prayer that you are not a weak person. so get yourself together no need to travel just finish school no matter what it takes and then travel and see whats out there. time ticks and so does people futures. if you do what your priorities are and just worry about yourself for just a little bit i promise you will make out ok and be that person that was good at everything and happy about everything.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I had this same feeling for years. Two degrees, modeling career, a GREAT Job…. but… yeah… but…I was empty. I considered myself an “escapist with no place to go”. Believe me it will pass. Just stop trying to hold on to what you were…. and be who you are now.
I know…
easier said than done.
But the point being is…. you are not the same person as you were 3 years or even 10 minuets ago. Why? Because you had experienced many things. Even this email.
Live in the moment and don’t worry about what tomorrow brings…. leave that to God. Because today has enough tasks of it’s own.
It will be okay…
I promise.