Dear God,
I am so tired. Tired of failing. Tired of trying. Tired of wanting to be different than I am. Why am I an addict? Why do I consistently seek to numb myself, to eradicate any pain, real or imagined? Why do I seem to demand a life that is free of pain? Help me to embrace life as it is, even when it hurts. Even when it’s scary as hell. Even when there’s a damn good chance that I will fail . . . again. People tell me that you love me just as I am. If that’s so, then why is it so damn hard for me to trust You? Why do I insist on living as if You don’t exist or at least matter? Help me God. I need rest. I need peace. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Derzu Sylizias, Seattle,USAShare:
April 30th, 2008 at 5:03 am
Pain is a natural part of living. The reason you feel pain is because there is something you need to do to ease it. Whether it is to learn a little more about life, be honest with people in your past that have caused you pain or be honest with yourself about the pain you have caused others, whatever. A belief in god will only serve to mask this pain, and cause you to become so detached from the world that you will find it very difficult to ever return to reality, or relate to anyone who is not also deluding themselves. What may also help is to try and imagine a life without any pain whatsoever. A world where you know you will wake up with nothing but joy no matter what happens. You have to think hard about this, but you may just come to the conclusion that this really wouldn’t be much of a life. Nothing to strive for, nothing to do because you are already content every day. Enjoy the pain, it’s there for a reason, invite it in and have some coffee with it and I’m sure you will be able to come to some kind of agreement.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Just know in your heart of hearts that human beings will come and go Dear One, but God will never leave you. He is always there for you. Bless your heart.
Mrs. Vicki
May 3rd, 2008 at 7:35 am
I could write a prayer and it would be exactly yours… I felt like you were talking thru me. God-or-whatever help us.
BE IN PIECE! that’s all I can wish you.
May 4th, 2008 at 5:50 am
Find a support centre to help you dry out and then get on with life.
May 5th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I felt the same thing as Marcos when I read your words, Derzu. Except for the bit about addiction, coulda been a page from my journal. Hang in there. Keep seeking God, even though it’s hard to trust and hard to keep Him in focus sometimes. He is the only one who can change you from the inside out, change who you are, not just your behavior. But you’ll only see it when you look back, so don’t lose heart in the meantime. I know it’s easier said than done, but I think it just helps to hear that we’re not alone in our struggles and encouragement is certainly always good.
May 10th, 2008 at 4:41 am
Derzu- First of all god does not exist, so asking for help is a moot point. People spend too much time requesting things from god, favors answers etc… they are all within your mind. If prayer worked we wouldn’t have war, hunger, or poverty, period.
Secondly- Everyone is addicted to something, booze, vicodin, coffee, fashion, god….. so try to take yourself away from the toxic environment you have created, move to Albuquerque, open a gallery and sell sculpture that combines elements of Lois Nevelson, Jeff Koons and even Rodin.
Seatle is too dreary for your personality type.
May 13th, 2008 at 3:08 am
Hi Derzu,
I sincerely feel sad for what you are going through. Never give up. Life is full of ups and downs. I believe this poem will be a blessing to you. I am not the writer but I always read it whenever I feel down. It is written by Sharon Hanse
DON’T QUIT
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but never quit.
Life is a queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things seem worse that you must not quit.
May the LORD bless you and be with you!!! Amen
May 18th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
do not trust god trust yourself
do not believe in god believe in yourself
and do not take a path becuase you think thats what god wants; expects or has told you.
god gave us brains and we haven’t yet been struck down for using them. think about what makes you happy and who you really want to be and just be it and do it nad enjoy.
my thoughts with you
July 4th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Hi there,
I can feel what you are going through. ALot of times in life, God wants good for us, but it’s hard for us to see the picture. It’s evident that we are made for God, and Him alone…Here’s a short story…hope you enjoy it…
There was a man who sailed his boat, alone to an island. He reached the island, but the next day a big storm came on the island, and his boat was wrecked. Now, he couldn’t row back, and he had no means to get help, as he was alone in the island. So, He prayed to God,”God, Please help me! I am going to die here if I don’t get help!” And the next day, a fire erupts on the island. The man then yells at God,”What’s wrong with You? I prayed for help, and you have given me a disaster!>Not only am I not getting any help, but there is now a fire going on! Now I’m really going to die!” Later on, a crew of rescuers came on a sailboat towards the island. They came to rescue him. He then asked them,”How did you guys know I need help? I couldn’t contact anyone or do anything.” And they said that they saw clouds of smoke coming from the island, so they figured there might be something or someone they should save, so they came.
The point of the story is that the fire seemed like a harmful thing to the guy, which was help from God to bring people to the island. Because God is so big and great, we never know what really is going on. “Bad things” may happen, but most of the time, they are “bad things” for us but by good intentions from God, for our good.
In Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
That means He allows every single thing in life for our good, even when we might not understand how it can be something for our good….:)
Soli deo gloria!
Sabrina
July 25th, 2008 at 6:28 am
Derzu,
knowing a problem you are facing with, represents half the way to resolving it !
Good luck, dont give up !
March 1st, 2009 at 8:58 pm
I hope you look at this again some day…… 5 years ago I asked God to either help me or Kill me. I’ve been clean for 5yrs come 4/ 10/ 04. God does exist…. don’t you remeber?
April 17th, 2009 at 4:07 am
I am in the same trap. What you said describes my life exactly. Dont give up,rest assured that there is a very easy and simple way out of the trap that your are in. You cant concieve of it right now but when it happens you will be amazed at how easy and naturally the changes came. The most important thing is believe in a power greater than yourself. Expect a miracle