Dear God,
I grew up in your church that told me that sex before marriage was wrong and could lead to destruction in relationships later in life… I abstained. Now I’m married to my beautiful wife that grew up under the same pressures to abstain. We don’t have sex because there are so many barriers and fences put up in her that sex is bad, sinful, guilt-riden, and carries all these negatives. (Now, she doesn’t say these things, but its what I surmise & feel from her) While dating, we grew strong spiritually and emotionally, but the sex/physical intimacy was avoided. Now we are like on a 3-legged stool with only 2 legs! Falling. Honestly it sucks with the sex drive that you handed me! I waited my whole life for this? And when we do make love, it has to be in the bedroom, on the bed, missionary pos. no exceptions… ever. God, is this what you intended for this beautiful experience? Sometimes, shamefully, I wish I’d taken advantage of all the opportunities I had in HS or College. Hear my cry Oh Lord! Why is it so bad to talk about this important intimate part of a marriage relationship? Yes, I’m a Christian and my sex life sucks!
Michael, Wyoming/USA
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April 11th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
Church often teaches: sex is a dirty disgusting thing no one should ever talk about — save it for the one you love. The Bible doesn’t quite see it that way. Yes it teaches to abstain until marriage, but it doesn’t leave it at that. She’s your wife. You’re married. Go crazy. [Check the web link.]
April 11th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Sex is sex - when you do it make sure its hot.
April 11th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Now thats a nice arse, I hope God approves
April 11th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
I agree with my Dad
April 12th, 2008 at 12:41 am
http://www.themarriagebed.com
An excellent site for married Christians to discuss sex-related things…from praises to problems to “how to’s” to theology. It’s a great place to begin to seek sexual freedom with your marriage.
April 12th, 2008 at 12:52 am
The first comment is right - if you’re married you can do anything you want!
April 14th, 2008 at 5:49 pm
SEX IS GREAT!!!!!!!!! in the context of marriage. God created sex for us to enjoy….you don’t think sex is a man-made pleasure, do you. sex within a marriage is so much better because it’s guilt-free. maybe your wife just doesn’t enjoy some of the things you want her to do…maybe she has issues with how her body looks…have you ever asked her? talk about it and find out what’s really bothering her….find a church with a pastor who is married and preaches a healthy sex life, as mine does. love your wife and respect the fact that she waited, as I respect your waiting. May God Bless your union, created on such a basis.
April 14th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
“We don’t have sex because there are so many barriers and fences put up in her that sex is bad, sinful, guilt-riden, and carries all these negatives.”
Since you are a christian couple, i guess that your wife must has been given the wrong understanding about sex(after marriage) in christianity.
Genesis 1:28 “God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”
how can you and your wife be fruitful and increase in number if both of you don’t have sex? SO GO HAVE SEX NOW!
April 15th, 2008 at 12:56 am
I think you should sit your wife down and talk to her! its great that you two had the willpower to abstain! but after marriage sex is umm …legit!!!
The Bible does not speak against sex after marriage! it in fact encourages it! Sex is a gift from God and it is meant to be experienced after marriage .
Sadly, super conservative-fanatic Christians preach against sex, all i can say is that they are blind.!
April 15th, 2008 at 1:15 am
El sexo seas Cristiano, Judio, Catolico, es algo que dios nos dio con el fin de procrear. Pero no nos podemos olvidar que tambien entre las parejas, es algo que sirve para unirnos, para complentarnos. El sexo se trata de placer, y el amor de entrega; cunado el sexo es por amor deberia de incluir todo lo que una persona esta dispuesta a hacer por su pareja. En resumen, ella deberia de intentar ser más complaciente con su pareja, siempre y cuando el sexo que el quiera no la degrade como mujer.
The sex you are Christian, Jewish, Catholic, is something that God gave us in order to procreate. But we must not forget also that between couples, is something that serves to unite, to complentarnos. The sex is pleasure, and the love of delivery; when keeping sex is for love should include everything that a person is willing to do for your partner. In short, she should try to be more complacent with your partner, as long as the sex that wants not degrade as a woman.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:57 am
Stop blogging. Start talking about it. With your wife. If you cant be open about sex, you cant be open about anything else intimate.
April 15th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Sex when you’re married can be translated by try as many you can to bring new life to this earth. So if you are that strong of a christian, start making babies.
But you know… do tell everything to everybody? Nobody in your church will know and i’m sure your God will be happy to see love in your home.
Love is blind. So start having sex because God’s not watching, for his sake!
Enjoy life while you can.
April 15th, 2008 at 2:49 am
We as Christians get stuck in what we are told is the interpretation of the bible by well meaning pastors and leaders. You need to find a good counselor - be careful in your choice and you will likely want a woman (there will be give and take on both sides). I was raised to think women didn’t like sex (oddly enough that wasn’t ever from my parents, but the church), but it was almost a favor to the man. It took me years to overcome the programming I received. I also felt like sex was some spiritual thing that just could not live up to the image in my head and heart. Both of these things caused me extensive pain and grief, but now I am free (more or less). I have met women who have the sex drive of men and men who have no drive whatsoever. You and your wife obviously take your Christianity seriously, but if sex is an issue for one of you then it is an issue for both of you or resentment will build over time (you will have a tendency to feel trapped and hopeless as you only get one shot in life) and damage your true intimacy which is communication and sharing of your lives together. I contemplated leaving my wife (and our kids) at one time even though I love her more than life itself. This is a drive you cannot deny successfully over time or you will suffer from it forever. We are meant to live life to its fullest and that means all things not just denial of self because you feel it is the right thing to do. The most expensive thing in life is regret…
April 15th, 2008 at 3:04 am
My guess is that your wife has issues she hasn’t talked with you about yet. If you tell her lovingly and honestly that there’s a problem developing between you because of this, maybe she’ll be willing to get couseling. You’d be amazed to hear how many people like your wife have “done it right” but are still hung up about sex because of a bad experience on a date, a negative attitude about sex from one of her parents, a friend who went through an abortion, abuse… the list goes on and on.
Likely, she won’t think any of these kinds of things would cause a problem. In fact, she may not even see her sexual response as a problem. So she may be ready to talk with a counselor, or you may need to try again later. Do you love her enough to hang in there over a lifetime commitment? If you do, I predict a depth of love will grow you can’t even begin to imagine right now. Blessings in your love!
April 15th, 2008 at 3:51 am
Not a believer at all, but I did spend way too much time in church and religious schooling to miss the meaning in Song of Solomon. Make good use of those wacky beliefs–open up your book to the fun parts!
April 15th, 2008 at 4:04 am
Oh, all you Christians are encouraging him NOW to have as much sex as possible — that’s rich! Maybe they have completely different sex drives, and styles. And they don’t fit well as sexual partners. It happens all the time, people. Get real.
What about Catholics who preach that sexual acts should only be in service to procreation (that is, no oral sex, or other pleasures)? All of it is LIES, written to keep us in line and help create as many new little Christian slaves as possible.
April 15th, 2008 at 6:11 am
Whoever taught that sex is bad, is sinful gave the wrongteaching - big time! Sex is fantastic inmarriage. God wants you to have loads of sex and enjoy it in your marriage. HE wants you to please each other and not deny each other. Hope your sex life goes wild soon!
God bless you both and your union!
April 15th, 2008 at 7:23 am
I truly pity believers.
April 15th, 2008 at 7:28 am
If you would have had it before marriage, would it have changed something? Nope. Maybe you wouldn’t have got married. I 100% agree to Titus.
April 15th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Im not sure how i actually got to this cite… im not religious one bit, never was. I hope that doesn’t change how you will feel about what i say but advice is advice and the great thing about it is you dont have to take it… So:
I went to a public school that brutalized sex, it was bad and by the end of our 8th grade sex Ed class all of us were completely horrified by the act. They showed us these huge photographs 5′x5′ of peoples crotches covered in every sexual disease out there including elephantiasis. The woman who taught it was tall and angry. A real “sweat heart”. So it took me tell i was 23 to actually give in to any guy.
All i can suggest is do what he did. Forget your sex drive for now, just let it go maybe even masturbate before hand so you don’t get frustrated because your going to have to cuddle with her, a lot. Have her sit on you lap or just snuggle with her under your arm and read to her from a book. Have the situation be as though your not interested in making love to her but just being close. When she is occupied with something try being the annoying little kid type who pokes her on the tip of the nose occasionally or anything, just get her use to being touched… what your really doing is making that huge bubble of “MY SPACE” that she has built up around her to shrink. She has to understand that you are something that is allowed to cross that barrier and is also a protector of that barrier. This could take a long time, and its going to get more frustrating for you and your libido because, your going to have to stop sex completely and wait for her to come to you. Hopefully it wont be so difficult, after all bad sex is easy to give up.
dont worry! you have a few things going for you, pheromones and love and all that jazz. She just does not understand or perhaps feel comfortable with you going from distant to missionary in the time it takes to say “I do”.
good luck
April 15th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
There are some strange people out there.
George said
Sadly, super conservative-fanatic Christians preach against sex, all i can say is that they are blind.!
Marcus says
I am one of them fanatics, and have a great healthy happy sex life free of self gratification and Pornography, those two issues will kill a good loveing relationship as well as kill the sex.
Biblicaly, as stated, in relation to sex between a married couple, there is only one rule, respect.
Go find a good Christian bookstore and find a Christian book dealing with Marital sex.
Well said Jack, I agree with your statements as well
April 16th, 2008 at 12:30 am
God created sex just like He created us. It is as much spiritual as it is emotional and physical.
Try reading “Sex God” by Rob Bell: http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Exploring-Connections-Spirituality/dp/0310263468/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208266079&sr=8-1 . I think it would help any couple put things in perspective.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:52 am
This is FAKE, made my some non Christian to mock Christians.
I have been to many churches and have seen many sects of Christianity and I’ve yet to see this mythical type that teaches sex isn’t to be pleasureful and is to only be in missionary. If one is married it’s to be enjoyed , there are even verses that allude to this.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:07 am
I am a Christian and i have read all the comments on this posting and i am very familiar with most modern teachings of sex in the church. Churches for years have taught about the wickedness of sex and how it is a sin.. but with all this condemnation of something God created the church (all religions) never talk about sex after marriage. There are many couples that suffer from these embedded roots of sexual teachings in church. Many have used scare tactics to keep people from having sex. However the Song of Solomon is all about love and sex if you read it but its the least discussed book of the Bible. Many because most pastors are not comfortable about discussing sex and then some just do not know how to address the subject. The bible also says that if you abstain from sex too long (as a married couple) it will give an opening for temptation (looking else ware for satisfaction)… It also says that there is no sin in the bedroom of married people so this mean everything is open to you (except depraved forms of sex). Many married couples have no idea that this is what is said in the bible.
Unfortunately it seems like what has been taught to this man’s wife has scared her to believe that if she has sex without the intent to bare children then its a sin and or any thing besides the missionary pos is an abomination. When you enter into marriage you are not just two bodies but one body she becomes owner of your body and he becomes owner of hers. Dont get it twisted in a sense of I OWN you that is not what i mean. It means simply that you should give your body freely to your mate as they will only treat it respect and gently as they would like their own body to be treated.
We even think it is not appropriate to discuss sex or sexual issues outside of the home, but there is no mention no law no commandment that we should not seek advice from others or discuss the matter. I have only heard of a few churches that teach adults about sex and the Bible. Even the History Channel has had discussions on Sex in the Bible while church leaders are afraid to teach the subject. A pastor in FL recently had a 30 day Sex Challenge for married couples in his congregation and across the city. He asked them to have sex as often as they can a day for 30 days, 1000’s of people joined in on the challenge and billboards were put up.
I suggest talking with my spouse to open up the discussion about sex find out what you both have been taught about sex and what you both consider to be pure. There are many sexual positions available to you she may not know of them or may be apprehensive to trying them. Some women also think that you are only acting out things that you have seen on the internet or TV and may equate that to you wanting them to become like those images. An open discussion on sex will lead you both to have a healthy sex life. God’s blessings on you both and I hope the barriers are broken from your marriage.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:22 am
Talk to your wife about it - tell her it’s ok now because yall are married. Also, I would suggest seeing a psychologist because they can do ALOT to help you guys through something like this. There is something that is prevent you guys from experiencing a good sex life which you guys have the FULL potential of having. DON’T let this break up your marriage, it CAN be fixed. If you are not, start working out. Having a lower body fat and more muscle will help increase testosterone and thus libido.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:39 am
I can really relate to your story. My husband and I also both waited until marriage, although we weren’t completely chaste while we were dating. And I don’t regret it a bit. But when we finally DID get to have sex… I can honestly say, I was disappointed. It hurt every single time we had sex, and I didn’t enjoy it at all, not even a little bit, and eventually my husband just gave up and stopped trying. Which was both a relief to me (because I’m not into pain) but it was also kind of sad. I, for one, have a strong sex drive, and for the last two years I’ve just kind of… ignored it. We’ve been married for two years. Saturday was the first time we’ve had sex that I actually enjoyed myself, but it still hurt initially. The only thing I can figure out is that I subconsciously tighten muscles during sex. It almost feels like an invasion to me–like maybe it was off limits for so long, that it still is off limits in my mind. Part of me wishes that I hadn’t been so rigid in my beliefs, because I would be able to enjoy myself much more if I hadn’t been. But at the same time, I’m glad that we have more to our relationship than sex. And I can see us gradually coming together now. Maybe I’m FINALLY over my issues.
April 16th, 2008 at 5:03 am
You can’t tell someone that something is wrong their whole life and they will be punished for it and expect them to do it.
I doubt your relationship will overcome this conflict. It will take a long time for her to change, if she ever does. Either way, you have to accept her for who she is. If she doesn’t want to change–and she may not–there really isn’t anything you can say about it. People are who they are.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:52 am
First of all you both need to see a therapist ASAP. Sounds to me like there is a lot of interpreting going on. You seem to think you know in advance what she is thinking and you are probably wrong.
However:
One of the best things you can do for you relationship is to set up dates and go out on them. Perhaps once a week? Do something romantic like go out to dinner and hold her hand during part of the dinner and tell her how truly beautiful she is. Let her know she is the only woman for you, and you hold her above all others. On the way to the car open her door and kiss her deeply. Tell her you love her. Kiss her neck and tell her you want to make love to her. Sometimes it helps if you are out of your normal location.
Take this opportunity to gauge her reaction. Enjoy each other’s company. You are in love with her, so sex is not dirty. You love her.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:30 am
God didn’t say sex before marriage was bad - your religious institution did.
April 16th, 2008 at 10:09 am
The other thing is (if not already mentioned) is you need to work up on physical intimacy. Everyone assumes that (and some ARE as extreme as this) that you can’t kiss till marriage but you have to have sex on your wedding night.
WHAT?!?!?!
From a girl’s point of view, that’d be rape. Work slowly, build it up, romance her, teach her it’s not wrong. It won’t be immediate, but it will b effectual.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:16 am
If I learnt anything from Talladaga nights it was that Americans invented the missionary position and Jesus deff wasn’t an American, so imagin all the crazy junk all those guys got up to before some crazy American said only the missionary position is ok… Go wild, have fun! God’s not going to not let you into heaven because you had kinky sex with your wife and if he doesn’t let you in then his a bum head and why would you want to be stuck with him for eternity anyway?
April 20th, 2008 at 10:42 am
I’ve been married for 4 years and during our first few years, i went through the exact same thing! My wife came from a very uptight background. Man it was tough. BUT…
All I can say is, rather than focusing on the sex itself, you have to teach her enjoy pleasure again. That’s all. Play around. Make it light hearted. A little bit at a time. Teach her. Show her. Free her. This is your priviledge as a husband. Show her bit by bit how fun and how hot, and how pleasureable fooling around is again. TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF her, and help her to just have FUN again.
I guarantee you that if you can change the way you see this ‘problem’, you will have the wife of your dreams again.
Today, I got her back, and it’s hot.
April 21st, 2008 at 4:28 am
Hi Michael,
who told you that your sex life would be great with your wife?
My advice to you should you want it? You really have three options.
1. Give up the idea you will ever have a satisfying sex life. This is what most married men do so you will be in good company. Once you accept that you will stop feeling so bad about it.
2. If you want sex and do not want to be unfaithful….divorce your wife and just have a string of women one after the other who are eager to ’snare’ you. Wait until they stop giving you what you need ‘unless I get a ring’ and then leave them and get the next one. Plenty of guys do this too. They are the eternal bachelors.
3. If you are willing to commit adultery, and many men are. Move to a country where you can get ‘paid for’ services. There are a lot of them now. The volume of ‘paid for’ services in all parts of the world gives you a pretty clear idea of what the sex life of married men is like.
I would not advise you to do what I did, which was stay faithful for 20+ years and beg my wife to please give me the sex life I needed. She didn’t. I have spoken to a lot of men about this over the years. Almost no married man I have spoken to who has been married over 20 years says he has the sex life he wants if he is being honest about it. The percentage starts dropping after the honeymoon….it falls dramatically after the babies arrive……after 10 years, forget it, you may get some sex but it is rarely satisfying….Why do you think so many older married guys are drinking themselves to death one day at a time? It’s to kill their sex drive so they can sleep.
And that you abstained makes no difference. My then girlfriend knew all the right moves….for three years there was nothing she would say ‘no’ to…..this is called ‘the demo model’. Once I was really committed, she stopped almost cold. So cold, even on our wedding night, when we were at the hotel before 11pm and stone cold sober she refused to make love with me and consumate the marriage despite I begged her to. I spent my wedding night drinking the champagne left for us in the honeymoon suite and sitting on the end of the bed and crying that my bride had rejected me on our wedding night….it really hurt..and it went downhill from there.
And I will come in for a lot of criticism from the women here……but the simple fact is that they want men to keep ‘hoping and dreaming it will get better one day’ …I did for 20+ years….nope…it never got any better….it never will…and it is not because they do not know what to do…..they do, they just won’t…….during the process of breaking up my wife ran the ‘demo model’ like it was going out of fashion…..she did things we had not done in 20 years….she desperately wanted to keep the money coming…..but the sex was linked to demands for money….I found out all she ever really wanted was ‘babies and money’ and I was completely unloved and unwanted. She even renounced her religion and refused counselling in the church as soon as our second baby was baptised. Once she had the two babies I was ‘on the hook’…she figured I would not leave my children….she was right.
And, for those women who would flame me. I would say this. It is very, very easy to satisfy a mans need for sex and desire for lovemaking. Every healthy adult woman has everything she needs to satisfy a man greatly. We would have a far better world if only women would give men the sex and lovemaking they need. Far fewer men feeling so aggressive and hostile and taking it out of those around them or killing themselves with alcohol, drugs etc.
I would say to women, rather than criticise us men for simply being how God made us, how about you learn about us and what we need and then just give us what we need because you love us and want us to be happy and feel loved and cared for?
That would work.
In my very broad experience, women who do such are extremely rare indeed. Most go for the “you don’t need it that much” approach along with the lies of “it will get better one day, I am really trying hard, I just don’t know what to do”. They know what to do. It’s easy. They are not trying. They just won’t.
John.
April 21st, 2008 at 8:52 am
(Good for Lily.!!!!!)
Dude- you earned it. You deserve it.
See a sex therapist, get some wine, a bottle of lube and do like God intended us!
April 21st, 2008 at 5:37 pm
To TheTruth:
Your anger and fear around non christians came over loud and clear.
I have first hand knowledge of how sex can be seen as dirty and only acceptable under very specific conditions as this is what I ended up believing after growing up Catholic. I felt that sex was shameful and something that couldn’t be discussed.
This is an issue for many people who were raised with a strong religious background.
This may not have happened to you, but who are you to discount that this happens???
I’ve found that some people who sit at the front of the chuch and claim to be the most religious can be the most judgemental and farthest away from God
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:29 am
Sex can be wonderful within marriage (even if you didn’t test-drive before hand).
Read Song of Solomon. That is how it should be. It takes practice. You both need to be open and honest with one another. There is a book called “The act of marriage”. Its fantastic. Take the step. Buy it, read it and then give it to your wife to read. My husband bought it just before we got married. It gave us a great head start.
God created us to be sexual beings.
April 23rd, 2008 at 2:57 pm
“And when we do make love, it has to be in the bedroom, on the bed, missionary pos. no exceptions… ever.”
So is the problem that you actually DON’T have sex, or just not the way YOU want to??
Maybe you just need to adjust you’re expectations. And if you’re into porn at all, make sure you get rid of that - that is not real sex. Your wife is a person not a performer. Like others have said, you need to communicate, lovingly, openly and respectfully.
My husband and I were virgins on our wedding night (just over a year ago). And I too felt it was a bit unfair of God that sex at first was so disappointing, I couldn’t feel anything let alone climax. But things change! God heard my prayers, and through communication and prayer with my loving husband, things got a lot better.
And don’t knock the missionary position!! Eventually I was able to have the most exquisite orgasms I could imagine, but ONLY ever in the missionary position!
Like I said, take a close look at your expectations, and humble yourself to “lay down your life” for your beautiful wife (Eph 5). Take time to listen to her, and PRAY together.
April 24th, 2008 at 6:35 am
i really can belive what many people say!!
Sex is something to enjoy!! just imagine oder cultures where the wife don´t have a clit that´s tragic. missionary position o doggy style or where ever those women can enjoy sex and hava an orgams. Stop talking and enjoy something that with the time disapear.
April 26th, 2008 at 2:53 am
John,
You hit the nail on the head…unfortunately. My good fortune is a different experience. My wife and I still have good sex on average 3 times per week after 7 years of marriage and 3 kids (we both work too). I would like 6 or 7 a week and sometimes it feels like its something on a checklist of things to get done, but I’m not complaining. I do however think my experience is more unique than most and we have had our ups and downs through the years. The second unfortunate thing is the biology and chemistry that happens in marriage to both men and women. Hormones levels drop after marriage and the sex drive of both partners drop, but it is never even. I also know women who complain of their husband’s lack of interest in sex and it has nothing to do with attractiveness.
Women need to understand one simple thing if you keep a man happy in bed life is good. There are always exceptions, but generally this is true. I know I am not representing the female side of this, but that is how men work. Pay attention to him sexually and he will be a better partner and more willing to be your friend. It’s quid pro quo…as long as it isn’t held out there like either side is owed something or it won’t work…
April 26th, 2008 at 2:58 am
Deb,
I respect people that stand up for what the believe and I think you probably do.
That said, everyone loves lowered expectations, because we all strive for mediocrity and not having our dreams come true. I feel sorry for you as I expect there are some parts of your life that suck and I’m not talking about sex. You just don’t know it yet.
Dream and make sure all of your desires in life come true…don’t settle for anything less.
April 26th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
TELL HER TO GET OVER IT.
and have sex .
May 4th, 2008 at 6:09 am
Dude people have hang ups about sex whether or not they have had it before they are married or not. You and your wife need to go and see a profesional, there are people who can help.
Posting your porblems on this site isn’t going to magically help but I must admit so far it has been a laugh a minute for me.
May 7th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
You have to understand that your notions have sex have been seriously impaired by those of doctrines. Sex isn’t bad. Sex is good, very very good, in every sense of the word.
But one thing does disturb, I have to tell you honestly, I don’t believe in the whole Christianity schtick but I know the doctrines and if you are acting this way, crying out to your lost opportunities during your younger years, it seems like you are only after sex as a carnal pleasure and not a spiritual relationship.
Learn that sex is something special being shared by two people.
May 9th, 2008 at 9:49 am
See, your problem is, is that she’s not very submissive like the Word teaches. So here’s what you do. Take her over your knees, pull her panties down, and give her a good lickin’. Then go to your local Adult video outlet, buy several Gonzo videos, along with Marital Aids. They have things to help you, that’s why they’re called Marital Aids, see. Bend her over and go for it.
Lily: Maybe your husband in using the wrong hole. It’s the one in the front, although, with lot’s of lube, the one in back is damn fine!
May 10th, 2008 at 4:15 pm
Church is the LAST place i would ever go for ANY advice on having a decent sex life.
May 26th, 2008 at 4:11 am
hey man, sex is good.
however do it safe
and you have to make sure that it is a right moment and a right choice
Have Fun !!!!!
May 26th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Guys, let me know if God do exist. Although I’m a Christian, but I’m pragmatic, so i need evidence and stuff. Right in my face.
Whether God exist or not transcend our comprehension of how things work.
June 1st, 2008 at 1:12 pm
Dude .. everyone test drives cars before they buy them…
June 17th, 2008 at 5:52 am
just play her Bobby Byrd’s “Hot Pants (I’m Coming, I’m Coming)”. Or sing it to her yourself.
August 14th, 2008 at 2:49 am
First…A more than two thousand year old appraisal of sex has no place in the twenty-first century understanding of human sexuality. Leave the Bible out of it and stop assuming you know what your wife is thinking and feeling.
If you both have been raised with the oppressive nature of sex in the Bible then you have to begin talking about it slowly and carefully. There may be a physical issue with your wife that she’s embarrassed to discuss…pain, endometriosis, dryness, etc. There may have been a traumatic event…or it may be much simpler than that. Through no fault of either of you, the sex might just be bad and neither of you want to talk about it because you’ve been programmed that sex, itself, is inherently bad. The religious community in particular is under the laughable notion that if you save yourself, and you enter a committed relationship, and you are committed to your faith that fulfilling sex should just magically happen. I’ve heard Christian councilors say essentially that…if you’re living your life through Christ then your physical relationship should take care of itself and be wonderful. I fail to see how that can possibly be practical advice. What it really means is that they are committed to not dealing with sex in any tangible way and the de-facto advice is to look to the Bible.
Since you do value the Bible, the fact that you’re married and committed is the only relevance it should have. You’ve fulfilled the number one edict regarding sex and the Bible so let go and at least examine what you can do to help your situation from a secular point of view. That doesn’t mean to abandon your values…it simply means embrace the fact that sex is a down to earth, physical endeavor and the only way to get better at something is to be objective and seek out the kind of information that will help, both physically and psychologically. Whether that means speaking to a sex therapist or seeking out reference material. Not all ‘adult’ material is sleazy and degrading. There are lots of tastefully produced books and other media that take a sensitive, but informative and practical approach to romance and sex. That may be too advanced for you at this point, but the idea is to expand your definition of what can be helpful and be open to looking outside your Biblically stifled view of sex. Best of luck.
August 14th, 2008 at 3:08 am
deb-With all due respect to your religion, God didn’t magically fix your sex life. You and your husband took the time and effort to work through it to make it better. Don’t short change your accomplishment. Your faith certainly helped you to persevere but the actual achievement took place in the physical world with what sounds like a great deal of love and communication.
And there’s nothing wrong with the missionary position, per se. However, it does place 99% of the physical strain on the man. There is no shame in craving some variety but the example the original poster used was to illustrate one way in which their sex life is stifled.
September 11th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I spent 35 years slowly coming to terms with my christianity.. originally fairly fundamental, i’m a long way from that position now.. sex with my wife has similarly been affected by beliefs (and other factors).. but now as an older guy (51), who has gotten used to many years of frustration.. i realise that it’s not so much sex that i want, but intimacy.. truly deep intimacy.. sure, we all want to “get off”, but in the end it’s just sex, without the intimacy it has no real depth.. i’ve tried to explain this to my wife, but she and i are different.. when she wants it, she basically just wants sex.. i had sex with others before marriage.. i felt bad, yes.. but my experience helped me to eventually understand what’s missing in our sex life.. some people need intimacy.. some don’t… those that do should not be with those that don’t.. and how do you work that out based on abstinance?
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:06 am
why is there a butt showing?
November 21st, 2008 at 7:55 am
Well, you gotta think about it, you go your whole life say 22 years of no sex. Your mind is going to turn the receptors off, and you will have to find a way to turn them back on. In biblical times people were married at very young ages, therefor still having much of a sex drive and not much time of abstinence. …. your day will come my man , your day will come.
January 8th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Sex among humans is more than just sex. It involves setting-up the venue, atmosphere, romance, intimacy, communication, and foreplay. For those into the Bible, it tells husbands and wives not to withhold sex from one another. In life outside of the Bible you need to communicate your expectations to your partner, preferably before marrage. Otherwise, things need to get cleared-up and adjustments made. Otherwise, you have the makings for a divorce, which the Bible hates and in real life causes havoc among relationships, kids, and family.
January 8th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Never have sex. Always make Love. Read “Theology of the Body” or its interpretation by Mark West. Jason Everett & his wife might also be a resource for you. I don’t know where you got the photo or if that is something the web site provides but kill the porn… it doesn’t show enough to love the person.
January 10th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Dont confuse spirituality and god with the doctrine of religion….religion is man made…the belief and hope and love for god comes from your heart..
If god created us..surely he knows its in our nature to have sex in however form or mind…
seriously don’t worry about it NO harm will come to you..
BTW…that photo is beautiful very artistic….
February 17th, 2009 at 6:59 am
I am disappointed in most of the comments you received. Obviously you loved one another before you got married. (You waited to have sex) You need to go back to a time before you got married and discuss with her about her expectations, her fears, her wants, her desires. As the man you are to satisfy her, and she you. Talk to her. Also take her to the doctor and see if she has phsical pain. Are you big, do you hurt her? Talk, talk, talk. Their is nothing that cant be resolved if you are truly christian. After you both have talked, pray together, pray together, pray together. She must have some reservations, you have to get her to talk to you like you did before you got married. We will all pray for you both. Do not divorce this woman unless she is unfaithful, read your bible, death and unfaithfulness is the only reason for a man and woman to be seperated after marriage.
February 19th, 2009 at 1:37 am
I have to say Christians hide the lies they’re telling very well. They try to say ’sex is great’ but honestly, it hurts for most girls the first few times. And if you’re a virgin when you’re married, how does having to give yourself right there after not kissing, no oral or mutual stimulation, it would feel to me like I’m being raped. A christian guy probably doesn’t know that woman can actually orgasm and if they do have no idea how to help her orgasm or wants to help her.
Christians have taught girls not to have sex because they will get hurt and feel used. This is because the church has taught everyone that sex is pretty much a gift to man and woman must give it to him on their wedding night to make the marriage ‘official’.
I personally will probably not marry a virgin. Nor will I marry the guy unless I’ve had sex with him. How am I supposed to know he’s not a selfish jerk that will just hump me till he orgasms ask me if he was great and then fall asleep drooling on me? The guy I’m in a relationship with is NOT a christian, has made me orgasm 10X more than I’ve made him (therefore no selfish or greediness), loves cuddling, loves all the romance more than I do and doesn’t do it ’cause he has to’ and luckily I have not been brainwashed by my parents and ‘mentors’ of my Baptist church. Whats so wrong with it when you’re in love? Between two consensual loving adults, I think sex is fine. Only if the girl is OK with the emotional consequences she might recieve.
I have never felt guilty. And I would feel terrible if I ended up wanting to marry a guy who wouldn’t marry me because of my ’sexual past’. I will never regret any of it. I will never feel used. He’s never asked me to give him any ’services’. All we’ve ever cared about is pleasing one another. Whats so wrong with that? I’m so scared of having to find that perfect Christiian college guy that understands my sexuality and past. I have an amazing sex drive, I’m not ashamed of it, and the physical intamacy of a relationship is extremely important. I’m seriously thinking I must be a guy lol
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:01 am
Seriously, my experience is that when people fall deeply in love and really want to do it…they do. Marriage or no marriage. Sex is good for you and if you’re in love you instinctually know that.
And when people don’t…there’s something else going on than just religious belief. Y’all need to examine your inner lives. If you let some religion hamper your natural desires you’ve got some issues. Some of the deepest, most spiritual folks I know, one guy in fact who is presently in seminary, did not let some rule tell them to not have sex before they were married. This sort of rule is small potatoes in the face of real passion. And if there’s no passion….it’s gonna be….well it’s not gonna work very well. All the religious BS in the world can’t give you a hard on. And all the religious BS in the world has no reality in the face of one real feeling.
March 30th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Indeed. You are married, you need to talk with your wife. that she is yours and you are hers. And that whatever you two do in your own privacy is between you.
Just do it.
talk with her ASAP.
March 30th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
What struck me about your prayer was the implication that you don’t seem to talk to your wife about these things. In that case, you aren’t really having a sex problem, you are having a communication problem. Try talking to your wife about these things. Start out slowly, have a few conversations with her about it. Tell her that you would like to enjoy her more, that you feel as though your attitude towards sex is restrictive and unhealthy, and that you would like to work through it together. Don’t blame anything on her. I sincerely hope that your wife is willing to talk to you about it.
April 27th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I know what you’re going through Michael. Here’s what’s up, or down rather, you! Ever notice how much your wife mirrors your actions so well and says words that could be considered “flirtatious?” If not, you’ve got some bad karma going on with her. Try taking out the trash, doing the dishes, making ‘the bed.’ You can’t get what you don’t give, Michael. So quit killing the sex-life and learn to love what God gave you two: _genitals_
-God/Dave